Hair, hair, hair...my story.

I'm a 19 year old male. My focus is primarily my hair. It's very, very, curly, extremely curly, in fact. When I was younger my hair was straighter, but when I grew up in high school is began to curl uncontrollably. From 9th grade to 11th grade, I had a group of friends that I was very close with. None of us were in a clique and none of us ever felt the need to fit into anything. I wore my hair long and curly and I never really thought twice about it. Girls used to come up to me in school and feel my hair, saying how soft and how nice the natural curls were. In the summer before my senior year, however, my world fell apart. Out of my group of three people, one friend committed suicide and the other got a girlfriend and abandoned me. Suddenly I found myself friendless and isolated. I receded into my bedroom for that summer and listened to music for days. It wasn't until I heard the band "The Who" that my life changed. I already had a very strong liking with 60s music, and I had already been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and some depression (for which I was taking Prozac). When I listened to their music and saw pictures of the band members, the frustration and anger they expressed got through to me, because that's what I was feeling. I already play guitar and music, but I have never had the confidence to do it in front of people. I started dressing in slimmer, more fashionable clothing. One day, I realized I had everything in place to look just like a "mod" from the 1960s, except...my curly hair. I blowdried it down one day into my face, and that was the start of a nightmare. To this day, I want to look like one of them - the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, any of those guys with slim clothing and beatiful straight locks, all forward and flat.

Throughout my senior year of high school, I chemically straightened my hair so many times that it became damaged and even lost its dark, rich brown color. I was never satisfied with why my hair wouldn't be straight like theirs, and why the hair on the right side of my head always looked terrible. I would use flat irons, blowdrying, products, everything. Sometimes I'd put the lye-based chemical straightener in and sit in pain while my scalp burned from the solution, but I endured it because I knew the emotional pain of having curly hair was far worse. This music from the 1960s was/is the only music that ever spoke to me, and it's the only thing I ever wanted to play. I felt like if I didn't have the "look" I wasn't worthy of playing it. During the year, I would often go for weeks on end, sometimes a month, without shampooing my hair (because it dries it out and makes it curlier). When I'd get out of the shower, which I would only condition and do maybe once a week, I would load my hair up with mousse, brush it down into the correct position, and wait anywhere from 4 to 5 hours with wet hair for the mousse to harden completely into rock, where I would brush it out and have artificially looking straightness. Often times I would refrain from going to school because of the way my hair looked. I never got a girlfriend in high school and I was never happy about how I looked.

When I graudated high school I was feeling better about myself, but my hair was so long and damaged at that point that I had no choice but to cut it all off. There came a day where it wouldn't straighten anymore the "right" way, and in depression, I went to the nearest haircut place and had all my hair cut off to a short buzzed length, thinking it would hide the curls. I also, stupidly, stopped taking my medicine because I thought I could "deal with it" after taking it for four years. Soon, my hair started growing back from the roots, and it was curly and frizzed everywhere. For that month, I couldn't stand it, I didn't want to go out, and I had the lowest self esteem I'd ever had up to that point. Why couldn't my hair do the "fashionable" straight styles that all the kids did? Mine just went up, frizzy and horrible, completely unattractive. I was 18 years old at this point. I continued to straighten it with chemicals when it got longer and tirelessly tried to arrange it so that it would be more flat on my head. It got to the point where I didn't even care about the style anymore, I just wanted it to be straight, even if it had to be short, like all the other kids.

I was accepted to UCLA based on my high academic scores and was extremely nervous about moving in. I didn't know how I would be able to deal with my embarrassing hour-long hair fixes with two other guys in my room with me. They were pigs, and it made my OCD and depression even worse. My hair was never right and the public showers in the dorms drove me crazy. There was a mirror by the door right before you walked out of the room, and I can't tell you how many times I would be on my way out and suddenly catch a glimpse of myself, then I'd have to spend time fixing it, and I'd often be late or miss my class and work entirely. Eventually I couldn't take the pressure anymore and I was too embarrassed and depressed to be seen by others. I dropped out of UCLA mid quarter, despite the fact that I had spent four years in high school trying to get straight A's so that I could attend a university. I felt like I'd failed myself. This only fostered my deep self-hatred.

When I returned home, the cycle continued. I hated my hair so much and I continued to straighten it. It would work sometimes and other times it would look terrible again. I would sometimes avoid showering for a week or more because if I got my hair right, the next shower could ruin it and it might not come out correct the next time. I spent $350 at a salon to have my hair "Japanese straightened," which still didn't satisfy me because it just wasn't doing what I wanted. I still couldn't get that "look." And despite the fact that everyone told me it was fine, I have never had a girlfriend because I lack the confidence. I took a trip to visit my grandparents to get my mind off my hair, and I ended up showering once during the entire vacation, which was 10 days long. It was around this point that I initially began to toy around with the idea of suicide, setting certain dates, etc.

