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Self-Sabotage

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Self-Sabotage

Postby monkey66 » Thu Oct 10, 2013 1:23 pm

I want to break the pattern of sabotaging myself when I am feeling good, doing good,
everything is flowing, I am feeling the love, helping others' etc.

I tend to binge or think negative thoughts. "This isn't going to last" etc.

I am just going to be mindful of this pattern. I'm feeling great now .

I know this is coming.

This wanting more, or feel like I deserve less..

I know this relates to Core Beliefs about myself . I will look at these and change them. They
don't fit anymore. I won't allow them in again. I am not willing to suffer like I have my entire
life anymore.

How have any of you dealt with this?
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

"We have to face the pain we have been running from. In fact, we need to learn
how to rest in it and let its searing power transform us. "
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Re: Self-Sabotage

Postby green m+m » Thu Oct 10, 2013 4:55 pm

I've done this Monkey. I will look for faults in something that's making me happy and then zero in on whatever it is and blow it up so that it is a huge thing...sabotaging my happiness.
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Re: Self-Sabotage

Postby wineaux » Thu Oct 10, 2013 5:59 pm

is minutely a word? because i definitely do it almost every minute :shock: it's getting REALLY bad lately. my T told me that i have to have chaos surrounding me at all times and everything is great in my life, so that means i have to go $#%^ storm something up. fml.

Dx: PDNOS, ADHD, MDD, ED (recovering)

i'm in your threadz, moddin' your postsImage
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Re: Self-Sabotage

Postby monkey66 » Thu Oct 10, 2013 10:22 pm

Ok so the chaos right now Inside me is a fear that my LMT will quit, on a deeper level a fear that
my setting of boundaries will not be taken well and that I will be faced with confrontation and blame.
On the deepest level the chaos inside me right now is a fear of shame or embarrassment. I am
pushing myself to set boundaries because in the past i would let her make decisions for me and
lose my power. So setting boundaries, which is an attempt to match my outside with my inside. (what
I know is right for my business using my Wise Mind) is really getting in touch with the chaos that
is already there and that is my unworthiness and my fear of embarrassment stemming from that unworthiness. So my fear of setting boundaries is the fear of being found out. That other people will
see how unworthy I really am. That's my core wound. The way I see out of this is to heal my core
wound, the inner stuff you are talking about. so my insides are not so chaotic when I do what is
right externally.

This is one example of self-sabotage. i can worry and obsess about something like this which in the
past would drive me to binge and isolate.

What do you think Archer?

-- Thu Oct 10, 2013 10:28 pm --

Also, the fear of not being liked will cause me to isolate and not set boundaries.

So doing this is really a big breakthrough for me. I think I am not sure if I was

right in setting these boundaries because I always second guess myself. But I

know that it is law that Subcontractors bill their customers and not the other way

around. I cannot let her bullying give me reason to back down. I so want to let

go of needing to be liked and to do the right thing according to the Wise Mind inside

me. I want to let go of asking you all or my husband if you think what I did was right and

just feel it inside me. I know I was severely abused/shamed from standing up to my Mom so this is where

this fear is coming from.
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

"We have to face the pain we have been running from. In fact, we need to learn
how to rest in it and let its searing power transform us. "
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Re: Self-Sabotage

Postby monkey66 » Thu Oct 10, 2013 10:38 pm

wow I get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im just having all these realizations

I was threatened all the time with being abandoned if I don't tow the line. And the line always
changed. I never knew where my Mom was coming from.

I give myself away to avoid abandonment. Now its my massage therapist. Thought I set my
boundaries and stopped that today.

I do that with my husband by asking him if he loves me constantly and if I look good.

I see it so clearly now.

Practicing boundaries that come from knowing who I am through soul searching, mediation, looking
at my core beliefs, changing the ones that don't fit, and matching my outside with my insides.
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

"We have to face the pain we have been running from. In fact, we need to learn
how to rest in it and let its searing power transform us. "
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Re: Self-Sabotage

Postby monkey66 » Thu Oct 10, 2013 10:54 pm

I still do have a lot fear. It's the PTSD. Instilled beliefs that I haven't yet examined. Habitual thought patterns etc. I don't want it anymore. It doesn't fit.

Yes I got it. Thanks. Setting boundaries is so key for me. And not giving myself away anymore. I
don't need anyone else to make me happy or to give me something I can't give myself.

:)
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

"We have to face the pain we have been running from. In fact, we need to learn
how to rest in it and let its searing power transform us. "
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Re: Self-Sabotage

Postby Empathy201 » Fri Oct 11, 2013 12:16 am

monkey66 wrote:So my fear of setting boundaries is the fear of being found out. That other people will see how unworthy I really am. That's my core wound.



