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What am I besides damaged? by batcap on Wed May 06, 2015 7:15 pm
I'm 42 and was recently diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder. My wife and parents looked at it as a positive because now they could put a name to the problems that have plagued me. I looked at it as a confirmation, a confirmation that I was indeed broken and have been for a long time. The pain, the lying, the debt, the porn addiction, the cutting, the isolation and the rage, all of it has snowballed to where I am now. I look at my 3 kids and know that because of my irresponsibility I am not able to give them all that things that they need. I look at my wife who's stood by me all this time and see the years of stress taking its toll on her, I know that she has a hard time knowing whether I'm lying or not or hiding something from her again, whether its a parking ticket or that I started smoking again. My poor parents and the confusion in their eyes, wanting so badly to help but not sure how. I've gotten to master the smile and stories about how my therapy is going well even though I stopped going months ago. I was able to stop cutting myself in December but the urge is back and I don't think I can fight it off much longer. I am lost. I've stopped taking my diabetes medication and have basically thrown caution to the wind. I refuse to spend anymore money on my health, I'm a bad investment. I love my children to much to take my own life in a conventional way so I figure I'll just let nature take its course. Easier to have a dad that died of a heart attack or diabetes complications than the truth. Everything is so frustrating, I wasn't abused or molested yet I end up with a personality disorder that makes me feel like a shell of a person, different clothes, different hairstyles, different ambitions that are never fully recognized, always in the middle of drama that I claim that I want no part of. I watch the confusion in my 13 year old son because dad has no emotional consistency, is he going to freak out over the spilled milk or take responsibility for it so they don't get into trouble. All I know for sure is is that I hate myself and if everyone knew what was truly going on inside of me they would too.

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Manifesting new things by OMNICELL on Tue Mar 26, 2024 4:43 am
Women;
Dating women…
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Talking to women…
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That is the problem…
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I look back at women I liked when young and I wanted to talk to but I couldn’t. No connection ever really happened. No one ...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 123 times
The new road... by OMNICELL on Mon Mar 25, 2024 7:26 am
Work and relationships;
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So; Ive started working on music with the idea of accomplishing songs… Im thinking; Im so dissociated I never stuck to doing anything or finishing anything or creating anything I...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 411 times
Expectations and life on lifes terms by OMNICELL on Mon Mar 25, 2024 5:30 am
Expectations
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Well; Things are changing; Im getting more inline with what I want.
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Music;
I cant hear a thing. I listen to a song and I cant hear a thing; I have idea what the chords are.. ...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 221 times
learning how to work at things in reality by OMNICELL on Fri Mar 22, 2024 4:44 am
How to move forward…?
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Pray; am I suppose to move forward God…
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What does this mean.
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I saw a picture of a guy from the 1940’s. He was a guitarist. He had 2 fingers; I don’t know th...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 494 times
Finally feel like Im moving on from the past by OMNICELL on Thu Mar 21, 2024 4:00 am
The next big situation; The next big answer;
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The Past; those from the past; relationships;
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THE ANSWER: I WAS MANIPULATING>
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Its all very sad…
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As I remember; working with God to i...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 828 times
Feed Recent Comments
Re: Made a decision by NewSunRising on Wed Jun 14, 2023 12:14 pm
but not alone ... We are here for you if ever you need us . Hugs & love .

Re: Being gracious by quietgirl2538 on Mon Jun 05, 2023 4:45 am
I agree

Re: Been a while by quietgirl2538 on Mon Jun 05, 2023 4:45 am
Aww...Thanks snaga

Re: Being gracious by Snaga on Sun Jun 04, 2023 10:30 pm
I think sometimes, that things like that are more for our benefit, than for the one it's aimed at.

Re: Been a while by Snaga on Sun Jun 04, 2023 10:29 pm
Huh. I listen to a classic country station on my commute and was listening to a nice old Tanya song other morning. And I always wish you good fortune!

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