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Assigning blame / accountability / responsibility *TW

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Assigning blame / accountability / responsibility *TW

Postby centerpath » Mon Mar 18, 2013 5:05 pm

I encountered one of these quotes on facebook that basically said

"you attract things or people that are already in you".

Fine I say. As an adult I am responsible for who I attract and how I interact with the world.

But my life is not defined by these choices. My life is the product of abuse and trauma and projection that occurred when i was very young. Much too young to be able to alter my environment or make conscious choices. And now that I am old enough to be conscious my foundation, my sense of self, is riddled with a narcissistic parents self loathing and projections like swiss cheese.

How do we sort this out? Take responsibility for what we do today, but forgive ourselves for the underlying patterns that were visited upon us at an age when we did not have control?
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Re: Assigning blame / accountability / responsibility *TW

Postby Spring » Mon Mar 18, 2013 5:26 pm

The type of people I attract is not anything like me or what I have inside of me! I attract the opposite I have to much empathy and sympathy. The people I attract are the void of empathy and sympathy. You can't keep thinking of the past leave it there where it belongs and start working on your future. You only live once.
A friend is nothing but a known enemy.
Kurt Cobain
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Re: Assigning blame / accountability / responsibility *TW

Postby centerpath » Mon Mar 18, 2013 9:30 pm

i agree from my own experience, we'll keep repeating the same relationships, the same cycles, until we find the route for change.

i don't know what life has been like for others, from what i read i think a lot of similarities exist.

one of my biggest struggles has been that early in my life i adopted patterns of interacting with people and the world around me that were highly dysfunctional and that deepened the difficulties and fed upon themselves. breaking those patterns, for me, involves reaching much deeper into core self than i have felt equipped to do, and to try to sort out origins for a lot of this stuff and kind of re-route the pattern of mind.

i feel programmed to feel responsible for everything i think or do or say, but as i work with that i come upon experiences and events that occurred at a very young age. i have not found the "ignore the source and work on what's in front of you" to be a totally workable solution. triggers often relate to early life events, for me seeing those events clearly has been part of releasing triggers. i can't blame my entire life on poor parenting, i can't hold myself accountable for events that happened when i was two years old. i've found the process of sorting that out very difficult. that's the issue i'm asking about for those that may have tread this issue. my particular early life environment through mid teens was one where shame was applied continuously, along with a lot of projection. being able to say "this was projected onto me" and "this i need to be accountable for" matters.
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Re: Assigning blame / accountability / responsibility *TW

Postby centerpath » Mon Mar 18, 2013 11:03 pm

i don't want to suggest that what you shared wasn't on the mark, it's on the mark for you, i'm never sure how to express things like this that are close to the bone so to speak.

i don't know if it's like this for everyone. i was raised by a really toxic narcissist who projected very powerfully, the other parent was rageful and powerful and protected the narcissist's delusions. when i entered school it was a train wreck starting in pre school and continuing throughout. everything i knew to survive at home was hostile and foreign to the non peers, and it quickly devolved into a living hell. i never got my head up enough to see what was happening and change the patterns until adulthood.

so now in order to try to unlayer this thing and really address the core patterns that drove the process i need to be able to face many years of my behaving like a real ass, and go deeper to the source of the patterns and craft something new. the shame is overwhelming. i know i can't be accountable for the toxic insanity of my family, but i become more and more accountable as i age and see examples of functional life. drilling down to the early life toxic patterns involves unbearable journeys through the years on top. on the one hand i was taught to accept the projections of my insane parents and need to repel that, on the other hand i need to face how i participated as i grew and didn't change the course. i'm truly at a loss how to divide up the blame for lack of a better phrase. just visiting this stuff is so destabilizing, but the triggers lead into this pit of life hell that is my foundation. just writing this stuff has me so triggered i'm dissociating badly.
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Re: Assigning blame / accountability / responsibility *TW

Postby khemix » Mon Mar 18, 2013 11:57 pm

centerpath wrote: i'm truly at a loss how to divide up the blame for lack of a better phrase. just visiting this stuff is so destabilizing, but the triggers lead into this pit of life hell that is my foundation. just writing this stuff has me so triggered i'm dissociating badly.

You really believe your BPD is the result of upbringing? And your bipolar too? That you act impulsively, feel empty or drown in an emotional storm because your mother or father didn't validate you in your critical years? That mania and depression would not have existed had your narcissist complimented you once in a while? If so, you are a fool. Environment will not rewire your brain to such an extent. You should redirect your focus. Take it from someone who had "loving" parents that it makes no difference. So don't dwell on useless "what ifs". Accept what you are. Modify where necessary. Don't look for reasons. For your quest is only an opiate distracting you from the conclusion you already know. What you need to learn is acceptance. Be content with who you are. You can't control those feelings. But you can learn to not let those feelings control you.
"I love you because I need you" NOT "I need you because I love you."
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Re: Assigning blame / accountability / responsibility *TW

Postby Ophelia333 » Tue Mar 19, 2013 9:39 am

khemix wrote:You really believe your BPD is the result of upbringing? And your bipolar too? That you act impulsively, feel empty or drown in an emotional storm because your mother or father didn't validate you in your critical years? That mania and depression would not have existed had your narcissist complimented you once in a while? If so, you are a fool.


It's very common for those with BPD to have had invalidating, traumatic and generally downright horrific experiences as a child. Not always of course, but a large percentange of the time. It has to develop somewhere. You don't just wake up one day and contract BPD like some sort of virus.

