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How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Breytt » Fri Aug 26, 2016 7:33 pm

I forgot to come back and respond to you Echinacea. He states he's single on pretty much facebook. It's a social site like that. Not a dating website or anything.

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As for today I feel depressed, and kind of nuts. I feel like crying. I just read a post about false-accusations, and it triggered me. I've been battling a sexual assault that happened for the last year and a bit. I keep wondering if I'm crazy, and if it even happened. I can't remember much of the night. I can't put it together. I began repressing it within a few hours of it happening. Now it's all a blur. That just added to me already feeling depressed today. I'm about ready to go spend money on $#%^ I really can't afford. I feel like harming myself. I feel scared. I don't know what to do with myself.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby witchessabbath » Fri Aug 26, 2016 7:43 pm

Breytt wrote:I forgot to come back and respond to you Echinacea. He states he's single on pretty much facebook. It's a social site like that. Not a dating website or anything.

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As for today I feel depressed, and kind of nuts. I feel like crying. I just read a post about false-accusations, and it triggered me. I've been battling a sexual assault that happened for the last year and a bit. I keep wondering if I'm crazy, and if it even happened. I can't remember much of the night. I can't put it together. I began repressing it within a few hours of it happening. Now it's all a blur. That just added to me already feeling depressed today. I'm about ready to go spend money on $#%^ I really can't afford. I feel like harming myself. I feel scared. I don't know what to do with myself.


I know there's a lot of stuff about false accusations that go around it drives me mad! The actual rate of false accusations is 2% or less...no different from any other crime. And it's totally normal to have a memory that is messed up when assaulted. In those moments it's common to dissociate to get away from what is happening and to repress memories to deal with it. The way I see it, if you're dealing with this sort of trauma from it, there's very likely that something non-consensual happened.

Sorry you're going through this Breytt but hang in there. It's not your fault and like I said it's common to feel really mixed up after that sort of experience.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Breytt » Fri Aug 26, 2016 8:14 pm

witchessabbath wrote:
Breytt wrote:I forgot to come back and respond to you Echinacea. He states he's single on pretty much facebook. It's a social site like that. Not a dating website or anything.

--------------------
As for today I feel depressed, and kind of nuts. I feel like crying. I just read a post about false-accusations, and it triggered me. I've been battling a sexual assault that happened for the last year and a bit. I keep wondering if I'm crazy, and if it even happened. I can't remember much of the night. I can't put it together. I began repressing it within a few hours of it happening. Now it's all a blur. That just added to me already feeling depressed today. I'm about ready to go spend money on $#%^ I really can't afford. I feel like harming myself. I feel scared. I don't know what to do with myself.


I know there's a lot of stuff about false accusations that go around it drives me mad! The actual rate of false accusations is 2% or less...no different from any other crime. And it's totally normal to have a memory that is messed up when assaulted. In those moments it's common to dissociate to get away from what is happening and to repress memories to deal with it. The way I see it, if you're dealing with this sort of trauma from it, there's very likely that something non-consensual happened.

Sorry you're going through this Breytt but hang in there. It's not your fault and like I said it's common to feel really mixed up after that sort of experience.


See the thing is I know something happened. I keep telling myself I wouldn't get so upset, or triggered if nothing happened. The fact I can remember only bits and pieces drives me nuts though. Like I'm 100% sure something did happen, but because I can't remember every part of it I feel like I just made it up.. and that I overreacted. Every time I get triggered by something related to sexual assault I get into this state of "what actually happened". Although it was rather clear last October when I was near the guy's apartment (picking something up with a bf) that something did happen. I began crying in the car, and had a panic attack. It wasn't good.

I just need to calm down right now though. It's a bit hard when I'm alone at home though. I'm trying to distract myself as best as I can. :( Hopefully tonight I can go out and do something fun.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Zixxy » Fri Aug 26, 2016 9:32 pm

i'm so sorry you are going though this right now. I have been in your exact position and i know how awful and confusing it is. i'm glad you accept something did happen. that is important.

