Random Blog Entry
almost like a test by unity1 on Tue Sep 13, 2011 11:31 am
ok, so im trying something new....i havent had a drink in the day for a while...but today i have had one...and am now having another...i hope this is not a test that will go wrong
It sounds really stuped saying a test coz thats not how i was thinking about it until i decided to write this blog..
I seem never to remember or understand why i do certain things because i literally forget... so im tracking it....why i am choosing to have a drink....coz i know that is what it is...a choice...
Ok, so, heres what i wrote on a scrap of paper earlier and then i wanna write some more...
'ok, so im not sure if im gonna have this one small drink...the reasons why -
I feel better (different) today in comparrison to these last days...i think???...i could be dancing around tidying up to my music - then my mind overtakes trying to work out how i feel...i cant work it out - its just changing back and forth to how i THINK i feel...one minute i think i should be or am happy, then depressed, hyper, etc etc...then back around them all again..
If i have a drink my feelings will be more concrete and stable - even if not the right emotion hopefully it will just be one...im sick of not knowing how i feel or trying to feel a certain way
Having one drink now.....'
Ok so i wrote that half hour ago, now i have drink number 2...and this is where it stops today...
I now have drink number 2 as drink number 1 has seriously almost stablised my mind to....mmm..still not sure what, but it is as it is and it is not skipping all over the place trying to find where i belong today - i think it feels cool...better anyhow...more stable
Before i had the first drink i was imaging and almost about to self harm...not cutting but i just wanted to dig my nails as far into my stomach as possible and just pull at me...just coz i wanted to feel something...hurt myself??? maybe...still confused...but only when i keep thinking about that...
I guess now i can concentrate at the fact that i have had a drink and how i shouldnt have....
It has given me some sort of feeling that i understand...at least for a while.
2 Comments Viewed 5523 times
Registered users: 1wiserman, 5020, alli8712, Aloe vera, Artemiss, Auxiliary11, Avruk, Baidu [Spider], BenqBak, BiB, Bing [Bot], brokenscorpio, Casper, CopperFox, CrackedGirl, creative_nothing, dibita, Echinacea, Edgeless, electricbipolar, Empire, Enlagunpe, Exabot [Bot], floralgiraffes, fluke30, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, gratteciel, IMadeYouReadThis, It's never enough, jabberwocky, JadeRain, jeepingcons, jkxxster, lovingpegasister, lungfish, Maja1, Maligan12, Marcus555, Mentally ILL, mike0fg, MJH2013, MSN [Bot], NewSunRising, NimplyDinply, nottheroyalwe, otrivine, Partial, PhoofyBunny, Pllagunpe, PonyLeeRiot, promenade11, Quoozie, realityhere, RedSoviet, Rocky71, Sarastotle, seabreezeblue, Seangel, shadowflare, Shattered Mind, solemn versifier, solstice1962, teardrop_, Tettrabyte, TheLongStruggle, Truth too late, Tyler77, wonderlisa, xdude, YaCy [Bot], Yahoo [Bot]