Missing work for 5 months from bdd. Need help!

I have been out of work since August because I had a bdd flareup that led me to not call or show up to work. I am a 27 yr old nurse, and just received my degree a year ago. I always promised myself that when I entered my career, I would never miss work or lose my job again from bdd. I am out on medical leave at the moment because my father called the director of my unit to tell her what had taken place. My issue right now is I have a huge problem seeing people after not seeing them over a period of time. I feel as time goes on I look worse and worse. Therefore I always feel people will see me again after some time and think, wow his face is even fatter and he has such bags under his eyes. Especially right now since after being out of work for so long, I never leave the house, binge eat, and drink alcohol excessively so I have gained 15lbs since being out of work. This causes me extreme distress because I KNOW people are going to notice since I am forced to come back to work next week. My boss said come back now or never... I just stopped drinking and started working out to try and shed off at least a couple pounds before coming back. I am 5'8 160 lbs now most of which is fat. I used to be thinner and muscular. Why did I drink so much you ask? It was the only way to keep me from killing myself (with the gun I bought to do so) when I had lost all hope in life. Dont worry, my friend found out about the gun and took it. I still dont have much hope, just a thread. Im really lost and don't know how I am going to be able to pump myself up to walk into work. Once I am in there, it will extremely motivate me to workout because it will be so uncomfortable being around people. I cant even see my friends right now, I feel like a total failure. Any thoughts on how I can motivate myself to actually go to work and not lose my job potentially comitting career suicide? Thanks.

Hi,

Was it ever the case that you didn't enjoy your work?; or are you sure that you enjoyed doing it? Once yuo know that you can enjoy the work, I think that focussing on that would be a good idea - i.e. the job that you go back to isnt' necessarily going to bore you or anger you. In fact, it's a job where yuo can do your best to help people, and I think that's great. You could also see yourself as now 'turning the tide', and that you will no longer go down the dark path that you have been going down. You're doing a complerte u-turn now, in fact, and rebuilding your life in ways that you want to. Perhaps you should write out a list of things that you want to be able to do, and include certain 'rules' that you should adhere to which you know will help you. For example, if you look tired, then make a new rule that you have to be in bed by a certain time each night and then get at least 7 hours sleep. Also tell yourself that you will limit the amount you drink each day/week. If you feel like this is too daunting, then go to a professional now before it's too late..

Kevin

Kevin,

Thank you for the input. Actually I have been in CBT for about 3 months now. I do enjoy my job but at the same time it is very stressful and full off people with "type A" personalities. Your right though, it is a turning point in my life. Whats incredible is the past five days I haven't drank at all, worked out, and started taking Lexapro which is doing wonders for me already. I start work again this week and I feel about 80% confident where as when I wrote that post I was about 20%. I will be sure to repost and let everyone know how its going. Its been such a long and hard road, I am extremely surprised I have made it this far without taking my own life. There is light at the end of the tunnel finally. As for now I am going to just roll with it. Thanks again.

Brian

Brian,

I shall just mention that I also received CBT therapy in conjunction with taking lexapro, and the combination worked very well for me. it dragged me out of the 'quagmire' that I was in, and allowed me to start rebuilding my life. I was on Lexaproo for 4 years in total (varying dosages), but only received the therapy for one year. Best of luck to you my friend. Never be afraid to outline your feelings here. That's what this place's for.

Kevin

Kevin,

That is good to hear. Why did you stop taking Lexapro? Are you on any other medication?

Brian

No no, I just stopped taking it because my doctor and I felt that I was capable of doing so. I am currently taking no medication for a mewntal problem (I have other medication for a chronic illness though).