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youneverknow
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Doing Well But Had Some Urges Last Week
   Sat Oct 18, 2014 9:35 pm

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Doing Well But Had Some Urges Last Week

Permanent Linkby youneverknow on Sat Oct 18, 2014 9:35 pm

The weirdest thing this week is that I've thought about gambling. I mean thought about going out to gamble. And I don't know why.

It's been over 2 years and 7 months since my last bet and don't worry, I plan to keep it going, but for some reason that I can't figure out, I've had serious thoughts about gambling again.

I've gone over the last month and nothing out of the ordinary has occurred. Work is a little stressful, but not too terrible. So I'm at a loss.

Maybe I'm at some milestone in quitting that I'm unaware of. At this point it really doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that I've said 'Today I will not gamble. Never again.' and MEANT it.

I don't mean to depress anyone shooting for their own long term journey. It doesn't necessarily mean you'll get hit with urges too at such a great length of time. But if it helps, I can tell you that the battle doesn't even compare to when I was at 2 weeks. The urges are a LOT less intense as well.

I'm not stressing over the urges themselves but over the unknown cause(s).

Oh well, maybe I'll discover it, maybe not, but at least I can say I'm STILL gambling-free and life is still great.

It's been awhile since I posted so I thought if ever there was a week to log back in and blog, it's this one. :-) And you know what? I'm glad I'm only writing about urges and not slips. I'm still winning this battle and that's all I ever wanted so I won't complain any more. In fact I'm going to wallow in the unbelievable fact that I am more than half way through my THIRD year of being free from gambling!!! WOO HOO!

I hope everyone's fighting the good fight too and finding their own successes. After all, we all have the same goal... to just get through today. And we're doing it!!! All the best to anyone reading this.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

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2 Years, 5 Months Clean

Permanent Linkby youneverknow on Sat Aug 16, 2014 6:25 am

And the best part? I had to calculate where I was. I knew I was half wayish through my 3rd year, but the counting obsessively is over. I don't care anymore about numbers or dates, just the fact that I'm through with the agony of a day to day addiction.

These days I don't do very much blogging. I don't need it as much as I did. I don't think about gambling like I used to, either. In fact, the only time it enters my mind is when someone else is talking about it. Or I'm reading posts in this forum. Or I see commercials. Or in my junkmail folder. Or I drive by a Casino. Or I get offers in the mail.

So yeah, I think about it. :-) BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!

All joking aside, there's a lot of truth in what I just wrote. It's everywhere. But it's not in me. MY thoughts are no longer about gambling, MY thoughts are about living again. And I like that. Somehow, with time, I've managed to come home to who I've always been. But now that I'm back to (somewhat) normal I can see how insidious the gambling industry is. And it IS an industry. A HUGE one.

And the simple truth is, it couldn't BE a huge industry if any of us ever won.

Don't misunderstand me. I realize we all can 'win', but nobody really does. It's more a short term loan than a 'win' really. We ALWAYS give it back (and then some) and they know that. It's actually THEIR win instead of ours, because they use your 'win' to inspire other gamblers to keep trying - why do you think there are lights and bells whenever someone wins at a machine at the casino? It's not because they like giving money away. It's to keep the rest of the gamblers feeding their machines... after all THEIR turn is right around the corner. And the best part (for the casino)? You'll gamble that 'win' right back into their pockets in the meantime. EVERY. TIME.

I know because I did. I couldn't stop. I just kept putting it all back in along with money I'd earned the honest way, until I was borrowing and running up my cards. And every time I 'won' it reinforced how right I was to gamble. But each time, my debt got bigger. BIGGER. So you tell me. How did I 'win' anything?

I finally scored huge by simply acknowledging that I wasn't winning and I never had & quit for good. I'm 2 years and 5 months and some days clean and free. I've never been prouder of anything in my life as I am that I beat this thing. Damned proud. And even more, I'm grateful.

I know I'm not in the clear. This addiction is in remission, it's not cured. I could relapse - it happens - but I think as long as I don't forget that fact, I have a very good chance of staying clean and free. That's my goal. And I think I can do it, so long as I always remember...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

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Government Advertising: Know Your Enemy

Permanent Linkby youneverknow on Sat Jun 28, 2014 2:02 pm

It's been awhile since I last blogged. That's a good thing.

