I recognize myself in everything you wrote.
I think I am ugly, not in the way that i have a big nose or ears or so, but i think its the mix of them all, my fathers eyes, the eyebrows that are long gone, and all the little small things...that together just created a nasty reflection in the mirror. I wear makeup ALL THE TIME. Also when I sleep. I wake up, first thing i do is check the mirror to know what the day will have in store for me. It is almost always a big dissapointment, sometimes a smaller dissapointment which may be corrected if lucky. Every morning, as if i wait for my face to have changed all of the sudden over the night.
I have a very demanding life which had made me come to the very top of all my frustrations. I am a medical student in my last year. I have managed until now in a way i dont understand how it was possible.
I dont know either if i have BDD, because i think i am just ugly, and I try to hide it very well from any person by make up. But it doesnt always work to spend 5 hours per day, sometimes i just remain ugly and there is exhaustion, facial, mental. I dont know what to do, i have reached the end, there is no way out of this. If i was to make surgeries to my face, it will take ages to afford, what am i to do until then? Will surgery even help, I dont even know where i would start? Eye shape? Make my allready normal nose perfect? Since I can look somewheat normal with the right way of make up, I think that some kind of eye re-shaping would benefit me.If the eyes are crap, it doesnt matter the rest.
Make up used to work for me, at least enough times so that i could be showing myself in public, even though i try to hide as much as i can. Now it just doesnt cut it, rarely rarely do the makeup sessions create something relatively normal. And i can go out, by food, and go to classes, just to accidentally look into a mirror somewhere which just turns my world around and makes me depressed and want to run home as soon as possible.
This is very disabling, and inhibits greatly me from having a normal live like i want. People have commented on my make up, that i wear too much, wrong colour etc etc. I hate it and feel ashamed of that too, but if I could choose, Id rather have them speaking bad about my makeup then about how ugly I am.
When I was little, I didnt have thoughts about beauty or ugly, life just happens. And as years pass I realize that i do not look good. I experimented with hair and clothes to make me look better, this was a young age still. I recall a day when I was wearing my makeup for one of the first times... what a difference in peoples approach to me. I looked much better, and guys told me i was pretty for the first time. Since then, I understand how different beautiful people are treated on a normal basis. When I manage to make myself look ok, I notice how people act differently, they act normal. I feel then almost normal, but at the same time sad that it has to be like this. This word is not made for me.
The "bad mirrors", is a common thing for me. I can be relatively ok with how i look in one mirror, but looking into another may show a very ugly person. And when i am in the stores, shopping, looking in my reflection, I hope that what i see will be ok, but it rarely is, and i start to look only down at the ground, wishing i could be home faster.
Psychologists may want to related this ugly-feeling to a deeper personal insecurity, but I really must disagree, at least in my case. I am a very talented woman, on my "good days" i am the most social and fun person, and there is nothing I cannot do, I am VERY good at most sports, smart and intelligent in my studies, inventive, handy, loving and caring of humans and animals, and I think I am really a great person that can accomplish anything. I just wish my face would match all this. I just wish to be looking ok, to be able to fullfill my life. And my lovely boyfriends life.
How shall we go from here? I have seen there are many like me, and even though surgery (in best case) may help, until I can afford that there are many days that i need to get through. Many frustrated exhausted moments, which will make me wish I was dead. Because that what I do wish when everything is bad, I just dont want to do this anymore. I love the outline of my life, the medical degree that just a year away, my fantastic one in a million boyfriend and the wonderful future we can have. But myface doesnt match this...
Why do we have to accept that we look ugly? And even if other people saw me without makeup, and thought i wasnt ugly (which i really doubt), that wouldnt make a difference to me. I am so unsatisfied with the way I was created to look. This look, one look, to live though this one life. It is just not fair.
And why do I feel ashamed of feeling ugly? I dont know, maybe because the world and the human mind is created to love beauty and hate ugly. Push the ugly away.
I think my biggest fear is to loose my fantastic boyfriend because of my problems, or that he will agree with me that i do look ugly without makeup. Or that people will go around saying how can that handsome guy be together with that ugly girl. My boyfriend has during these 4,5 years together never seen me completely without makeup, allthough I have reveled an eye or eyebrow for him once in a while. Not even him saying he prefers me to have less make up, or that he will love me no matter how I look, is it changing the way I feel. I simple will not accept being ugly.
How to go from here?