May 2017
April 2017
I wasn't wanting to write here until I did another retrospective article but since i'm at summer school right now that might take a while I think it'd be better and healthier to let things out now.
The voices of flippers past is one thing which detracted my attention in accounting class today. That and not really having done the homework I admit. The teacher is a nice guy reminding me of the the first math teacher I was with when I transferred schools who (used to) be an accountant and not the final accounting teacher I had in accounting class who (while a nice guy) seemed a bit jaded and weary at times.
It's getting friggin uncanny as I think about how many of the teachers I've had issues with,like many in the employed teacher demographic in the seperate school board, even my co-op teacher in the public high school and a lab instructor I didn't like,first semester of biotech: -_- there all Italian.
...
You know I’m going to try to not go on a rant here,with how this extends all the way back to early childhood and hearing my dad talk about my laborers and bosses (who prob. hassled him) at construction work were Italian (or Portuguese, but I don't think I really even knew about the Portuguese ethnicity until I was 12) or the >_< GARBAGE I put up with in the other school board both from teachers of said ethnicity and from students of said ethnicit(ies) who "think they're all that"*
* At least here in Hamilton, in my eyes "Catholic school board" doesn't mean "more than ostensibly Catholic ppl,who prob. practice a 'folk piety' and for whom religion is *apparently =~= * a significant enough criterion to decide what kind of school my kids go to” to me it’s more like “Catholic school=very Eurocentric school which pulls off with an ostensibly religious look and impression”/ “we have ‘no idea’ how this label ‘filters’ out/is a turn off to “brown ppl” (North African and West Asian ppl) and (East) Asian ppl who would otherwise be going to this place which ends up culturally biased b/c we used a masked of a religious description where “folksy piety” is the qualifier and not something more complicated like say real-deal systematic Thomism”
_________________
Something else which is sad and toxic for me?. >_< ‘~’ There is seriously hardly *ANYONE* I can who I knew btw g.7-11 who I can feel comfortable about looking up on facebook. It’s gotten to the point where I feel compelled to dig up my g.6 class photo (if it’s still there) from the boxes of albums in my room but it’s not like I’ll get around to that anytime soon.
There is someone who I knew in g.7 who I’m actually more comfortable with looking up on facebook. Initials H.C. . When I think about her, she was one of the few ppl who were ever really sympathetic to me and even stood up for me and empathatized with me during occasional conversations. ‘_’ I feel---strange for how I see “diamonds in the rough” in retrospect. Even though I hardly spoke to her in high school I’m glad it seemed she prospered. I think I saw her twin sister at Pizza pizza last Saturday.
I can just imagine the teachers who I disliked from the first high school popping up in seats during a counseling session going “Oh you weren’t trying hard enough” , feigned grins and contrived platitudes from a group with a masculine “our gang” attitude—“don’t believe hjim. He has Asperger’s” ,”Your crazy”
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOUUUUUGGGGHHHH Dx< !!!!!!!!!!!
;_; Petty ad hominem attacks on me which I can retaliate several times fold with cogent retorts---but the images of those factors >_< and what they did to me! And how I feel life cheated me STILL STICK !! >_< @~@ ;~;
There was one “Mr.T’ who was actually nice,who I actually found nice even though I know he was still very much a part of that “our gang” group. Very nice and amicable man, a hockey coach with a distinct personality and very knowledgable about physical motion but (I had this feeling that this might’ve been a possibility even thru his charisma,which I liked), I remember someone saying he has ADHD. I don’t really care for how true that is but even if it is,what of it?. The teacher who taught me developmental psych last year, I think has it as well and she’s really knowledgable and does her main work with like sex and family related crisis work or something to that effect.---all the garbage I did in ’07,which got amped up in the later half of ’07 and I wasn’t *as* disingenuous with “Mr.T”. He kind of “felt my vibe” even through the convoluted fear fuled disingenuity and the behavioral bizzareness I did/commited during that time.
*”Zombie” by The Cranberries `_` * is really playing in my mind right now.
Part of me wonders whether I should engage against such voices,”shut them up” with force. Part of me says “no” b/c I already did the martial arts stick a year and half ago in resentment to my sister and her friend and look at where that got me `_` . But I feel tempted…just enough forcefulness for it distance itself away for a long enough time (~12 months) by which time I’ll finally wrap up school;… and by which time it might come back to me (the inner turbulence and fear and anger) even worse >_< .
[To teachers past: >: ( YES. YES high school DID scar me for life you b-----ds!]
I could sublimate this “dark patch” with writing. Short stories and poetry,I’ve been doing both lately but short stories take longer and all more involved,thus I’ve been sticking to poetry.
D---- man >_< !. I’d just like to DO WELL!. *IN THIS PROGRAM*!.
Once I even wrote one where I become a famous logician/mathematician and the inserted me wonders if he's only gotten this good b/c a math teacher from the afterlife has been helping him the whole time,having recognized the bad impact he made. A bit like how a *very* superficial understanding of saint veneration works I suppose; say you pray to St. Francis of Assisi to help your sick pet b/c he's the patron saint of animals,you'd think he'd do it b/c he was nice to animals during his life.
But the idea of teacher I didn't like helping me "from the otherside"?. Now to me that's creepy
,b/c it makes me think that I *only* succeded b/c of the preternatural intervention of someone dead who I hated. It makes me think that it'll entail that I'll *have to* meet him on the otherside and say i'm sorry since he hleped me that whole time but wth,by the time I get to my end I might still very well feel like hating him and *not* feel like my individual-to-individual forgiveness of him came organically but it's a bit forced b/c I'm on the other side and d--- it!, I don't wanna see ya!.This is one reason why a conventional idea of Heaven doesn't resonate with me. I mean it's recently occurred to me that a conventional idea of Heaven is prob. "the easiest way" to meet up w/ dead relatives and famous ppl in the after-life (
imaging myself brunching w/ Paul Tillich, Bertrand Russell and Lao-tsu ^u^ ) and getting to ask them and chat with them about the same things you'd ask them if you could time travel around to there natural lives and still apparrently get "real deal" statements of what'd they say but still,when you do that it'd mean coming across with all the didn't-go-offboard-enough-to-go-to-"the-other-place" ppl you meet in irl who really didn't like._______________
;_; The whole world is rooting for me but these s---y nightmares still gnaw at me like gremlins. D---- ._. the listing I'd make of ppl who I WOULD LIKE to come across with again and actually chat with them in a full topical leisurely divulging.
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