I've transitioned from fighting the fight to living the life and it's been fantastic. I don't really think about gambling at all anymore. Except maybe when there are commercials on TV, billboards, e-mail, internet... :-)

All joking aside, I can now see with clear eyes that the push of these gambling places is beyond incredible. I thought fighting the pull was tough, but now I realize it's not JUST our addiction that makes it so hard to quit - it's the whole bloody world out there. It's a serious social problem that no one but us are talking about.

I liken it to cigarettes back when they were advertised with Doctor's 'recommending' brands on TV. Now, it's gambling that's being marketed deceitfully. They try to pass it off as a great social entertainment and excuse themselves with lighting fast disclaimers like "Use your game sense" or "Know your limit". Why not just say something equally stupid like, "When drowning, please get out of the pool" or "Please pace your devastating losses responsibly"? If it wasn't so evil, it would be funny. And it IS evil. So why is it allowed?

Because the people who SHOULD make laws protecting us are the people making a killing off of us - our governments.

They KNOW that the right push at the right time will substantially increase their revenues. And the bottom line is, was, and always will be their revenues. It will never be our well being. Never.

I remember the first time I went into a Casino (before I fell prey to the addiction). I'm not a stupid man, and I stood in awe of the sheer size & flash of the place and the lights and sounds and the flurry of human activity (later on I came to realize it was more the flurry of automatons, but back then I was naive) and I thought 'There's only one way they can afford all of this - gambling losses'. I think I spent about 50.00 that night and walked away even.

If only I'd stayed away I could have saved myself the agony that followed. If only I'd never won big, I'd have never thought 'This is like free money!' That's how they got me. I fell in love with gambling that first big win - which was about $3,000.00 - followed the next night with another big win, followed by years of addiction, loss, panic, stress, debt, and tears.

But I didn't.

I could have, back then. But you know what prevented me? Advertising. Timely reminders of the 'fun' I was missing. And it WAS fun. Just like a great roller coaster ride that whips you around and speeds you up and down through wild gyrations. Only THIS roller coaster always ends the same way, running right into a brick wall.

And I guess that's my point. If we're going to allow them to advertise the roller coaster, we should DEMAND they give equal time to the fact that it ends by running into a brick wall. Seriously. Right now they're throwing in a tiny disclaimer at the very end, "Jump out of car before ride ends" or "Always avoid brick walls". They don't even have to address the fact that it's a fundamental part of the ride as though the roller coaster is their responsibility and the brick wall is ours!!

The bottom line is advertising gambling should and must become illegal. I'll bet for 1 person who acknowledges their gambling addiction, there are 1,000 who don't see it yet.

Yet.

Mark my words. Gambling addiction is going to become a HUGE social problem that can no longer be hidden in the next few years as the ranks of people whose lives have been ruined swell to un-ignorable numbers. Then should come the lawsuits - just like the cigarette industry. But that won't happen this time because the governments all over the world own the Casinos and they're better than taxes. They'll just pass laws protecting their 'right' to destroy us through gambling by being immune from lawsuits.

So what can you do?

Stop....

[ Continued ]

1 Comment Viewed 6004 times

2 Years, 2 Months Of Peace

Permanent Linkby youneverknow on Sat May 03, 2014 9:51 pm

Sometimes I can't believe I actually went through what I went through with this addiction. It's been so long since I've been frantic and desperate and aching for another bet, that calm & happy are my new 'norm'.

It's fantastic. But whenever I get a thought about how much fun I had gambling - and I HAVE had those thoughts - I realize that the 'itch' is never going to be dead. I will always be a recovering addict. Considering the alternative, I most definitely can live with that.

You see, the difference between now and 2 years, 2 months ago is that the thoughts aren't aching, irresistible cravings that drive me insane. They're JUST thoughts and I banish them easily by reminding myself what all that 'fun' did to me and my life. Problem solved.

A few days ago I re-read some of my blogs and I'd forgotten that I used to get the urge to gamble so bad that I had to lay my head down on my table and just breathe in and out, chanting 'Today I will not gamble. Never again.' But reading about it brought it all back. It really did overwhelm me. How I made it, I'll never truly know. I'd love to think it's because I'm special, but I'm not. I honestly think I saw the problem at a moment in my life I was ready to see it. Ready to do something serious about it, and ready to let go of the belief I couldn't stop.

