my theory about this, which my social worker has said has some merit, is that we (just human beings in general, not people with bpd specifically) are always looking for a balance between our inner world and our outer world.
so if we've got chaos inside us, then we unconsciously create chaos around us to find some sort of equilibrium.
that's why, in my opinion, the answers aren't external. the more peace that we can find inside, the more that we can accept peace when we find it.
so...to me the answer isn't that you are sabotaging as much as looking for your outer world to match your inner world, on an unconscious level. and this process would remain if your inner world were in a better place too, except then you'd be making decisions to keep you away from chaos.
and for me...i don't have this issue to the same degree because i'm actually pretty centred and calm most of the time these days and i tend to walk away from chaos rather than seek it.
your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. -- rumi
out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. i'll meet you there. -- rumi