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Mentally, emotionally stunted

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Mentally, emotionally stunted

Postby letha » Sat Nov 24, 2012 7:50 pm

I'm wondering if anyone here with BPD feels similarly... if this is normal, a part of something else, or just me...

My childhood was unstable, turbulent, neglectful, and sometimes abusive. I often say it wasn't that bad, thinking of the individual experiences, but as a whole... it caused a lot of damage, and I think probably contributed to my behavioral and emotional difficulties, whether it is BPD or not.

I have strange memories from when I was very young, maybe 4 years old... which may have been abuse. So it could have started earlier than I know. In any case, there were definitely traumatizing events from the ages of 7 to 14. And I have always felt somehow trapped at this young age, inside. I feel afraid, and incapable... I don't feel like an adult, I don't feel like I can be responsible, or professional. When I'm hurt, or stressed, or something just reminds me of the past... I feel like I'm 8 years old again, and all I want is some kind of parental figure to comfort me. I don't feel like I'll ever really grow up. Even other people can't believe how old I am... and often I have been treated like a child, despite that I am almost nearing 30.
"I have seen too much, felt too much, loved too much in my life; I come to seek, still living, the calm of Lethe. Lovely place, be for me those banks of oblivion: to forget is my only happiness."
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Re: Mentally, emotionally stunted

Postby Alexander the Great » Sat Nov 24, 2012 8:41 pm

I can kind of relate, but not entirely. I don't think I was abused as a child, but I do have one very very very vague memory of an inappropriate act by a family friend. I don't remember much, it was over before I knew it, and it might even not be true. But I do remember things like where I was standing, what shirt I was wearing, how it felt. I asked my parents about it years later and they said I have too much imagination. So I totally don't know if this happened or not. If it did, I must have taken it the wrong way because in my memory, my parents were there in the same room.

Despite not knowing if this really did happen, or if I just made it up subconsciously, and despite the fact that if it did happen it was not sexual abuse in at all, I do recognise the feeling of being stuck at that age sometimes. Wen it comes to the stress of responsibility, I often feel very helpless. I even feel like it's unfair to expect those responsibilities from me, since nobody wold expect them from an 8-year-old either. I can really act very child-like, and feel like I just want a maternal figure hugging me and holding me and telling me I'm fine.
Always the years between us, Leonard. Always the years, always the love, always the hours.

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Re: Mentally, emotionally stunted

Postby evgoddess » Sat Nov 24, 2012 11:10 pm

I can definitely relate. I wasn't really abused as a kid, but my life has been utter chaos from the time I was 6 years old. There were a lot of events that happened when I was that age that were definitely traumatizing. Just like Alexander, I remember what I was wearing, what the room looked like, what I felt, etc when things happened. I know that most of them happened because it happened in front of family, but they just don't know how traumatized I was by the events going on around me, just how I responded. They figured I was a little kid who didn't know what was going on. It all definitely left painful marks on my life.

I definitely feel helpless, too, in a lot of situations. When people tell me, "Oh, you're in your 20s, you should be doing this by yourself," I get really upset. I also feel like I should not be asked to be doing certain things. I am most definitely stuck being 6 years old in a lot of ways...and that's why a lot of people can't relate to me or think I'm weird. I get really dorky like a kid, but coming from a 20 something year old, that's just not normal. It usually comes out the most when I'm upset though.
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Re: Mentally, emotionally stunted

Postby thebetterhalf » Sat Nov 24, 2012 11:49 pm

I can relate also. i feel as thou the company im supposedly working is treating me like child and smaking my hand like i touched a hot stove. . They talk to me like im a child who doesnt understand what being f---ed over means.
Im 47 yo. I feel the same way. Im a f--in adult and I want to be treated as such.
Nothing worse than when people talk down to you like your a child and not a equal to all

Im also ready for someone to take care of me. I cant keep being the responsible one. I cant do much longer.
Hope you feel better.
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Re: Mentally, emotionally stunted

Postby minotauros » Wed Nov 28, 2012 5:53 am

Trigger warning

Part of me still feels like I'm that small child, cold and empty, wishing he could be in someone's warm embrace. He feels like he needs help and support from someone, yet is afraid.
Live life by the horns, or die wishing you had.
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