Can't go anywhere and can't stand being around people

Is there anyone else here who is slowly turning into a recluse, I can't go anywhere. I skipped the first day of a course my parents paid a lot for. I stayed up all night stupidly trying to fix my hair and face to make it look right/ok. But of course it didn't work so i couldn't go. Everyone around me is frustrated with me.

I always disappoint everyone and myself.

What a coincidence, right now I am supposed to be going out the door for my first day of school and im sitting here on a Bdd forum because I know when i get there all i will do is stare at everyone there. I cant stand being around people either its like I cant even concentrate because the only thing in my head is all the people around me are better than me and i look like this. Im so scared to leave right now but I know i will have to and probably come home with my anxiety through the roof. well see what happens but i defenitly understand all the things you mentioned.

Neither can I. Besides BDD, I also suffer from Social Phobia.

My god yes! This is the story of my life. All because of my obsession with how I look and feeling ugly I spend all day in my room on the computer. This disease has completely ruined my life. I am a total recluse now because of it and at 20 I should be enjoying my life, partying and laughing with my friends but I'm not, its the opposite! I was required to withdraw from school because of it and can't return for what would have been my third year of uni this year . I couldn't focus at school, had major fears being on campus and taking the bus which was PACKED through out the school year with university students. My school was filled to the brim with beautiful girls, I'm talking model material here, that made my self-esteem worse then it ever was. I wasted two years at that school and flunked out because of this disorder. I skipped my classes and just like aleezy I was too distracted by all the gorgeous people and feeling inferior and like i don't belong to be able to concentrate and pass my classes. Its even more heartbreaking when there are gorgeous guys all around staring at the beautiful girls like they are some kind of god, making me feel much worse. It really makes you feel invisible and ugly. I can't return to university until this disorder is dealt with once and for all. I take the bus to and from work every day and it is brutal . Every day I am threatened and feel inferior by the pretty girls on the bus or that I see down town when I go for lunch during my breaks. They make me feel worse than ever, just worthless and ugly. It always (and still does) took me FOREVER to fix myself up to go to school and once I got to school I would go straight to the bathroom, lock myself in the stall and check how I look in my pocket mirror and fix my hair/make up. I couldn't even use the bathroom mirror because when the other girls looked in the mirror I would compare myself to them and feel ugly and I also didn't want to seem vain. I would kill to be one of those girls who simply went to the bathroom, came out, washed their hands without even taking a second look in the mirror and taking off knowing that they are pretty and don't have to check themselves out. So don't feel bad, because I took a loan for thousands of dollars to go to school and FLUNKED because of my BDD and Social Anxiety. I am planning on going back next year but am also hoping to get plastic surgery this year, who knows how that will work out tho. But It's something that we can't control and need help with, it is a mental illness and if anything these barriers that stop us from doing what we want will make us more determined to beat this problem.

wow hellsnotsobad, this sounds exactly like me. It so crazy hearing this from other people because when Im going to the bathroom every hour to look at myself and using a pocket mirror constantly, i think wow no one else has to go through this and no one in the room knows how this feels to feel so inferior t other people just based on looks. It just doesnt make sense. Wish i could fix it but i also have hopes for plastic surgery but think that possibly it will make things worse if it doesnt come out how I want. If you do get surgery let e know how you feel as far as BDD because i need to do something about this and if its surgery that will help ill do it. This problem is taking waayyyy too much time out of my life and out of my thoughts. Let me know how it goes.

I am also amazed at how similar I am to you both HellsNotSoBad and aleezylove. For so long now I've done the whole running off to the toilets when I feel particularly ugly, hide in the cubicle and look in the mirror. A lot of the time I do my makeup in the cubicle because I can't stand people watching me do my makeup thinking "Ew why is she even bothering?" or thinking I'm vain. I check myself in the mirror ALL the time. In lessons at school I would open my bag and peer in trying to catch a glimpse of myself, to satisfy myself that I looked okay. Or I would look in the screen of my phone... basically any reflective surface. The weaker the reflection the better, so if I look in a shop window I often am quite happy with my appearance if my hair looks okay since you can't make out my facial features.
In the mornings I spend WAY to long on my makeup and hair. It's not even that I am putting much on, just looking at myself and putting little bits of foundation or eyeliner here and there to try and improve my features. Without eyeliner I basically look hideous for some reason, and the problem with eyeliner is it doesn't stay so I have to constantly reapply it through the day. No morning makeup application is the same. I apply the same stuff but somehow it looks different everytime, or my eyes look hideous. If my eyes look nasty then I basically can't leave the house since I feel they are such an important part of how I look. I never really go out unless I have to... thats not saying I don't want to, I really do a lot of the time. I will get dressed, do my make-up... and just look in the mirror for an hour deciding if I should show this face to the world. Most of the time it ends in me deciding I look too hideous and so I don't go out.