-- Tue Mar 19, 2013 9:47 am --

littlearcher wrote:i guess i have had to frame things differently because i've found that assigning blame/accountability etc leads me to a negative headspace and i end up getting lost in a lot of very upsetting memories.


This is something i'm struggling with. I'm still pretty angry about some of the things that have happened to me but I can't help assigning blame... I am not responsible for being sexually abused when I was younger, or for my father leaving or any of the other $#%^ things that happened. I'm aware these events have shaped who I am and influence how I react to others and my behaviour patterns in general. I take responsibility for my actions now but I am aware there is some ingrained reason why I do the things I do.
Basically what we have here is a dreamer. Somebody out of touch with reality. When she jumped, she probably thought she'd fly."
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Re: Assigning blame / accountability / responsibility *TW

Postby centerpath » Tue Mar 19, 2013 4:46 pm

Ophelia333 wrote:
khemix wrote:You really believe your BPD is the result of upbringing? If so, you are a fool.


It's very common for those with BPD to have had invalidating, traumatic and generally downright horrific experiences as a child.

Khemix's view has merit, if presented in an invalidation tone his (her?) points stand. For one who indicates a nurturing childhood to judge the struggles involved in others is simply an error of projection we're all capable of.
-- Tue Mar 19, 2013 9:47 am --

littlearcher wrote:assigning blame/accountability etc leads me to a negative headspace


This is something i'm struggling with.


what follows may trigger those who've been abused

Likewise. I think this is nuanced. On it's face blaming is a hollow exercise of projection. It's childish and futile. Searching for accountability is a distinction with some merit. I did not make my brother brutally rape me. I am not responsible for my mother ignoring my pleas to intervene. This matters. The shame and self loathing I carried most of my life from this is a core trigger. I must face my own demons, and that may be a lifetimes work, but I'll be damned if I'll accept the soul burden of their acts. There is such a thing as truth.

The rituals of abuse and sadistic emotional torture that my parents fashioned exist within me, i am the only one that can release them. Knowing that I am not their author is relevant. It allows me to release the shame I feel for not being lovable as a child, as evidenced by their sadism.

I have vivid memories of being held to the ground facing the look of glee and joy in the face of those who were beating me. The pain of the abuse passes quickly, the face of my "caregivers" extracting demonic narcissistic supply from my terror and dissociation is imprinted in my mind forever. Being able to draw a boundary, and call that outside of me "other", and a thing for which i am not responsible is part of my healing. Perhaps afterward can come acceptance, when I no longer carry the burden of feeling shame for their actions.
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Re: Assigning blame / accountability / responsibility *TW

Postby centerpath » Tue Mar 19, 2013 9:38 pm

thank you, yes, as many of us know abuse creates a burden on the abused that is difficult to shed.

i found khemix's devaluation and invalidation triggering of course, which i assume was intended in some gestalt gesture that was well meant and i'll take it as that.

yes. for me searching for release of triggers whose source was very early life, pre-verbal in some cases is to go through layers of the "self" that was in a dark reactive state to get earlier in time to events that setup the patterns. i remember being an obnoxious ten year old that attracted bullies. for me i need to own the persona i presented at that age to overcome it, and be able to go deeper to the early life events at the hands of bullies within the family that helped lead to me behaving in such a way.

in my family abuse was always presented in a shaming and blaming construct. we were abused because of core faults. now i can interpret the underlying message to be that by having needs i and my brothers enraged our adult family members, and we were abused because of how it made them feel. it was expressed to us that we were damaged things deserving of abuse. now i know that to be projection.

so to me the task is releasing the projections by caregivers and not owning them, and owning the obnoxious behavior of the ten year old self. dual paths that are deeply interwoven. to blanket "accept" all of the past, for me, does not sufficiently release the projections.

again, my reason for writing was to ask if this resonates for others. i believe my parents embedded their "sins" in their children with some degree of intent, so that they could externalize their inner self loathing and confront and attack it in us. to my mind shedding those projections requires more than acceptance, it means making myself accountable for my own actions, and refusing to be accountable for the actions of others.

thank you again for writing.
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Re: Assigning blame / accountability / responsibility *TW

Postby centerpath » Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:23 pm

i was fortunate in a way to experience an adult relationship with a narcissist recently that repeated a lot of early life patterns of abuse and projection, and i had the resources to go to ground for a year and live as a hermit to try to heal. the sequence gave me perspective i wouldn't have been able to achieve if i was trying to function in society, and i was in therapy most of the year also. the whole setup allowed me to sit with the pattern and experience some kind of prolonged mourning that was very unpleasant, but has left me largely trigger free compared to the past.

in time i came to be able to see the bipolar patterns distinct from the BPD stuff, which has been helpful in giving reference points for mood.

out of the relative calm that's followed i've identified some very deep triggers that are difficult to understand. intuitively i see or feel them as pre-verbal, very early life or primal. i've been struggling to overcome dissociative amnesia, and somewhere in there, somewhere in the subject of dissociation is the trigger. some wall of shame, some sense of being simultaneously loathed and nurtured as a baby or toddler, like being a doll at a tea party of a petulant child. i think part of what we struggle with that makes BPD hard to heal from is that events which occurred when we were pre-verbal setup thought patterns that don't serve us well, but all of our memories and behaviors live on top of those patterns, so when we look to those it jiggles a lifetime of memories all at once and is overwhelming.

i simply refuse to live this way any longer, refuse to empower sub conscious defenses that shield me from truth of self. i guess i've lost my fear of what's in there, but as i face this truth i wish to only be inwardly accountable for my part. i wish you well on your journey.
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