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Why Am I Filled With Hate?

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Why Am I Filled With Hate?

Postby TheSecondMouse » Sun Jun 29, 2014 5:30 am

I find myself holding grudges and feeling a lot more negative emotions than positive..to put it short, I'm filled it with hate and use that as a big decision maker in a fair amount of situations in things from the teams I root for to the friends I cut out of my life/ignore [I do a lot of black and white thinking, typical of BPDs].. I'm not sure how to explain what I mean to say here, but I'll just give a few examples I found using sports:

1) I was rooting for the Spurs to win the NBA championship - but not because I like them, but because I HATE the Miami Heat so much for the spectacle they put on with all that Big 3 crap. Also, I absolutley cannot stand the most overrated undeserving player in the league, Chris Bosh. The whole reason I wanted the Spurs to win is that I wanted to see that Big 3 crumble and cry for my own amusement, and I was through the roof ecstatic when they lost.. I think I would have called it a successfull playoffs and stopped watching basketball entirely for the rest of the post season if the Heat had have been eliminated in the first round - I just wanted to watch them fail, and I did, and I realized that I was about 100x happier watching them lose than I was watching the Spurs win.

2) A 2nd example of this way of thinking for me is the World Cup.. It's being held in Brazil, and it's no secret that Soccer [football] is a religion to them over there. But I cannot stand how irritating brazilian soccer fans are, and it's kind of funny to me how devistating it would be to their entire country if they lose on their home soil - I will never understand this way of thinking because I don't care for anything enough to be that passionate about it. Point being, I want to watch Brazil lose. I don't have a rooting interest in the world cup outside of wanting to watch the Brazilian team lose in front of their home crowd and see all the disappointed, heartbroken fans crying because their team lost - once again, something I will never understand, but I will definitely take great joy when Brazil gets eliminated, just because they are so passionate about it and I want to watch the hopes and dreams, moreso of the fans than the players, get smashed. I do not feel this way about any other team in the world cup this year, and I don't think I will feel the same when it's held in Russia in 2018 - I probably won't even care who wins.

I have no idea why I am filled with so much hate, but I hope I am not the only person in the world who approaches [certain] things from this direction. Sadly I cannot think of any examples from life outside of sports examples at the moment, but those 2 examples are a pretty good description of how I feel in some situations, not all, but certainly a lot more than the average person. I have much more passionate hate than passionate love.

And about holding grudges - I hold them for years, they are everlasting until I "even the score" in a similar way that I was hurt .. I carry these feelings with me everywhere I go. It's.. crippling, to a point. I can never let things go and feel so much more comfortable filled with negative emotions than I ever do when I'm happy - I just don't know what to do with happiness .
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Re: Why Am I Filled With Hate?

Postby youneverreallyknow » Sun Jun 29, 2014 6:17 am

I get what you mean. I am very similar when it comes to people. I hold grudges too. There are some things that I never seem to forget about or move on from. Also I struggle to really let things go. I mean, something can upset me, I might hate that person but then seemingly move on with time. Whatever it was they did is not currently part of my thinking or bothering me. But the minute they do it (or something similar) again the memory comes back and it's like "ah ha, confirmation, they are a S#*! person and I hate them again".

I think it comes from a general distrust of people that has been learnt over time. That you are always kind of expecting the worst of people. I guess because it allows you to create a barrier and some distance from being hurt.

With respect to sports though, I find that is often the case when I'm watching it but don't really care who wins or loses. That's when I usually want the team I dislike the least to win. Or in the case of football here, which set of fans will be the least annoying (in a gloating sort of way) to have to deal with at work for the next couple of weeks while they talk endlessly about their teams victory. Same with me and voting/politics. I don't think I've ever voted because I liked someone. It's always choosing the lesser of two evils. Who do I hate the most? I'll vote for the other person then.

