How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Echinacea wrote:@Breytt
That sucks , sorry that they treated ya like that
coz of our outbursts (rage) i guess mostly, but that shouldn't be the "soul reason" they refused to help ya though.

I dont rage 24/7 , so im not always scary

I actually don't get angry at professionals trying to help me. I'm very receptive towards them. haha.. I guess they wouldn't know that's how I am personally though.

Honestly I think it's more-or-less that I answered a question stating that I felt like killing myself on a regular basis. That's the only question that really sticks out that seems like it could be used against me. I mean I'm not actively trying to kill myself, but the thought is always there.. but me answering how I did probably lead them to believe I needed to be inpatient or have "serious" therapy, like dbt or cbt. Like I've said before I've been waiting nearly 2 years just for a psychiatrist (who then could refer me to a day program or cbt or dbt), so those aren't options right now.
This counseling wouldn't have been anything specialized, but in my head at least it was something to get me on the right track. Oh well though. :/

I'm angry at my partner often enough though. The last couple days I've been a little calmer, but even just now he told me he may go to this event tonight and it made me kind of mad. I don't know what it is about this particular event. Probably because a guy who sexually assaulted me attends it as well. ugh. :l

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As for today, I'm irritated. I've been watching this 5 month old lab puppy two days a week, and he pissed on my floor last night.. As well as pooped on it. The dog had just been out 4/5 hours prior, yet did that. I have a small 12lbs Shorkie (yorkie/shih tzu mix) and he can hold his bladder wayyyy longer than that dog can.. and that dog is easily 4x my dogs size. Just doesn't make sense that he can't hold it for 4 hours.. The woman who owns him claims he's house-trained, but clearly not.
*Oh and on top of him always urinating on my floor, he also always comes over the first day smelling like he rolled around in dirty cat litter.. So I always have to give him a bath. The smell is -so- bad that I can't even sleep if I don't. It also stinks up my blankets.. idk how the owner doesn't notice he smells so awful.

Oh and now I'm bitching at my boyfriend because of that stupid event. I'm kind of just in a bad mood. I smoked a joint he left here last night, and it didn't even help me sleep. I hoped it would, but I was still up until 5am.

springbreak
springbreak4ever

and now it's worse. I started getting mad about not having anyone to help me, and feeling like he doesn't care about me. Then he turns around and says he's going to go do $#%^ for two hours, when I'm clearly becoming even more upset. Which just reinforces my idea that he doesn't care and doesn't want to help me at all. I feel like crying right now. How can he be this stupid? All he's doing is reinforcing that I'm just a burden that he doesn't care about at all. I even called him a stupid dick. I mean I regretted it once it sent, but he always does this. I can't handle it. I need his help and all he does is ignore me when I get like this. I feel like I should be his first priority when I get this upset, but I'm not one at all. He doesn't care at all. Then if I cut myself he'll just turn that around on me too. I think I will anyway. I'm so upset right now.

@Breytt
Ye i see you have a lot on your plate right now

@doggy pissy ass, sometimes dogs get nervous away from home, you dog uses garden too, so the scent around the garden might be intimidating for the other dog (just a thought)
put some newspaper down just in case, or take the dog for a walk to go toilet a after eating this might also help.

(i was a dog trainer for 6 years, so i noticed different behaviors within the pack i was working with)

"Smelly dog" sometime owners cant smell it, they live with it so senses become used to it.

Your situation with your boyfriend can and will irritate too, you both need to talk thats for sure.
Why would he go to an even that your abuser is at?

Echinacea wrote:@Breytt
Ye i see you have a lot on your plate right now

@doggy pissy ass, sometimes dogs get nervous away from home, you dog uses garden too, so the scent around the garden might be intimidating for the other dog (just a thought)
put some newspaper down just in case, or take the dog for a walk to go toilet a after eating this might also help.

(i was a dog trainer for 6 years, so i noticed different behaviors within the pack i was working with)

"Smelly dog" sometime owners cant smell it, they live with it so senses become used to it.

Your situation with your boyfriend can and will irritate too, you both need to talk thats for sure.
Why would he go to an even that your abuser is at?

