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almost like a test by unity1 on Tue Sep 13, 2011 11:31 am
ok, so im trying something new....i havent had a drink in the day for a while...but today i have had one...and am now having another...i hope this is not a test that will go wrong

It sounds really stuped saying a test coz thats not how i was thinking about it until i decided to write this blog..

I seem never to remember or understand why i do certain things because i literally forget... so im tracking it....why i am choosing to have a drink....coz i know that is what it is...a choice...

Ok, so, heres what i wrote on a scrap of paper earlier and then i wanna write some more...

'ok, so im not sure if im gonna have this one small drink...the reasons why -
I feel better (different) today in comparrison to these last days...i think???...i could be dancing around tidying up to my music - then my mind overtakes trying to work out how i feel...i cant work it out - its just changing back and forth to how i THINK i feel...one minute i think i should be or am happy, then depressed, hyper, etc etc...then back around them all again..

If i have a drink my feelings will be more concrete and stable - even if not the right emotion hopefully it will just be one...im sick of not knowing how i feel or trying to feel a certain way

Having one drink now.....'


Ok so i wrote that half hour ago, now i have drink number 2...and this is where it stops today...

I now have drink number 2 as drink number 1 has seriously almost stablised my mind to....mmm..still not sure what, but it is as it is and it is not skipping all over the place trying to find where i belong today - i think it feels cool...better anyhow...more stable

Before i had the first drink i was imaging and almost about to self harm...not cutting but i just wanted to dig my nails as far into my stomach as possible and just pull at me...just coz i wanted to feel something...hurt myself??? maybe...still confused...but only when i keep thinking about that...

I guess now i can concentrate at the fact that i have had a drink and how i shouldnt have....

It has given me some sort of feeling that i understand...at least for a while.

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