I can definitely relate. I wasn't really abused as a kid, but my life has been utter chaos from the time I was 6 years old. There were a lot of events that happened when I was that age that were definitely traumatizing. Just like Alexander, I remember what I was wearing, what the room looked like, what I felt, etc when things happened. I know that most of them happened because it happened in front of family, but they just don't know how traumatized I was by the events going on around me, just how I responded. They figured I was a little kid who didn't know what was going on. It all definitely left painful marks on my life.
I definitely feel helpless, too, in a lot of situations. When people tell me, "Oh, you're in your 20s, you should be doing this by yourself," I get really upset. I also feel like I should not be asked to be doing certain things. I am most definitely stuck being 6 years old in a lot of ways...and that's why a lot of people can't relate to me or think I'm weird. I get really dorky like a kid, but coming from a 20 something year old, that's just not normal. It usually comes out the most when I'm upset though.
But the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to. It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's that it just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore.
And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has. And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know is keeping me alive.
Paramore - Last Hope