I find myself holding grudges and feeling a lot more negative emotions than positive..to put it short, I'm filled it with hate and use that as a big decision maker in a fair amount of situations in things from the teams I root for to the friends I cut out of my life/ignore [I do a lot of black and white thinking, typical of BPDs].. I'm not sure how to explain what I mean to say here, but I'll just give a few examples I found using sports:
1) I was rooting for the Spurs to win the NBA championship - but not because I like them, but because I HATE the Miami Heat so much for the spectacle they put on with all that Big 3 crap. Also, I absolutley cannot stand the most overrated undeserving player in the league, Chris Bosh. The whole reason I wanted the Spurs to win is that I wanted to see that Big 3 crumble and cry for my own amusement, and I was through the roof ecstatic when they lost.. I think I would have called it a successfull playoffs and stopped watching basketball entirely for the rest of the post season if the Heat had have been eliminated in the first round - I just wanted to watch them fail, and I did, and I realized that I was about 100x happier watching them lose than I was watching the Spurs win.
2) A 2nd example of this way of thinking for me is the World Cup.. It's being held in Brazil, and it's no secret that Soccer [football] is a religion to them over there. But I cannot stand how irritating brazilian soccer fans are, and it's kind of funny to me how devistating it would be to their entire country if they lose on their home soil - I will never understand this way of thinking because I don't care for anything enough to be that passionate about it. Point being, I want to watch Brazil lose. I don't have a rooting interest in the world cup outside of wanting to watch the Brazilian team lose in front of their home crowd and see all the disappointed, heartbroken fans crying because their team lost - once again, something I will never understand, but I will definitely take great joy when Brazil gets eliminated, just because they are so passionate about it and I want to watch the hopes and dreams, moreso of the fans than the players, get smashed. I do not feel this way about any other team in the world cup this year, and I don't think I will feel the same when it's held in Russia in 2018 - I probably won't even care who wins.
I have no idea why I am filled with so much hate, but I hope I am not the only person in the world who approaches [certain] things from this direction. Sadly I cannot think of any examples from life outside of sports examples at the moment, but those 2 examples are a pretty good description of how I feel in some situations, not all, but certainly a lot more than the average person. I have much more passionate hate than passionate love.
And about holding grudges - I hold them for years, they are everlasting until I "even the score" in a similar way that I was hurt .. I carry these feelings with me everywhere I go. It's.. crippling, to a point. I can never let things go and feel so much more comfortable filled with negative emotions than I ever do when I'm happy - I just don't know what to do with happiness .