I also also remember bits of what happened to me as well. I don't know if i was drugged or what, and that uncertain can really get to you and make you doubt yourself. I promise you did not make it up and are certainly not overreacting. as you said, those signs point to you being right.

i also hope you can have fun tonight. i wish you luck.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Remember Ronni » Sat Aug 27, 2016 12:14 am

Casper wrote:Hopeless isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

Apart from some unrelated despondency/depression, I am also ending my DBT. It is extending for 12 weeks due to my therapist wanting to work on my PTSD, but I came to a realization last night that burst a huge bubble I'd been living in for a while.

I had always thought of DBT as this way to sort of "cure" BPD. I have realized now that it isn't. All it is, is a way to control the outward symptoms and responses. I have been told by family that I have drastically changed (for the better) since I started DBT, but inside, I still have the same raging emotions; I'm still the same monster that I always was. I guess I always will be. I'm just better at keeping it bottled up now.

That sounds okay, but that emotion has to vent somewhere - it doesn't just vanish. I'm finding it goes to suicidal ideation, much more frequently than before. It has also gone further in action, which I really don't want to go into here.

But for some reason, the DBT therapists keep calling me the poster boy of their program. Some poster boy.


Sorry you're feeling bad Casper. Your post struck a real chord with me. I was referred for DBT but after a year of therapy I just couldn't face any more. As helpful as I know it can be, it's also painful and triggering too. So I told them to close their file.

But this is something I often wondered about DBT. I've read bits and pieces, but when you're one of the "quiet borderlines", when there are no outward symptoms or responses, how can DBT help? My problem is that for the most part my BPD is silent, all of it goes on inside my head. Because I don't express it I get very depressed with a lot of suicidal thoughts. Or that's what the therapist told me anyway.

I wondered though reading your post whether you found DBT went further than that? I mean at first it probably is about reigning in the bursts of emotion, but do you think that over time that might change the intensity of those same emotions? To take a really silly unrelated example - say you bite your nails. Just because you stop actually biting them, doesn't stop the urge to do it. But then as time passes, and you get used to not biting them, does the urge to do it, the need to do it dissipate? If you practise the distress tolerance type exercises (and remember I haven't done any DBT) will the brain continue to turn down the volume (or the intensity) of those emotions even if you are no longer letting them out? These things are often very entrenched and have been going on a long time, so it makes sense that it's going to take time for the brain to change the way it deals with the emotional turmoil.

Sorry I am thinking out loud now. I was just interested in what you'd written and curious about the longer term benefits of DBT. Are there other ways you can safely vent - writing, exercise, music? For me, I've always kept a journal. Well I say journal, but it's more for venting the emotional stuff. Or just trying to figure out the grey bits when I start the black and white thinking stuff. It helps me, but I know it's not for everyone. I started it when I was a kid for all the emotions I wasn't allowed to express. And of course there's PF too.

It's bound to feel difficult though coming to the end of the therapy. Every therapist I've ever seen have told me I have problems with endings though for me it's more, it's ending and I am not fixed yet. But then I have looked back on the reports of my older therapies and I can see changes now. It just takes time for me to really process stuff like that. I guess "getting well" is a long process for BPD and maybe a lot of it only starts when you've learned all you can in therapy. Are you glad you did it though - the DBT I mean?

Anyway enough jabbering. I really hope things start to feel better for you.
Diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD)
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby MotherRussia » Sat Aug 27, 2016 1:00 am

witchessabbath wrote:Better now primarily because I realize my body is destroyed lol. It's 8:41 PM and I just realized that I literally ate nothing all day except a small bowl of drunken tuna casserole, the rest was all alcohol. I didn't even notice. I feel like my intestines are giving up on me lol. :cry: Oh well, took the sadness away so yay.


Be careful with this. I got into this habit. I choose alcohol over food most of the time.

Its really bad for the body. I look like crap. Pale af and dark circles under my eyes. Ugh. :cry: Good look for a vampire, but I'm not one. Currently trying to make myself eat more instead of drinking now.

Stop while you can. :lol:
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby MotherRussia » Sat Aug 27, 2016 2:23 am

madjoe wrote:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oV17Is8eg7Q
ok i don't get it
commercial
axe anti transpiering spray
dude is a to total cuck
is this for the whiped man?
really?
i have to ask is that the kinda man you (women) would respect ? they say he's wierd doing that and he's ascting like a beaten dog


I don't see how he's a cuck or acting like a beaten dog, but also I can't understand what they are saying.