Finally, there came a point after being home again for a few months that my hair started to get too long again and it just wouldn't do what I wanted. I had a panic attack and I ripped up my clothing and my mom ultimately agreed to try to do it for me. She ended up blowdrying it perfectly, and I was so happy. I was convinced that it was just a fluke, but I wanted to enjoy my good spirits while it lasted. My hair was straight and it had the style I wanted. Within that 9 day period, I signed up again for community college, applied for jobs, and made money selling things on eBay. My mood/motivation changed completely and I recorded music. I didn't want to shower so badly, because I knew that as soon as I did my hair would come out wrong and I'd have another panic attack. This convinced me: if my hair was straight, every single one of my problems would be gone and I'd be a completely different person. Sure enough, after I couldn't bear being so dirty, I showered, and my mom blowdried it again (keep in mind I'm 19 now and my mom attempted to style my hair because I gave up). It didn't come out the way I wanted it to, and I had a complete nervous breakdown. Sometimes I'd spend hours just crying. Every time I showered I would shower 3 to 4 times until it would be right, and if it didn't come out right, I would feel like I was trapped in my own body. It's so frustrating, having to spend six hours getting in and out of the shower, putting in product after product.

Now, my life is worse than ever. I was forced to cut my hair shorter again, and I have blowdried it straighter so it won't curl up at that length. I'm worried that I'm a time bomb, and that as soon as the old straigtened hair grows out, the new hair will come in even curlier and I'll have another breakdown. I don't have any motivation to do anything and all I can think about is nonexistance, how nice it would be if I didn't have to live in this life anymore. I'm waiting for the process to repeat itself, it seems like there's no way out of it. I HATE curly hair, and even when I see pictures of other people with wavy styles, I always say "my hair isn't like that, it's curlier" or "it's a different texture, wouldn't work on me." When I finally got my haircut, I came home with it curly on top and everyone said it was fantastic. I couldn't stop looking at the mirror though, and I had to shower immediately and blowdry it straight into a neat parted style. This isn't the first time this has happened. In the past, the sight of wavy/curly hairs on my head makes me nauseous. My hair is incredibly thick. In the past, there have been times where I'd be lying on my pillow and I simply could not sleep. I would stay awake, extremely depressed and I would "feel" the curls against the pillow. I'd have to get up at 3 AM and go into the bathroom to flat iron it straight, just so I could breathe a sigh of relief and get to bed. I just don't see how curly hair can be attractive. On other guys it looks good sometimes, but to me the only time I ever look good is with straight hair. Sometimes I'd spend hours scrutinizing photos of myself with curly hair, pointing out each little ugly flaw and how bad it made me look.

Now, my hair is still short from the recent cut. I take 75mg Zoloft but nothing seems to work. I'm still more depressed than I've ever been, and I just wish everything could go away and I didn't have to live any more. I can't sleep, I get 3 hours sometimes after falling asleep at 4 AM. I don't eat, I have no appetite and I get sick when I eat, so I've lost about 15 pounds. I'm 5'8" and I weigh 125 pounds. I get no joy from life or any activities anymore, and when I go in public all I can look at is other people's hair, and my envy of it. I just sort of "exist" in a state of never awake but not asleep, and looking back, I feel even worse knowing how much this condition has ruined my life. What makes it worse is, people just can't understand why I care so much about my hair, and they often think I'm doing it intentionally. For example, sometimes my mom thinks I just seek attention, or kids call me lazy or hasty for dropping out of school. People often get mad at me because I can't get ready to go or I don't want to go out, or I won't stop talking about hair, and it just makes me feel even worse. I threw away a chance at a university and four years of tireless work. I feel like I've screwed up too much already, and the future shows no hope - I want it to all be over, so badly. I am at my rope's end, I don't know what to do.

This condition is completely debilitating, and it has controlled and ruined my life. I feel like I'm trapped in my own body. I can't stand the sight of myself. I truly do hate myself, as I want to be a musician so badly but I lack the confidence because of my hair. It literally determines my mood in full - and I feel worse about it because the only person stopping me from achieving my dreams is myself. This only furthers my extreme self-loathing. I don't know why I took the time to write this. Even if it doesn't get read, I just had to get it out. Oh well.

