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What am I besides damaged? by batcap on Wed May 06, 2015 7:15 pm
I'm 42 and was recently diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder. My wife and parents looked at it as a positive because now they could put a name to the problems that have plagued me. I looked at it as a confirmation, a confirmation that I was indeed broken and have been for a long time. The pain, the lying, the debt, the porn addiction, the cutting, the isolation and the rage, all of it has snowballed to where I am now. I look at my 3 kids and know that because of my irresponsibility I am not able to give them all that things that they need. I look at my wife who's stood by me all this time and see the years of stress taking its toll on her, I know that she has a hard time knowing whether I'm lying or not or hiding something from her again, whether its a parking ticket or that I started smoking again. My poor parents and the confusion in their eyes, wanting so badly to help but not sure how. I've gotten to master the smile and stories about how my therapy is going well even though I stopped going months ago. I was able to stop cutting myself in December but the urge is back and I don't think I can fight it off much longer. I am lost. I've stopped taking my diabetes medication and have basically thrown caution to the wind. I refuse to spend anymore money on my health, I'm a bad investment. I love my children to much to take my own life in a conventional way so I figure I'll just let nature take its course. Easier to have a dad that died of a heart attack or diabetes complications than the truth. Everything is so frustrating, I wasn't abused or molested yet I end up with a personality disorder that makes me feel like a shell of a person, different clothes, different hairstyles, different ambitions that are never fully recognized, always in the middle of drama that I claim that I want no part of. I watch the confusion in my 13 year old son because dad has no emotional consistency, is he going to freak out over the spilled milk or take responsibility for it so they don't get into trouble. All I know for sure is is that I hate myself and if everyone knew what was truly going on inside of me they would too.
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