Random Blog Entry
Useless by pixi3 on Sat Jun 13, 2015 8:21 am
I have been misusing pain meds and antihistamines lately. Get the feeling I might be getting a bit dependent on the codeine. But now I've run out of the painkillers and feel crappy and I'm worried about trying to get more in such a short period. These things are monitored even though its otc stuff it gets logged against your name and address.
Been a bit better on the eating thing, but only because I've had no choice. Only really eat when I'm being watched. Boyfriend is getting suspicious. I don't want an ED label, or any label really, and yet I realise that my thought processes around eating are not good, but I can't seem to stop them. It's possibly the control involved that makes me feel better about myself somehow.
Yesterday we went to the movies and I thought great, we can share popcorn and that way he won't know how much or rather little I have. And I can get out of dinner. But then there was chocolate and I had too much of that and the popcorn and now I'm feeling crappy and fat and want to cut. Its every second thought that goes through my head. These urges had subsided the past few days but now they're back with a vengeance. Idiot.
Been feeling unattractive. The boyfriend is showing no interest. I don't know what I'd do even if he did.
All my problems are self made. Probably for that reason that I feel like I shouldn't be posting. Like its disrespectful somehow. It's why half the things I write never make it out. I feel useless.
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