So, here’s my backstory, I figure this probably sums up where I’m coming from. Sorry about how long it is, but I thought I’d include everything. I've come here hoping to find people with similar experiences, and maybe some ideas on how I can start to become a real, normal person again. (wouldn't that be great!
Long ago, I was a very happy child, and have always had a big smile on my face, which persists today despite how bad I feel on the inside. Back then, I was a genius – at age 6, I was tested to read at an adult level, and my IQ was tested by a psychologist to be 165 a few years later. I could do anything I set my mind to , and all adults loved me. Of course, my peers were an entirely different story. I vividly remember their caustic, vicious remarks, even as I was a tiny little girl with no one to defend me. The other kids all derived such joy from my tears, and after a while, I gave up on the whole making friends thing. I just did not fit in, no matter how hard I tried. My parents were always very supportive, assuring me that everyone else was simply jealous, and that before long, I’d find people like me and friends who adored me. Meekly, I hid with my books and dreamed of a place where I could fit in and be normal. I had no friends for most of elementary school, and when I did, they only lasted until they found someone better to hang out with. While this broke my heart, I figured that there was nothing I could do about it.
Middle school was more of the same, but high school brought changes. Even though I always felt fat and like the ugliest girl at school, guys started to notice me all the time, even told me I was gorgeous. While this confused me and I was certain they were lying, I was thrilled to finally have companionship. I soon ended up with a boyfriend who was in college, and quickly integrated into his group of friends. I cannot tell you how happy I was to finally be with a group of friends who seemed to like me and care about me and do stuff with me. However, the relationship, though it started innocently enough, eventually turned to sexual abuse, even though I didn’t label it that way at the time because I was so blindly loyal to him. After enduring it for months in silence, he dumped me, basically telling me I was too boring and stupid to be worth more than sex to him (sex which I didn’t even want and felt horribly uncomfortable and scared about). His group of friends, my support and source of happiness of over a year, abandoned me when he did. I had no friends at high school, and was still being bullied relentlessly. I felt so ugly, so devoid of any positive characteristics, and so badly used. I became afraid of even leaving the house, knowing that yet again, people would hurt me because I’m just not as good as them. This is when I got my diagnosis of body dysmorphic disorder, although I was too poor to get therapy or it. I almost killed myself that year, and would have succeeded if my mom hadn’t intervened. The fact that my parents loved me was enough to keep me going, no matter how miserable I was. Besides, they assured me, things would change in college – they assured me, only real losers can’t make friends in college!
Well, basically, it turns out that I’m a real loser. I do have an amazing boyfriend now, who is my favorite person in the world and my best friend, but I just can’t seem to make other friends. My roommates were terrible people my freshman year, who bullied me relentlessly because I wasn’t up to their standards. They quickly gossiped about me to the entire dorm with brutal and vicious lies and made sure I could not make friends with anyone. Since then, it has seemed all but impossible to make friends: everyone already has established groups from the dorms or from high school, and even though I talk to lots of people during class, they never ask to hang out, and I’m too scared to ask them to hang out with me (especially since I don’t have a group to join us, it’d sound pretty pathetic!). I eventually give up again, knowing that I’ll get abandoned by them just like everyone else does. I know in the end, I just lack something everyone else has, and so I'll never fit in.
Frankly, I still feel like a worthless mess on the inside. I feel stupid, even though I’m about to graduate magna cum laude in one of the hardest physiology and biophysics programs in the country, and am going to med school in a year. I feel hideously ugly, even though I’ve been asked many times before if I model and have been asked to model too (I’m still pretty certain those people were just making fun of me, though). I want to lose weight, even though my doctor tells me that it’d be ridiculous at my weight to want to be any thinner – why can’t they see the disgusting bulges of fat where I can? I feel too scared to leave the house, even though I know it’s completely irrational. And worst of all, I feel like it’s never going to change. I've spent so long trying to tough this out on my own, but I think at this point, I'm going to finally reach out and ask for the help that I so badly need. Please tell me, what can I do? I want to feel okay about myself and make friends, is it possible?