Anyway at the moment I'm 18 and I've just started university, and moved into halls of residence, and the first month was supposed to be the best of my life, but I've ruined it. The very first day I came here was a bad day, I had had my haircut recently and convinced that it made me look even more hideous (whenever there is a change in my appearance it will take me a while to get used to it, mostly as I've already convinced myself it makes me look ugly) so I struggled to talk to people and try to make friends. But for the first few days I actually smiled and laughed and came across quite well to people, however I then had another haircut to try and "fix things" and that was a huge mistake because I had just got used to the previous haircut and this one made me feel 10x more ugly. I didn't go out much after that, despite all the fun parties that were occuring, and ruined any chances of friendship with some of the cool people I met. I have hung out with them a few more times but I've been so consumed with my appearance, fearing they are all thinking I'm ugly, so I've talked very little and come across as completely boring. I'm convinced they all now think I'm a freak because I never go out and just pop up at times and am really boring. Sometimes I've forced myself to go out because I really need to make friends, but it was a big mistake because I just stand around worrying about my appearance, hiding the "bad sides" of my face, trying to get into flattering light etc... I can't concentrate when talking to people and they think I'm moody/don't like them because I don't show any interest in them due to my preoccupation with my looks. For nearly 10 years I've hated smiling with my teeth, I hate how it deforms my face and makes me look hideous. For a while though I've got over this and its amazing how people respond when you freely smile and laugh, they actually like you. But my "smile phobia" has come back, unfortunately if you don't smile and laugh then people don't think you like them or think you are boring, so this is basically what everyone I meet here thinks of me.

I basically never go out during the day (other than for lectures) as I think I look worse in daylight, so nights are my only time really for socializing. Unfortunately the few nights when I am okay with my appearance (At least at the moment I leave the door) I have nowhere really to go because I've neglected to make any real solid friendships in the month I've been here because I never go out with them due to my BDD. I'm scared to go over to their parties, which are literally just a few minutes walk away from my room, because I don't want to walk into a crowded room and they'll all be thinking "Oh it's her, she just turns up when she wants to" or worse "Ew she looks even worse tonight". I'm just so scared, and fed up. I had promised myself that when I started University I would turn it all around, I would not worry about my looks, I would smile and make friends and go out to parties all the time. I can't do this, I can't go to clubs and parties when they're all about how you look. I can't talk to people because my BDD makes me seem so boring it's ridiculous. I can't be myself because I associate myself with this ugly person. I try to act like other people all the time, people who are pretty and fun, but it backfires because it means people have no idea who I am because I'm always changing myself. My BDD/ugliness makes me grumpy, and who wants to make friends with a moody grumpy person? I just want to be happy and fun (but I always prevent myself smiling and laughing as it makes me look uglier), I want to be content with myself and able to relax in social situations. I'm always on edge in social situations, unless I've had a lot to drink, or theres just one or two people who I already know.

If someone compliments me, it will either boost my mood a lot and make me automatically very happy and hyper, or if it's some drunk guy I will assume he thinks I'm some ugly slag who will be an easy pull, and get very depressed. An amazingly cute guy whom I really liked that I met here said I was really pretty and I automatically assumed since he was really drunk that he was just saying the complete opposite of what was true, or he says that to every girl. I've basically blown any chances with him since he must now think I'm socially awkward/weird/boring since everytime he talks to me I feel so ugly. When talking to him (and most other new people) I feel so concious of how I'm standing and if it makes me look awkward/nervous, my facial expression (if it makes me look ugly), the angle at which they are looking at me at, the lighting... there is so many factors I think about whenever I am talking to someone, it makes it impossible for me to relax and appear... normal.

Sorry that was such a long post, I just really needed to get it out. I'm sat here all dressed up for a party, but I just can't bring myself to go. I'm scared that I'm wasting my youth, after all I can only get uglier as I age surely? The best time is when I'm slightly tipsy, but I have a glow about me and I look in the mirror and I look a bit rough but I still feel pretty and happy and good about myself ... why can't I feel like this all the time?

