How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Pretty tired and lonely. Recovering from a huge fight i had with a very dear friend of mine.

Well I'm feeling less stressed out. I now officially have two new client's, so I should easily make 2 grand by July.. and then on top probably an additional grand or so through boarding dogs. I also got an air conditioner today, so that makes me pretty happy. Last year it was 90 degrees in my apartment, if not hotter, so this summer is definitely going to be nicer. I also won't have to constantly put frozen water into my fish tank, and I probably won't come back to dead fish in August.

But I mean financial things are good, but my mood is pretty crappy right now. I just feel so weak. I don't feel like even making food for myself or anything. I just want to get into bed and do nothing. Work will be calling in 2 hours though. ugh

I feel wracked with shame and confusion. I just got home from a social event with 100% new people. It's part of my 'campaign' to meet new people consistently so I don't just get fixated on one person and to try to have smooth interactions, reactions & attachments to lots of different people instead of feeling like my bpd traits are throwing me into a storm every time I try to socialise.

I felt offended by pretty much every person, I think there were about 8 people. Maybe I just didn't like anyone and to a healthy person that's not a big deal. But to me it felt like I was the worst, angry monster to ever attend a social gathering and each person was saying the most provocative & insulting things they could to get an angry/outraged reaction out of me. It sucked. I heard some weird things. Really struggling to feel this was a learning experience, I regret going & want to 'delete' the whole thing as I feel ashamed & like a big ol' freak.

Empty. Trying to survive another day without drugs...

I hope my boyfriend learns to just leave when I start crying about him leaving. I don't mean to, but I always start crying and crying.. and even when I am crying I know that once he leaves I'll start to feel a bit better. Him going home isn't the end of the world, and I know that. It's just so hard for me. I thought it would get easier by now, but it hasn't. I thought that a month and a bit would be good, and I'd get used to him always having to go home on Sunday's.. I thought that him coming back on the Tuesday and him then coming back on the Friday would put my mind at ease over time. It hasn't though. I'm still terrified he won't come back.

Today it was all fun and games until he wanted his sweater. It was an unexpected cold snap, and he didn't have any warm clothing with him.. so he wanted to wear his sweater home, and once I let go of it I just started bawling. Now I have nothing here. If he wanted to just vanish from my life he could. I don't like knowing that.

I've been in DBT for a while and i've got some good skills from there. I still can't shake this awful fear of my friends leaving me forever or hating me behind their back. They tell me to think realistically but i always have hard time doing that. Everytime i need the damn evidence or my fear will just grow. I just don't know what to do about it cause the fear is very big and feels so real.

I'm afraid my friends will get annoyed of me asking all the time for reassurance..

LostSheep wrote:I've been in DBT for a while and i've got some good skills from there. I still can't shake this awful fear of my friends leaving me forever or hating me behind their back. They tell me to think realistically but i always have hard time doing that. Everytime i need the damn evidence or my fear will just grow. I just don't know what to do about it cause the fear is very big and feels so real.

I'm afraid my friends will get annoyed of me asking all the time for reassurance..

I hear you. I need the evidence. But that's great you have friends. I don't have a stable group of established friends so my fears may be well founded.

Today I feel abandoned, rejected & disliked. Seems like no matter how much effort I put into trying to establish friendships I'm always spinning on the same spot alone.

I am emotional. I feel like he doesn't really care about any of this. I don't feel like any kind of priority. I don't even think he loves me. I hate that he tells me one thing but then his actions say otherwise. It's just all driving me crazy. Sometimes I'm excited that I'll be gone a month just so I won't have to deal with him. I mean he's great, but he can be so upsetting at times. I'm so ###$ up though.

I mean part of me thinks he wants me to meet him at the Starbucks so that he can breakup with me, and think I won't cause a scene.. and realistically that probably won't happen, but it's in my head. I don't trust him or feel secure with him at all.

I'm FINALLY being medicated for my PTSD symptoms and so far the difference has been amazing. I actually have gone out and not felt like having a panic attack. I still have thoughts, triggers, moments but the intensity is a hell of a lot less and I feel able to control them. If I can notice this much of a difference in early days, I am excited to see what the future holds. I already feel like I got a little bit of my life back.

is it normal that working makes me feel like i am a slave and i just wait until is over to be free again.