Negative emotions play a huge part in my life as well. Cycling between anger, sadness, emptiness continually. I wish I knew how to break down the black and white that makes everything so love/hate, all or none. I don't think I'm necessarily more comfortable with negative emotions (I think they make life unbearable). But I think the more positive ones are often so fleeting that I barely even recognise it with they are there.
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Re: Why Am I Filled With Hate?

Postby Lucinda » Sun Jun 29, 2014 7:04 am

People who judge others are usually self judgemental;
Those who criticise others are usually self critical;
Those who can Love others, have self Love

...

so perhaps the answer to your question is that you hate yourself?
''Life is not a task. There is absolutely nothing to attain except the realisation that there is absolutely nothing to attain.''
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Re: Why Am I Filled With Hate?

Postby TheSecondMouse » Sun Jun 29, 2014 7:27 am

Lucinda wrote:People who judge others are usually self judgemental;
Those who criticise others are usually self critical;
Those who can Love others, have self Love

...

so perhaps the answer to your question is that you hate yourself?


Sounds about right.
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Re: Why Am I Filled With Hate?

Postby PamHelf » Sun Jun 29, 2014 6:32 pm

I think you are being hard on yourself when you say you are full of hate.

You just enjoy a bit of schadenfreude. It's not the same. And it's quite common.

I was pleased when my country's team was knocked out of the world cup because I can't stand the whole jingoism that goes with football supporting.

It's not that weird to be pleased that obnoxious fans are upset and disappointed.

Schadenfreude is a normal feeling and doesn't = being full of hate.
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Re: Why Am I Filled With Hate?

Postby angrylady » Sun Jun 29, 2014 7:31 pm

I can relate to this...I think most people do to some extent. I think that people who have been hurt a lot in the past or people who have experienced some type of abuse may have these thoughts more than average. Sometimes it can stem from a subconscious self-hatred, but I don't think that is always the case.

I think sometimes, when you have been wronged by someone, it is not just the fact that you have been wronged that makes you angry, it is also the fact that they have done something that you yourself would never dream of doing. Or sometimes, when it is someone you don't know, like a celebrity, you may feel that they are bad people and they don't deserve good things to happen to them. Especially when you consider yourself to be a good person and you don't feel that you have gotten everything that you deserve.

I think we wish bad things on certain people as a sort of internal justice system. What we really crave is justice and that the people who have wronged you in some way are punished for it. It can be hard to live in a world where people don't always get what's coming to them.
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Re: Why Am I Filled With Hate?

Postby TheSecondMouse » Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:30 pm

So, where was I.

To reiterate what I was saying before, I do enjoy the schadenfreude. Brazil just lost 7-1 and I am beyond thrilled. I actually wanted them to lose by 7 goals (which would have been the worst defeat in world cup history for the Brazilans), and I was quite pissed when Oscar scored in the 90th minute..I couldn't believe my luck.

To put it simply, this is what happened:
Brazil team getting eliminated from the world cup, losing in the worst defeat in their country's history, on their home soil in front of their passionate, diehard, being-a-soccer-fan-is-my-whole-life supporters

I just think that the whole, as Pam put it, jingoism, of [brazilian] soccer is irritating. I want the obnoxious fans to be sad, and they are, and now I'm happy :). SCHADENFREUDE.

Watch, there will be riots, and fires, and murders, and the brazilian soccer team + coaches will be afraid to go outside their houses for fear of being assassinated. This to me is pathetic, and you'd never see Americans or Canadians acting like this. I look at people like that with a lot of condescention.

But I get joy out of watching these people's insanity, especially because when it really comes down to it, it's just a game of soccer, that they aren't even a part of.. they're just fans for f*** sakes.
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Re: Why Am I Filled With Hate?

Postby username2013 » Tue Jul 08, 2014 11:02 pm

Lucinda wrote:People who judge others are usually self judgemental;
Those who criticise others are usually self critical;
Those who can Love others, have self Love


That is SO true!
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