-Yesterday I turned 23 and as such I have decided to indulge/express myself with a subject title that might be inapplicable as I can't say for sure whether I'm any better at accepting paradoxes.

x *cough*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catch-22_(logic)#Logic*cough*

but I know that I have learned a lot this age-year and ggggggguuuuuwww -w- ,a "teal deer" can peer it's head out here.

There are patches here and there from other entries.
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It has been 20 days plus a year since the http://www.psychforums.com/blog/xod_s/something_good_came_out_of_near_slipping_b-5078.html entry which marks the last time I intentionally went on pornography and getting out of the habit was a reason for the obsessive,ranty,contrarian spree on the other end of the hormonally fueled behavior spectrum (randiness<~~~~~>anger),which I embarked on.


I did some things,I identified some thing, I destroyed some things,I did some things some more,I identified some things,grains of salt got scattered around,I was so get so caught up that I nearly forgot about this reason. I did martial arts for a little bit,I got interested in martial arts a little it, I was engaged,enjoyed and found out what I made happen when given the freedom and fun of being in a "general arts and sciences" program which is one fruit that has come out of tertiary education,I expressed myself etc.

Some of the stuff I've thought and said can be dismissed as nothing but nigh-convoluted inticement and trash-talking. It's been different from the release of mindless aggression I had btw Aug '07-Feb '08. Like it I got a "reality slap" around the end.

Desire and hatred,forms of passion were finally identified,in a fantastic coincide weeks before tomorrow both have been a source for more than one motive fallacy. Along the trek though,I've come across different forms of self-pleasure and "webs of nimbleness" have formed in my mind. As well as different and underscored ways of approaching sexuality topics instead of going more into fantasy and self-pleasure. And I'll admit this includes luagh-pleasure the questionable infotainment merits of "cracked.com" when it comes to sexuality as well "^_^ .

Hey,did I mention that even white women are starting to look more interesting to me now ? ^u^ .

I don't "sublimate" it off,which I imo is a bit to much to ask for sometimes (like having left elementary being the best basketball player at school and being told your going to be playing on the seniors team a month before a school distrcit final) , I *subsume it* into my cognitizing,looking afor and trying to understand ways it's been analyzed like via soft sciences and life scis and such. Whether it "sublimates" isn't too important to me.

Very absorbing and more meaningful than masturbation, conventionally is taken to be. It's better than an improvement than the hormonally driven and frenzied teen I used to be,who had even "in-a-rut-ted" problems of being socially active with ppl...I still very much do,with what socability most ppl see me having being a thin crust for the volumes of shaky underlayers like what I demonstrate in personal writings and audio-logs.

There is something I would like to say today. Revealing something which makes me fear and something that makes me worry and which my mind (ever so used to the impulse of "getting ahead of myself") lingers whenever I think about the possibility of a relationship and getting married.

Hormone based contraceptives and possible abortifacient effects.

There.I said it.

For what it's worth, I'm fine with barrier method contraceptives.

It's a valid concern but like times in the past it shows that I have a tendenancy to "get ahead of myself" and like (how) many men (are written off as),I think about the possibility of sex in a relationship. For me, it's something that has to earned,deserved and mutually recognized. It's a door for me which would take a lllloooonnngggg time to get to. Like after marriage. Better this attitude than what a lot of teen boys have and have had.

As much as it is a valid concern it's a very premature distraction thought of "en-hypothetico" thoughts of being in a relationship. Such a premature thought reminds of the time,when (after finding out that the friend of my sister who pecked me,who I was not sure if I had feeling for,was not heterosexual), in a fit of distress,I wrote a bunch of stuff to bring up with my school case manager the next day.One of which was "tinkering with the idea of explaining to my parents that I would marry a bisexual". He told me that I was getting ahead of myself with that thought (and ergo 1/m reasons why it wasn't an important question).

(A)Something he's brought occasionelly is how "if you want to be in relationship..you have to put yourself in a position where you can meet and interact with ppl" but ...

What do I have offer as friend ?

no "fun" talents
no cool job
no eventful social life
no widely recognized high profile of acheivement
no job
no driving ability

nothing


What do I have offer as boyfriend ?

no "fun" talents
no cool job
no eventful social life
no widely recognized high profile of acheivement
no driving ability
no "meaningful" social experience
no "fun" social experience
no Mike Channing Tatum style looks,body,style or charm

nothing

-~- Yeeaahhh,I bring up Mike Channing Tatum b/c of the popularity he's gotten in recent years...irl experience as a male stripper and reprising the role in "Magic Mike",helps him hmm?..


(B)I've also been slowly coming to terms with the idea of living a life if I don't marry..it's not too bad, as the notion of "outline",I can default to is in my mind. Weeks ago my brother said " Lol just be the person u needed when u were younger,Let that be ur quote of motivation". Quite handy a motto in the long list of one-liners for "soul searching" and I think that if it was followed to a tee by more ppl there would perhaps be less families formed ^_^..(bit following "what measure is an adult?" not continued)

(Bii)…after all "what more could I ask for?". I live in a first world country, I always find ways to fill-time, I'm priviledged and God-thankful for how I have a major intellectual cravingand I live in the (still early) age of the internet and of course I can become greatly avuncular . If I continue to live out single,it'll be okay since relieving myself from Maslow's network of needs is relatively easy in contrast to other eras and locations..


