I'm wondering if anyone here with BPD feels similarly... if this is normal, a part of something else, or just me...
My childhood was unstable, turbulent, neglectful, and sometimes abusive. I often say it wasn't that bad, thinking of the individual experiences, but as a whole... it caused a lot of damage, and I think probably contributed to my behavioral and emotional difficulties, whether it is BPD or not.
I have strange memories from when I was very young, maybe 4 years old... which may have been abuse. So it could have started earlier than I know. In any case, there were definitely traumatizing events from the ages of 7 to 14. And I have always felt somehow trapped at this young age, inside. I feel afraid, and incapable... I don't feel like an adult, I don't feel like I can be responsible, or professional. When I'm hurt, or stressed, or something just reminds me of the past... I feel like I'm 8 years old again, and all I want is some kind of parental figure to comfort me. I don't feel like I'll ever really grow up. Even other people can't believe how old I am... and often I have been treated like a child, despite that I am almost nearing 30.
"I have seen too much, felt too much, loved too much in my life; I come to seek, still living, the calm of Lethe. Lovely place, be for me those banks of oblivion: to forget is my only happiness."