Random Blog Entry
Thinking about what I used to want... by ambivalence on Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:25 am
I don't remember very much of my childhood, or rather the person I was as a child. There is definitely a disconnect from then and now. One thing I do know is that my time spent daydreaming and fantasizing about my future are some of my happiest memories. I can recall what I wanted in those moments, even though I was never sure about the finer details and the road I had to follow. I always had the one concrete thing present no matter what.
I wanted to be a mother.
To me it was my destiny, it didn't matter what job I had or where I lived, I just knew that the thing that would fulfill me was holding my own child in my arms. The unconditional love, the person who relied solely on you for love and care. They would make you a better person just by living. That's what I yearned for more than anything.
I guess you can't blame me, I was naive and full of hope back then. I didn't know the break was coming because I had forgotten there was even a crack in me. I still have trouble understanding how I lived, it wasn't strength or courage that kept me going. I know now that it was pure ignorance.
I kept myself safe living in a fog, I should have known that it would have crept up on me eventually. Everything is drastically altered now, something fell away and I was swallowed by the darkness-- the reality.
So when I think about being a mother now, I don't feel the way I did before. I ache thinking about how nice it was trapped within the illusion that having a child would fulfill me. Having a child would not mean my salvation, it would be a tragedy. I couldn't live with myself if I brought an innocent child into the world. Inside of me is this diseased and rotten core, along with my physical imperfections I would be sure to infect my child as well. If they weren't affected merely by sharing my DNA, having me as a parent would ruin them. Children are so fragile, when I am around them I am fearful because I know their purity and innocence will be tarnished. I can't be the one to take that from someone. It would be my most selfish act.
I adopt the defences to make sure I don't fall back into the illusion. It works the same way I shield myself from being hurt by letting someone in. Just tell yourself you don't want those things, mould yourself into a person who is indifferent and inconvenienced by having those things. Who wants the responsibility of a child? Who wants to be tied down by marriage and the emotional games people play with each other? Who cares that maybe you are only depriving yourself of these things because the darkness within you wants to see you suffer. Maybe it knows that these things could be the ones that plant doubt about it in your mind, or purge it from you entirely.
Or maybe you just want to surrender to it because you spent 15 years fighting to pretend it wasn't there.
1 Comment Viewed 5257 times
Registered users: Aquanova123, Artninja1995, Baidu [Spider], bertb, Bing [Bot], Cadence-sings-cats, CJC1992, confusedgirl123, courtinblue, Exabot [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, IainEtc, jabberwocky, Joanna15, jody, John1982, johnnysmith, justwanthelp, Kimberly, kyoka, lagu2653, Lenny Sanchez, Majestic-12 [Bot], Maletube, messiahchatterbox, Milktea, MSNbot Media, Oliveira, Philonoe, Salama, seabreezeblue, Snaga, Terry E., TheCollector, True Behind Lunatic, Vi23, xdude, Yahoo [Bot]