WOW! 0_0
that's exactly how my life is at the moment!
ive missed so many classes at my school because i just stand in the bathroom checking myself in the mirror.
sometimes when i get compliments, i start to act happy and hyper but its only a temporary feeling.
i wish i was happy like that more often

First of all, I'm not a native speaker so I'm sorry if my sentences seem weird and I make mistakes!

When I read your stories it sounded like it came from my head. I haven't been outside for six days because the weather has gotten warmer now and I can't hide my face and body and long coats and big big scarves anymore.

I'm scared to go outside because people will stare at me and even though I'm a minority in a very narrow minded town I'm sure it's because my face is deformed. I spend my last fuc..... penny on the most expensive make up and skincare I can find (online order of course, I couldn't bear to go outside to buy make up, people would have a look at me and think "wtf does this thing even bother? lol she thinks she can ever look like a human, or does she even think she can look like pretty girl?? not with all the plastic surgery and make up in the world". I'm tired of being locked into this room that I will only have for a more few days because I can't afford the rent anymore because I don't have a part time job because I am too ugly to be hired or to be able to go outside.

That's also the reason I don't have friends because who would want to befriend me. And then I try to avoid people at all costs because if I befriend people and they want to do something with me it's so awkward to explain that you can't go outside during daylight because you feel hideous and like an alien. Then people would think I'm looking for attention or that I'm strange or just a lunatic.

Just today I got ready from 7 am till 6 pm to pick up a parcel from the post office. And I just couldn't leave the house, no matter what I did, I couldn't hide the deformities in my face and my midget body. I envy everyone that is happy about summer and looks cute in just anything.

I have put so much make up on and had to redo it 7 times because I was sweating from changing my clothes for hours that I literally had streaks on my face and I looked like a overweight man tried to pass off as a woman but he didn't put any effort in it. So needless to say it's past 6 pm now and the post office has closed and I am sitting here googling wtf is wrong with me and I have found this forum and it's so relatable to me. Reading your stories was kind of a relief to me because I have always been an outsider and to read that someone is going through the same or similar thing like me, makes me not feel like an alien anymore.

I recognize myself in all your posts, this is exactly my life. I barely slept last night cause I knew my hair would look bad this morning, I had a lot of anxiety leaving the house this morning (I have already used all my sick days when I could not go out of the house so I can’t afford to call in sick anymore) and since I got to work 3 hours ago I’ve been constantly thinking about my hair - when it’s really bad like today I don’t go to the bathroom to look at it cause it’s really too painful, and the light in the bathroom really makes me look ugly, but I’m constantly looking at my hair’s reflection and shape in my computer, trying to reassure myself that it’s not so bad – not working so far.

What’s worse is that my office is located just in front of the building’s main elevator and so people just pass in front of my office all day and of course they take a look at me and it’s hell cause I just feel like a monster at the circus that everyone is looking at, thinking how ugly and weird her hair looks . Sometimes I just want to scream at them STOP LOOKING AT ME!!! I know I’m ugly, it’s not my fault!

Somehow my hair determines if I feel pretty or not. I have a very average face, I don’t consider it a beautiful face, it's rather ugly (I have a big nose and some acne scars) but when my hair looks nice I can feel pretty, but when my hair is not good then I feel very ugly to the point I’m ashamed and embarrassed to leave the house, and will only if I really have to (which is basically to go to work). I spend my time cancelling appointments (doctor, dentist, car appointments) or changing plans to go grocery shopping because I just feel too ugly to face people and just end up staying home alone, which is the only place where I feel safe and can relax a little cause nobody can see me. So everything depends on my hair, and everything revolves around it. I can’t even wash my own hair anymore cause it’s just too stressful and painful, I'm chain-smoking all along and just wanting to die (and my dog has become very afraid of the hair dryer cause he knows what kind of crisis can follow – I feel sorry for him ) so now it’s hairdresser twice a week but even when done by him, my hair still manages to look awful most of the time. It’s very stressful, time-consuming and expensive, all to look like crap anyway. I just can’t go on like this anymore. Back in October I bought a very expensive full-lace human hair wig but I just can’t seem to resolve myself to have it styled and wear it. I thought this would maybe solve my problem but at the same time the anxiety is just through the roof when I just think about it – what if it does not look good, what if people can see I have a wig?
There just seems to be no solution to my hair-hell life