Timing was on my side. It didn't make it easy, but it did make it easier. And so did time under my belt for that matter. Each day got better, allowing me to get stronger. One small step, one single day at a time, and here I am with 2 years and 2 months of being clean. I just checked my calendar and it's an anniversary! It's EXACTLY 2 years and 2 months today. What a great day to decide to blog (and brag)!

I'm going to take some time today to re-read some more of my journey to here. And I'm also going to take some time to celebrate the feeling of really accomplishing something. I'm halfway through paying off my debt. So far I've paid off a loan, 2 overdrafts and a whopping big line of credit. I've still got 2 credit cards to bring to zero, which I think will take most of 2014, but THEN I will be officially debt free!

I'm grateful for this state of grace I find myself in, but I will always remember how devastating it was to be actively gambling. I need to remember in order to STAY in this state of grace. I remember by reading and writing here, and I hope in the process that I can help to inspire others to stay on their path, or for those who haven't begun their own journey yet to find the desire to make that first step. There's hope around the corner for all of us and today I'm sending out all of mine to anyone who is having trouble finding their own. Just start slow & believe that you can do this. You can. And you will.

Just repeat after me...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

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Wow! 2 FULL YEARS!

Permanent Linkby youneverknow on Wed Mar 05, 2014 3:11 am

I'm sitting here today with 2 years behind me. I have to admit I'm amazed that I did it. I can still remember back when I left notes on my computer and around my apartment begging myself to not gamble. Reminding me how it was destroying me. That all encompassing fear that I would fall into the willfully blank, non-thinking state & slip. I also remember the slips - they just kept happening - and the accompanying stress & depression, sleepless nights, new commitments, new promises, new prayers (rinse, repeat). God it was a nightmare.

And now I'm free.

Free to say no effortlessly. Free to say I walked the walk. Free to spend a day without thinking about it. Free to smile again - and really feel it. Free to be the man I used to be. Free.

Personally, although I appreciate all of that, it's the fact that I truly don't think about it anymore that I'm most grateful for - well... that and not being on the brink of financial ruin all the time.

I DID think about it all today (it's the first day of my THIRD YEAR!!!!) and I found I actually had to concentrate to bring it all back. The life I lived in the throes of my addiction is frankly almost impossible to believe.

Almost.

Unfortunately I was there, so I know it happened. My 'normal' included having to rush up to the Payday Loan place every single payday to pay off my loan and then re-loan. That meant going to my bank, getting the cash, paying the Loan place, and then taking slightly less money back to my bank and depositing it. Every payday. I also worked every payday, so I would have to get up extra early before my shift to do all that. Again and again and again. THEN, after work I'd pay (barely) my bills, and gamble the rest all away and be broke and hungry for the next 2 weeks. Sometimes I'd win enough to keep gambling for a few days, more often I'd lose it all that day. Did I mention it was again and again and again?

How can anyone live like that?! Yet I did. To the point that it was normal. Then I'd try to sleep each night and instead would lay awake, sick to my stomach asking the same two questions. 'What did I do?!' and 'What am I going to do?!'

I feel a little ill just remembering.

I'm not a masochist. I'm not drawing forth these memories to wallow in them, but rather to NEVER FORGET. It matters. At 2 years clean, it's easy to think it's all behind me and let my guard down. It's not my normal anymore. But it can be. I am now and always will be ONE bet away from starting it all over again.

Damned right I'm going to remember. I will not allow myself to walk a single step on that road ever again. In order to be strong I HAVE to remember how easily I was weak. It owned me. So much so, that even when I was praying to stop gambling, I was gambling. No matter how bad it was, I kept doing it. I'm strong now, but not so strong I can afford to be stupid & forget that I owe that strength to the amount of time away from gambling - the most gruesome addiction I've ever experienced.

I fully intend to one day say, 'Wow! 3 FULL YEARS!', then 4, then 5 and so on. But I'll only get there if I never forget where I'm coming from either. So, though I won't wallow in the past, I won't allow myself to forget it. Like I said, it matters. Because I matter.

How could I not? I'M the reason I'm free. That's something else I won't allow myself to forget.

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

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