I don't even think he's nervous, I just don't think he's actually 100% house-broken.. Now I'm making sure he's out every 3-4 hours to try and avoid any messes. At least last night he didn't piss on my floor, but he pooped on it around 2-3am (he'd also been out just 2 hours prior). He'd pooped like 5 hours prior right after eating, yet I guess he's just full of it. He was driving me nuts last night though. Barking in the middle of the night, squeaking toys constantly, trying to play with my dog -resulting in more barking, pulling a lot on the leash, etc. I think it's fairly safe to say that I can't stand big puppies. I mean they're cute, but I'm too impatient. At least little puppies if they're doing something "bad" you can easily stop them. My dog is technically still a puppy and he's great.

I think it is a "she's just used to it" thing. Which makes me wonder if her or potentially her roommates have cats, and none of them take care of the cat litter.. I bathed him two nights ago, then she picked him up in the morning and he ended up coming back that night starting to smell like it again. I only watch him over-night.. But it's kind of gross.

Today I'm feeling a bit better though. I mean I've gotten 2 hours of sleep, and now I'm just waiting for the dog to be picked up. The owner said she would be here 50 minutes ago, but apparently not. Now I think I'll just stay up until noon or so (I have to go out at 10:30 for an hour otherwise I'd go back to bed right now), then have a nap, and then maybe go and get some Christmas shopping done.

As for the event a lot of his friends go to it, and it's one of the few social things he goes to. He's been going to it since before he and I had even met actually. I can't help that it brings up bad feelings. Lately I've noticed he's been mentioning that the guy is attending more regularly again as well.. Like I want to hear that?? I mean I've repressed a lot of that night (I even read an old "journal" entry that was written 4-5 months after and barely remembered any of what I wrote that happened), but I still get awful feelings about it. I mean I can't stand -any- of the people at that event these days, because they all knew what happened and still were okay with that guy. These are the same people who made sure individuals never came back over wayyyy smaller things. These days I see them all as terrible people. Oh well though. Just another reason I won't ever try to make "real" friends, because that's what they did to me and I can only assume everyone else here would do the same.

@Breytt
Do you feel that the dog owner takes you for granted a bit ? being late and whatnot. Sometimes it is hard work working with dogs, i have had many through my life, but now i feel i cant have any with my life i have now, i would feel "restricted" i dont want a pet relying on me (sounds selfish) i know but thats how i feel in my life atm, i need to learn to love me and my own company before i can take care of others now.

have you been in the dog owners house, do you notice the smell in there ?
Do you add additional payment to the bill for cleaning your floor and bedding (washing powder/cleaning products? i ask this because maybe un noticeably this might be what it irritating you (i would be irritated by it) thats why i can see it might be same for you.

Ah i see, yes it will annoy you if they all dont see a problem with the event like you do. sometimes people that havent had experienced something cant really relate to how you are feeling about it (no one can relate to what happened to you) and im sorry that they dont understand.

my situation i noticed (not in the same as what youve been through tho)

(my ex hurt his ankle a few weeks ago) i have had leg pain for 3 years, so he only know how it felt because he had experienced similar pain so he can relate that my mood was elevated by the pain/stress. and now asks how im doing more than he ever cared before.


Try and explain how it makes "you feel" not the you shouldn't go because ______ coz many times it can come across as naggy when in actual fct we are just finding it hard to explain how we feel.

hopefully one day he will see from your side

Breytt wrote:and now it's worse. I started getting mad about not having anyone to help me, and feeling like he doesn't care about me. Then he turns around and says he's going to go do $#%^ for two hours, when I'm clearly becoming even more upset. Which just reinforces my idea that he doesn't care and doesn't want to help me at all. I feel like crying right now. How can he be this stupid? All he's doing is reinforcing that I'm just a burden that he doesn't care about at all. I even called him a stupid dick. I mean I regretted it once it sent, but he always does this. I can't handle it. I need his help and all he does is ignore me when I get like this. I feel like I should be his first priority when I get this upset, but I'm not one at all. He doesn't care at all. Then if I cut myself he'll just turn that around on me too. I think I will anyway. I'm so upset right now.