(Biii) However I'll still continue to be such a "private" person. For instance,even for all the variety I do can do in writing and expressing myself it's still such a private thing. Yes,my family,the maternal branch who are mostly here in Hamilton is replete with examples of relationships that have crumbled (" -_- all my maternal uncles). And one of my aunt's even once said directly how she's all about herself and would not have cared to marry. She thought that when she was younger and she still thinks she is very much capable of that.

["Young Matt's father" by Graeme Revell from the Daredevil OST is music that does with (C) in my mind ]

(C)
(Ci)There is love by fusing with another and loving others. Finding someone to click with,expressing that love (there is an ideal-theory that the love which comes with being with someone and fusing with there reaches it’s maximum consummation and expression during sex) and perhaps having children.

The *NoRMaTiVe EXPECTATION* is that "we all came to be on account of the actions of fusing-love" and any/all ppl who came to be conceived on account of "casual hook-ups" or non-consensual interactions are certainly NOT excluded from this realm.


The other person,those other persons,they become the purpose.

(Cii)
There is love by dissolving into the world. Finding a cause which gives you purpose. Find a cause for which you can pour your being into. Finding a cause which you pour your being into which is diffused and disseminated into the world. A charitable cause. A cause of love. Altruism.

Even if your not spiritual (I occasionely lose the mood for being spiritual or pious in when I "throw a misotheistic tantrum" every once in a while),a higher purpose which can be found in being single are skills (ex.athletics,dancing and musical ability,craftsmen crafting and artists including actors;anything where there is a processural execution--`~` even businessppl who "brag " about how easily they can come up with money can go under this category as well I suppose) or knowledge (and it's not like you have to be a high-brow academic,technologist or scientist to do so either).

Whether the purpose is spiritual or not,it's all about charity.It's all about altruism. It's all about love.

Ppl who come off with an impression of being "pathetic losers" b/c you got exceedingly devoted to a hobby or interest* like a game or ARE NOT excluded from love in any which way b/c of their fond-of-purpose.

I wouldn't be up for that approach myself cuz '~' even if I did have the space and money it comes off to me as a form of materialism..a lot less worse than other,overt forms but still..

(Cii) This is a more difficult route in the sense that taking into account outcomes is a delicate and complicated issue. No wonder some people end up thinking that the purpose of life is knowledge. It brings up some tantalizing points which are enough in my mind to make it a close second but even it yields to emptiness;perpetual liminality not exempt from value-judgements...no wonder the latter seems so far-fetched and mystical: “concrete” ordinary results like an established relationship, a life-partner and children are not open to debate to most. The common conception-notion is that we came to be on account on the actions of fusing-love..the ethics of cloning and reproductive technologies have points at odds with ppl b/c of that .Whereas (in) love-by dissolving has much less discernible resoluteness which makes engaging the definitions of it and making a case for it more much more difficult—one source of constant struggle,agitation and ridicule for those who follow it.

A cause of love in both love-by fusing and love-by dissolving is to/can support life.

(D)There are inversions of this which can be spoken of and I can speak of them at another time.

(E)There's a part of me that nagging to say "Every year I am more of an embarresment"...another says "Why do I have to listen to -~-* that*?"...there's something about "sub-personalities"..and there's something about,something to learn from unconditional acceptance of^1 yourself.

^1 (your) children if you have any and..

Them bracketed letters..`_` such are the thoughts that keep me rambling.Lovingly. Rambling lovingly `u` .

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I can and like to shed and pierce with light on the lesser explored directions which initially might come off as darkness. I like to speak of what I saw there and esp. talk about the bad and indefnsibile..there's a thought in my mind..(wikipedia)Tzedakah.. is a Hebrew word literally meaning justice or righteousness but commonly used to signify charity...

Have a defiency for/when it comes to beauty `_` ?. Am I so anticipative of the smoke and shadows many regularly consider beauty that it's become an ideal to ponder out?...dang skippy that it's an ideal to ponder out in a way..but *THAT IS NOT THE ONLY WAY*. That is not the only way,it DOES NOT have to be meant that way..things are awaiting..

I leave on that note;it was done on an MS doc and I don't wanna heavy-hand it some more with emoticons.

Correction:Most of my maternal uncles have had not-so-good relationships with their wives. There are two uncles in El Salvador who as far as I know still get along fine with their wives.
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Times when you read stuff about deaths and you kind of "saw it coming" in the sense of "you were expecting it" when reading said things. You feel conflicted about buying something which might harm (mouse traps) and you get cheesed by how others write off such thoughts as "being to soft" (which makes you feel increasingly/more disillusioned with said group >:( )while you can agree with how mice have to not be present in your house,you would not like to kill anything either.

I now feel conflicted about going out to buy traps in the same day. I came across an article with an elephant sitting btw a couple of ppl saying "how to talk about anything" on the cover of "psychology today" magazine...and came across the words "oversharing blogs" then and there as well "^_^..

I wonder if "pop psychology" catches on easily b/c of the emotional appeal of it in contrast to naked logic and reasoning delivered philosophy?. I would really like to get dig to the *logic* in psycho*logic* .
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It is better to be commited to doing things correctly than always trying to prove your perfect.

This style of expression where I spout aphorisms while definitely not something I hate is something I would to change.