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something wicked this way comes by Foot on Tue Mar 26, 2013 2:50 am
the fear is a horror film type of terror. i am scared of her in the same way that one would be scared of a serial killer hunting them through a dark woods.
or perhaps that's just projection.
i got out of the bath today, dried myself off, and lay on my bed, hoping an asteroid would strike me before i had to get up and put on pants. after a while my mind drifted off to unknown places and i noticed that i wasn't thinking about her. for that moment, before thinking about not thinking about her turned into thinking about her, i didn't have a headache, my skin didn't crawl with the feeling so many cutters know too well, and i wasn't nauseous. isn't this how one's neutral state should feel? it's not euphoric, but it's devoid of crushing physical and emotional pain. one's neutral state should not feel like the flu.
but that's how i feel most of the time. and why? because of some girl i don't even know, have never even met, and never will meet. i have a very serious attachment disorder coupled with a deep limerent obsession, topped off with a personality organized at a borderline level (i.e. i split self and others like a mother). mix it together and sprinkle in very real romantic attention from a high-profile celebrity and, voila, living nightmare.
how many years ago was it that i tried to nip it in the bud? it's approaching almost 4 years now. 4 years of true hell, most of which i've kept for myself; no one i know even knows about it, even though it composes nearly every one of my thoughts. she was attracted to some writing i was doing, ostensibly about her. i actually didn't care who she was and barely knew who she was; i was just writing fiction and using her as a symbol. her physical features and public persona were right for the "part." (to be honest i was also subtly mocking her.)
but she took the writings as genuine expressions of attraction and tribute, and ultimately, through a lot of mental machinations which aren't really important, i found myself hopelessly attached to an idealized image of her.
i screwed up plenty of times along the way. i can admit that, though i'm not completely sure i believe it. my first mistake, as i started to allude to previously, was not nipping it in the bud when i felt the first euphoric swoons of obsession. unfortunately, the obsessions often build subtly and imperceptibly. that's not always the case. my very first of these (my current obsession is my 8th cycle) occurred instantly. a girl i knew in high school complimented my athletic ability while thinking i was out of earshot. i heard it though, and when i did my mind went haywire. i was manic the rest of the day. the comment triggered a huge dopamine blast that my mind spent the next 5 years trying to replicate.
this is actually the mechanism of the obsession, or at least some obsessions. low serotonin levels (depression) plus an excess of dopamine (from an incident like i described) creates a negative feedback loop that engenders the obsessive thinking. like a drug addict craving his next fix, the mind, normally in a depressive state, tries to ameliorate that pain with the dopamine rush it experienced. and so it thinks about the thing that caused it in the first place. this is why limerents do so much ruminating about their objects: they're looking for behavioral clues to suggest interest on the object's part, since the idea of requited affection is euphoria-inducing. this dopamine high then reduces serotonin levels and the cycle repeats. (or something like that.)
my situation was set up perfectly to exploit this mechanism. see, she and i were separated (uncertainty -- a necessary facet of limerence) and only communicated through indirect writings, most of them cryptic. we communicated through things like Twitter, where there was a tremendous amount open to interpretation. the result was that my brain went into overdrive and ultimately went crazy. "is this celebrity sending me cryptic...
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