Sorry Breytt, I wish you didn't feel this way. If it's any consolation I feel extremely similar right now. It's hard to talk yourself out of the idea that you are a burden.

I just wanted to commiserate with everyone's relationship problems.

My marriage looks to be on the rocks and I'm genuinely shocked, because I had no idea my husband was finding me such a nightmare. He's a very calm and patient person, but he actually ended up throwing stuff around tonight and that's never happened in 9 years (4 married). I told him that I feel insecure and inadequate because he watches porn and he said he can't take any more of my insecurity and constant need for reassurance. I didn't even say it in a shouty way and didn't think I was confrontational about it.

Then I asked him if he wanted me to move out and he got even angrier. I honestly thought it might be a sensible idea if he feels that way. Now I'm just leaving him alone so hopefully things can calm down and we can have a mature discussion about how to proceed.

But yeah, genuinely shocked that I have a completely different view of the reality of this relationship to him. I hate the thought that he's been so unhappy and hasn't said anything, I'm full of guilt. I must definitely have a PD of some kind.

CloudShark wrote:I just wanted to commiserate with everyone's relationship problems.

My marriage looks to be on the rocks and I'm genuinely shocked, because I had no idea my husband was finding me such a nightmare. He's a very calm and patient person, but he actually ended up throwing stuff around tonight and that's never happened in 9 years (4 married). I told him that I feel insecure and inadequate because he watches porn and he said he can't take any more of my insecurity and constant need for reassurance. I didn't even say it in a shouty way and didn't think I was confrontational about it.

Then I asked him if he wanted me to move out and he got even angrier. I honestly thought it might be a sensible idea if he feels that way. Now I'm just leaving him alone so hopefully things can calm down and we can have a mature discussion about how to proceed.

But yeah, genuinely shocked that I have a completely different view of the reality of this relationship to him. I hate the thought that he's been so unhappy and hasn't said anything, I'm full of guilt. I must definitely have a PD of some kind.

CS dam im so sorry , i can relate so much ...why is it that "we" see things so different than they do..i was shocked same as you are now (they never say anything till its to late) and thats the problem (yes we can all be a nightmare at times) but we calm down when we know we are safe and loved right? Why is it so hard for them?

Yes i think your right, calm things down and talk about this (hopefully) things can be sorted before it goes any worse

I am really sorry that your going through this (i hated it) my ex couldnt talk about it until after. now he wishes he had silly man.

CloudShark wrote:I just wanted to commiserate with everyone's relationship problems.

My marriage looks to be on the rocks and I'm genuinely shocked, because I had no idea my husband was finding me such a nightmare. He's a very calm and patient person, but he actually ended up throwing stuff around tonight and that's never happened in 9 years (4 married). I told him that I feel insecure and inadequate because he watches porn and he said he can't take any more of my insecurity and constant need for reassurance. I didn't even say it in a shouty way and didn't think I was confrontational about it.

Then I asked him if he wanted me to move out and he got even angrier. I honestly thought it might be a sensible idea if he feels that way. Now I'm just leaving him alone so hopefully things can calm down and we can have a mature discussion about how to proceed.

But yeah, genuinely shocked that I have a completely different view of the reality of this relationship to him. I hate the thought that he's been so unhappy and hasn't said anything, I'm full of guilt. I must definitely have a PD of some kind.

That's so tough CS, I'm really sorry that this is happening I don't know, maybe this was a one time outburst? It may not mean that he has really been this unhappy the entire time, it might just have been a sensitive moment and it came out in a way that was bigger for him. But either way, it's the scariest thought of all to think that someone hasn't been entirely upfront with how unhappy they are - because that's sort of our worst fear, isn't it, that someone secretly has an issue with us. It's even worse than someone talking straight up about a problem because it leads us to wonder when they're atually happy, or when they're just not saying anythng, for me that leads to more fear of abandonment than anything cause you feel like you don't know when things are actually ok or not. It makes it harder than ever to trust.

I really hope you two can have an open conversation about this soon.