Hi, njm89! This must be really though for you. At least you can get some meds for your problem, so maybe you will find the ones that will work. Are you talking with a therapist? All this is caused by a mental illness, not by the way you are. Try to remind yourself that you have to fight this condition. Can you talk to your doc about trying different meds?
Your life is not over. There have been times when you have felt better than you do now and it can get better again. People go through rough times and then something changes and they find hope.
I'm sorry no one around you seems to understand. I don't have this condition but I know what it's like to feel isolated and alone.

hey!

i'm so sorry all this has happened to you, it must be really hard, and i don't think you're just doing it to get attention or whatever, it's obviously very real to you!

how do you feel when you have no hair at all? if you perhaps don't feel too bad because there are no curls maybe you should consider always having your hair cut to like a number one or something? i know you want straight hair so bad, but if having no hair makes you feel better than curls, perhaps consider it as an option for now?

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Njm, please don't let this illness beat you. You can get healthier and feel even better than you did before. Can you look for some treatment?
Are you planning anything?

Hello njm89,
I read your letter with great interest; mainly because it sounds like something I could have written a few years ago. As you can probably guess from my user name, I'm from Connecticut. Five years ago I got accepted to several colleges, most in New England and a couple in the west. Thinking that I was ready to get out of cold, slow-paced, and "un-hip" New England, I accepted admission to UC Santa Barbara. So, at the ripe old age of 20 I said goodbye to family, friends, April snowstorms, and followed the sun to the Pacific. I was mainly hoping though to run away from myself.

A little background information will reveal that my dad is Italian-American and my mom is Greek-American. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I’d end up with a mass of dark curly hair and an olive-hued complexion. In junior high the girls loved to play with my hair and would comment how "cute" my curls were. In her thick Boston accent, one female teacher I had in high school told me "You and some Italian girl are going make some really cute curly top babies!" To set the record straight, I'm average looking, certainly not model quality, but not unattractive. However, I have never really felt attractive beyond the "cuteness" factor, particularly with my extremely curly hair (and I mean extremely). It seemed to me that most of the guys in high had straight (or, wavy) hair and were able to wear it in more fashionable styles. To me, their hair styles were much more likely to catch the eye of the popular females on campus than mine. On one specific occasion I remember four guys from my high school performing in their rock band during lunchtime. The two guitar players and the drummer were all shaking their long, straight, shaggy manes getting all the attention. But the chubby, curly haired bass player, however, sort of just hid in the background as if knowing that none of the girly screams from the crowd were for him. This confirmed my beliefs that curly hair definitely didn't cut it, at least with the girls. Thus began my hair obsession.

Anyway, I took this negative image of myself to UC Santa Barbara with me. Within three weeks
of classes starting, my self-loathing fired up again – all based on my hair. All I could do was compare my hair that with that of the other guys on campus and around the town of Santa Barbara. They all seemed so confident in themselves. I attributed it to their hair. I became more and more withdrawn and self conscious. Every time I saw a guy with curly hair I found some reason to justify why he was goofy looking. I couldn't walk passed a mirror without looking. It would suck me in. And, when I looked at myself, I didn't see what I wanted. I started missing classes because I'd spend hours trying to control my curls. Ultimately I dropped out of UC Santa Barbara (much to the disappointment of my parents back in Connecticut) and went to live with my cousin and his family in L.A. (about an hour south of S.B.) In addition to already being depressed from dropping out of college, I was now in L.A., where you are rated on your physical attractiveness, hair no exception. Seeing people all over L.A. everyone looked like they could have landed a role on Baywatch! After three months at my relative’s home, I found myself sleeping in later and later, not going out of their house other than pretending to look for a job. After a while, my aunt called my parents and told them “Your son needs to go back to Connecticut. He’s depressed beyond belief and is not contributing financially or emotionally to this family.”

Going back to Connecticut was the best thing I could have done. First off I realized that what you look like in Connecticut (and probably almost everywhere else outside of California) doesn’t really matter. I started noticing that everyone was (for lack of a better, nicer term) so plain looking! I actually started noticing guys who had hair like mine! And remember that bass player I mentioned? He actually started a new band where he’s the lead singer, curly hair and all! Best of all though is that I learned to accept myself. I had begun therapy and medication and learned to embrace my curly hair by not fighting it. Currently it is long and very curly and looks striking similar to Nick Jonas’ (Jonas Brothers fame). Finally, I am attending a small college in southern Massachusetts and I have a steady girlfriend of two years now! Needless to say, she loves running her fingers through my hair. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she has intentions of “making some nice little curly top babies!”

So, njm89, if I overcame my private little hell over my hair, why am I on a BDD web forum? I have been clean and sober from BDD for well over two years now. Out of shear curiosity my girlfriend and I decided to check online to see if there were other people like me. Sure enough, he we are. It will take a while, lots of work, very bad days where you feel you just can’t deal anymore, but you will get better. Self acceptance, as hard as it seems, is the key. Look into styles that emphasize your curly hair. You will find that the more you accept it and yourself, the more people will like you.

