I'm sick of this. Everyone thinks I'm just not trying. How the hell would you know that? For your information, I am. I'm not forgetting to try my coping skills, I'm spraying the internet with my problems trying to get out how I feel. I'm trying to reach out when I feel suicidal. What coping skills am I not doing? I'm busting my ass trying to get better.
If I had given up trying, I would be dead. Don't even doubt it, I'd have killed myself already. In fact, I still want to. I have wanted to for the past bunch of months. I'm fighting it like hell.
Maybe you just don't get me.
Yeah, sure... some of my choices aren't wise. Overloading on caffeine in order to lift myself up is unhealthy. But you wanna know what? It does more for me, than anything you are doing. In fact, it temporarily makes me feel better enough to deal with the situation right there and then. Instead of taking my life.
I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't know how to get it acrossed to you. What has been left unsaid?
I've been telling them over and over, and even outright, "I've been increasingly suicidal". Even that I've made attempts and snapped out of it. That I'm trying my hardest, and feel my control slipping. What was I told? I need to try harder, and that I'm just not trying to utilize my coping skills enough. Yeah... And you wonder why part of me wants to give up.... you wonder why I feel like this. I'm feeling more and more like you just don't have answers. You just want me to keep going there so you can keep getting paid. A fudging revolving door. I come and get "help" and you get paid.
I hate you! I really do!
Where am I going to go from here? I'm not sure. I feel trapped. Can't switch therapists and psychologists until the disability process is up.
I get the feeling they just don't have the answers. I get the feeling that they want to blame me and say I'm just not trying, because they don't want to admit that. I didn't think that before, I've been fighting that thought, but the less and less they help me, the more and more I feel like that.
Meanwhile, I see the volume of caffeine I need to consume go up. I can't just drown this out forever. I'm aware of that. I'm trying to drown it out till I find a solution. Meanwhile, I'm broker than I ever was. I'm seeing if a friend will lend me money for the internet, I might be offline soon. I need to keep it on, its how I talk to people at night to keep myself safe. My phone is out of minutes, and even if it had it, talking to someone outside the context of typing to people online, is hard, especially when you don't know that person.
I literally lock up. Unable to tell them what's going on. I can type it far better. Though whenever I have to consciously try to extract this $#%^ from my brain, it locks down and refuses me access. I lock up, and struggle to speak. Sometimes, I struggle to even read what I wrote.
At one of my groups, I for the first time in years (umm... since almost middle school, and I'm 24) lashed out over something stupid and started yelling. I realized I was doing it and left the room in embarrassment. It was over something I did that someone said they didn't like, it wasn't like anyone wronged me. I don't know how to get this acrossed to people. I'm losing selfcontrol, and am screaming for help, yet I'm just expected to stop whining and control it. I'm trying, and am having trouble.
It's almost like they don't even believe that I'm losing selfcontrol, that its hard for me no matter how hard I try. I literally lose myself. I black out and realize what I'm doing after or in the middle of it. I'm trying very very hard. What else can I say to them? Without them thinking I'm just whining and not trying? Without getting some variation on "don't give up".
Or its just that they want me to die and don't want to admit it. They want me to be gone because they can't stand me. I'm just that annoying and needy. Fine, I see how it is. I don't give a ###$ to be honest what you think of me. I'm not going for you but for me, because I want to help me, so that I can get myself out of your hair so you can do your "job".
I'm sick of people judging me. You don't know me. You don't know what I try to do or don't.
I'm trying not to lose it. I really am. I'm doing what I can. I'm doing all I can. I come to you not because I'm not trying, but because I'm trying, haven't lost it completely, but am feeling like I'm very close to losing control.