What is a whipped man? Someone choosing to be in a relationship doesn't have to mean they are "whipped" or a "cuck" or something else.

Let me ask you this: You like to be single and do you like people judging you for that? Or calling you names for it, or pressuring you to be something else?

It works for you, so you do it.

If a man chooses to be in a relationship, is it possible he chooses that because it works for him? It improves his life? He does it because he wants to?

Different strokes for different folks. :)

That said.....it doesn't negate the decision of being alone and single. I choose that, myself. People irritate me if I am around them for too long.

For other people....I guess it makes them happy to be around people.

I wonder what that would be like. :lol:

I prefer our way, Joe..being alone can be refreshing. But it doesn't make someone a cuck if they like company, imho.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby witchessabbath » Sat Aug 27, 2016 9:31 pm

MotherRussia wrote:
witchessabbath wrote:Better now primarily because I realize my body is destroyed lol. It's 8:41 PM and I just realized that I literally ate nothing all day except a small bowl of drunken tuna casserole, the rest was all alcohol. I didn't even notice. I feel like my intestines are giving up on me lol. :cry: Oh well, took the sadness away so yay.


Be careful with this. I got into this habit. I choose alcohol over food most of the time.

Its really bad for the body. I look like crap. Pale af and dark circles under my eyes. Ugh. :cry: Good look for a vampire, but I'm not one. Currently trying to make myself eat more instead of drinking now.

Stop while you can. :lol:


Meh, I'm not so sure I want my body anymore.

I feel like all this bad stuff is happening at one time?? And I'm not even self-sabotaging (much). I hate not being able to talk about it on here. My brother and ex are sick of hearing me complain. And now some stuff is happening to make the situation worse and harder to manage.

I've just been laying in bed all day. F stayed with me. I told her I don't feel safe because I don't. She asked if I could think of a place that made me feel safe. I just thought about her old apartment. So we drove there and sat outside of it and I just thought back to the times we holed up in there and didn't have a care in the world. Just trying to get it together and get by you know?

Now I'm back in bed just wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up. I hate that this is my life. My two fears of suicide are the unknown (will I go to hell if there is one?), and the fact that it seems really undignified. I wondered if I could get assisted euthanasia for mental suffering. Just a doctor putting me to sleep, seems a lot better than blowing my brains out or having someone find me dead in a pile of my own puke from poisoning. Or less gory than a car accident. It would probably hurt the people I love regardless but like I said it's a lot more dignified than a messy suicide that would scar them when they found my body. They would never get that image of of their mind. I don't want to put that out into the universe.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Echinacea » Sat Aug 27, 2016 10:33 pm

witchessabbath wrote:Now I'm back in bed just wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up. I hate that this is my life. My two fears of suicide are the unknown (will I go to hell if there is one?), and the fact that it seems really undignified. I wondered if I could get assisted euthanasia for mental suffering. Just a doctor putting me to sleep, seems a lot better than blowing my brains out or having someone find me dead in a pile of my own puke from poisoning. Or less gory than a car accident. It would probably hurt the people I love regardless but like I said it's a lot more dignified than a messy suicide that would scar them when they found my body. They would never get that image of of their mind. I don't want to put that out into the universe.


What a lovely girl F is ..she supports you so well..i just want to hug her i really do, i am so sorry that your feeling like your life is so conflicting..i wished there was something i could say to make everything ok for you ...i can only be here if you need me ..dont forget im here in PM too if you privacy ...we've known each other over 12 months now and i hope you can talk to me about anything

Going to Fs old plce was a great idea ..something calming and familiar for you.
how about you and F finding a new place in nature that you can go to when you need calm? build a small wooden "lean too" with water proof tarp, make nature your new go too place, what you think?

[Mod mode]
...but as a moderator i will ask you are you safe?
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby witchessabbath » Sat Aug 27, 2016 11:36 pm

Thanks. I may take you up on the pm thing.

I don't feel safe but I am cause I'm not alone.
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