You know if curly hair isn't what you want, you could get a hair piece. A full cap one from hollywoodlace.com or toplace.com or hairdirect.com can be ordered however you like. It's real hair, looks real if you follow the directions people will give you on the sites and on the toplace.com forum.

You can order perfectly straight thick hair all over. You can order whatever style you want. Get a full cap hair piece and you won't have any curly bits at all.

You will have to shave your head to the scalp and then attach the hair. It sounds worse then it is. But you can just tape the hair to your scalp, glue the front hair line down, and it will look like the hair you've always wanted. You can swim with it on, you can run, do weights, whatever, it will not come off if attached properly.

Requires a bit of maintenance that some people aren't prepared to do. But for a sufferer of BDD an hour in front of the mirror once a week isn't the worst thing in the world haha. Especially considering most of us spend hours and hours every single day staring into the mirror.

And if you ever get caught out by someone finding out it's a wig, you don't even have to worry, cause hey, you have perfectly thick hair underneath. You aren't bald at all. Just say it's a style thing that you like, and it's way easier for you to get the style you want this way rather than trying to straighten and style your own hair.

But with that said it's very very hard to detect a good wig. Check out the hairdirect.com videos before making a decision. It really may solve your problem.

My hair drives me up the bloody wall too, what's left of it, it's curly, frizzy and completely out of control, and trying to now cover up balding spots is a bloody nightmare, it makes me feel like a right nob, it was great when i was a kid, but as soon as i hit puberty it was like"sh*t whats happened to my hair", i've tried shaving it really short but then i just feel like a right ugly git, AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!
I look at my friends hair and how he just puts water on it to style it in 2 seconds, i dare'nt go near water or wind or snow or bloody anything once i've managed to do something with it, so yeah guys i know exactly how you feel.

I'm so sorry you guys are so frustrated with your hair! I sympathize completely, having gone through years of hating my hair, and luckily overcoming it. I've always had naturally very curly hair, when I was younger it was so curly it would spiral into tubes if I didn't constantly run my fingers through it. Up until around college I really hated my hair, I constantly tried different things to change it: straighten, restyle, color, cut, everything. I cut it all completely off a couple times less than 2" long. I don't really know what happened, but eventually after high school I began worrying less about it, and it stopped being one of my main BDD focus points. Now I like my hair a lot, even though my hair itself hasn't changed. There are days where it drives me crazy and I feel bothered by it, but they're not very often. My only consolation I can give you guys is that I know now even when I was hating my hair, almost everyone around me was envious and wishing they had hair like mine! And for the record, I love curly hair on guys! It might not be the most commonly seen style on some guys, but I think it looks best! If I had to pick the two guys I'm most attracted to, I'd choose Angus Young of AC/DC and Jack White of the White Stripes (yes, I'm mad into music) and Jack is a wavy dude, and Angus had wicked curly hair when he was younger. It's thinner and shorter now but he's still totally adorable!

I'm sending lots of good thoughts out there to you guys!

hello. thank you for your story, it was well written and brave. i am responding because i would like to help and because i you touched me.

i want to say that i hated my hair as a way of dealing with the hate i had for my mother. as a child i was unable to deal with hating her so i turned that hate into hate of my hair. i stored trauma in my hair - any time i hated her i would say to myself, "put it in your hair"; this was a coping mechanism that got me through. now, of course, as an adult who is in charge of my own life and behaviour, i no longer need to hate my hair because the trauma is now in the past, and so is my mother and my childhood.

hair hate and maybe any other kind of dysmorphia is an intelligent response to something at the time; to what, is up to each of us to understand. the point is, we are dealing with something beyond us, at the time, and we choose to place what we are at a loss to comprehend, what cannot be dealt with at the time, in a place where we will know where it is. it is there to remind us that something is/was wrong, and we put it there. the mind cannot abide chaos and has to put things it cannot comprehend or deal with somewhere. i could not comprehend my traumatic childhood, my mother's hate for me; i put that trauma of incomprehension and hate into my hair.

hair hate is a habit, like smoking, addictive and damaging. it is also a way of coping with loss, pain, trauma, lack of love, incomprehension. it can be overcome, like smoking, given-up, no longer engaged in. it is a deeply painful condition that we ourselves fuel. when there is no longer a reason to fuel hate addiction we will stop doing it. it is a choice to hate your hair - a very painful, once necessary choice; a choice, nevertheless.

i no longer hate my hair because i understand why i was doing it and it has become something i no longer wish to do. i wish to be healthy. i will accept the illnesses i have survived and i will maintain my hair with a haircut every six weeks and i will fight for my healthy lifestyle of yoga, meditation, healthy eating, exercise and anything else healthy i can do as i live and grow.

you really inspired me. it was painful to read your ways of dealing with your internalised hate and uplifting to hear your courage. that you carry on so afflicted is to your credit.