kurodon wrote:18~present: When paranoid, I heavily blame (bait) my gf by calmly telling her that I don't trust her or that I 'know"' she's cheating on me. I KNOW this is wrong, but doing it keeps me calm, but this usually leads to fights or her crying, both of which make me feel worthless (which when looking back after each individual event, that seemed like the only goal I had in mind).
I had one thing to say here. Does she know what about what you go through, and what you're true goal is here? If not, I think explaining to her what's going on may help her learn to combat what's going on. Of course, it's still a behavior that needs to be stopped, but if a mistake is made, understanding really needs to be there.
kurodon wrote:Yes she knows, and I've helped her find loads of resources (She's Japanese, but speaks good English as well, but still trying to get things in both). I'm as open as I can be and I try to tell her what I'm feeling when she asks me why. Big problem is she's had a lot of business trips and most of our issues have arisen during them. HONESTLY speaking right now I have a strong feeling to verbally attack her and get things over with, or rant on about every little problem until I feel better. Both ideas make me feel sick to my stomach...
I still don't fully understand my triggers.
She should be calling me any minute now, and I'm terrified... over a simple good night phone call...
It's definitely difficult, and I can't wait for the long distance part to be over. This is my first relationship, and it's been 15 months (I'm 17 btw).
Do you dissociate a lot? That's what your current state sounds like to me.
It's good that you can see what to work on. Just don't rush marriage and relationships and I'm sure one will eventually be right.