I could be be misunderstanding things and you may have meant it this same way. However for the sake of saying it, it feels more like a fear of setting and/or enforcing boundaries would be much more about you feeling/fearing (maybe) you deserve any type of bad or disrespectful treatment you are given. So when you say you're afraid of setting boundaries because the fear is that others will see you are unworthy, the reality is that you are actually telling yourself and others "I am unworthy" by not having those boundaries in the first place. Does that make sense?

Some of us get confused and don't realize that our boundaries are about us and not about other people. That being the case, perhaps the most difficult aspect of boundaries for anyone with any form of self-esteem impairment is loving/respecting themselves enough to properly enforce them.

Our boundaries are not "You cannot/will not do this to me". That's not a boundary because it's about someone else and we can't control others. They can do as they please and we cannot stop them. Our boundary would be "I won't allow people in my life who (do this/that/treat me a certain way)." It's about controlling ourselves; about saying "I find this acceptable or unacceptable". And that's tough to do if you unsure what value you have and even harder if your source of value is determined by the outside world -- which becomes a catch-22 in that we're probably not enforcing them due to a misguided belief that we magically earn value (with them) this way.

Incidentally, any form of toxic relationship will involve boundary violations and it's typically an unhealthy or truly toxic person who keeps testing you by challenging your boundaries. People with NPD or similar styles of behavior, which are often seen as attractive/addictive to someone with BPD, do this boundary test on a regular basis. In fact they are often so skilled at it that they can make it appear accidental and innocent if someone with self respect realizes they are being tested. Of course, they will always try again and that's when you know they have no respect for you in the first place. Someone who does have respect for you will respect the boundary when they've been informed of it.

This goes back to what I said about saying "I am not worthy" by not having boundaries or enforcing them. Toxic people WANT someone like that... which is what they're testing for.
"(When discussing your shame) Only share with people who have earned the right to hear your story."
-- Dr. Brené Brown
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Re: Self-Sabotage

Postby katana » Fri Oct 11, 2013 12:27 am

Isn't this conversation turned on its head? Who are you talking about? If you want to go talk about boundary testing and people with PDs talk about it, but actually people with PDs generally do a lot of that.
People with BPD might be fearful of abandonment and try to backtrack as soon as people start pulling away, but people with NPD are likely to let themselves think people are allowing them to walk all over their boundaries when in reality their behaviour has caused them to be pushed pretty much right out of people's lives, while imagining everything is still fine and dandy and that the other person is the world's biggest sycophant.

Originally about self sabbotage...
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Re: Self-Sabotage

Postby Empathy201 » Fri Oct 11, 2013 1:02 am

katana wrote:Isn't this conversation turned on its head? Who are you talking about? If you want to go talk about boundary testing and people with PDs talk about it, but actually people with PDs generally do a lot of that.


You're right, it did sort of branch off and I may be guilty of expanding too much. However it was the OP who mentioned boundaries and the OP who was also quoted for that particular response. While the reply deals with boundaries, the message within it is still about how you view yourself and how you feel about what you deserve (or what you fear you do not deserve).

Would it be far-fetched to believe that having that same internal view (or fear) plays a role in self-sabotage?

If not, then for the OP, we might have just branched off but it seems we may have also realigned back with the same original 'tree'.


To comment on the later portion of your reply would involve me hijacking the thread.
"(When discussing your shame) Only share with people who have earned the right to hear your story."
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Re: Self-Sabotage

Postby monkey66 » Fri Oct 11, 2013 1:10 am

Empathy,

That's exactly it. I want to keep
reading what you said and think
about it. I really appreciate your
thoughtful response.

It's also I want to be liked and
not absndoned so I can be a
yes person at times. So it's not
only deservability. I do realize
that my boundaries are about me.
Im glad you brought that up. I think I
have some misplaced anger. :) I get it

Anyways, when I am
centered and confident I can
set my boundaries. I do know what
it's like to be out of the Borderline
zone. To know who I am. And it will
be easier to set boundaries as I strengthen
my identity.

-- Fri Oct 11, 2013 1:18 am --

Empathy

I read your response again . Yes you
re right. By not setting them I am
projecting unworthiness .

I do think I also avoid boundaries cuz
I want people to like me so I avoid
confrontation . But I see that also
backfires. How can someone trust a yes
person?

And then I will see what I am doing snd
I will go overboard in asserting myself.

Instead of just voicing my truth to begin with.


If this isn't a manifestation of self sabotage
I don't know what is !!! Lol
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

"We have to face the pain we have been running from. In fact, we need to learn
how to rest in it and let its searing power transform us. "
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