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wasp_rainbowarrior
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Joined: Sun Sep 08, 2013 1:48 am
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- December 2019
the fire in my eyes has burned down like coals...
   Sun Dec 29, 2019 11:56 pm

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trapped inside the void's slimy waters

Permanent Linkby wasp_rainbowarrior on Tue Feb 14, 2017 2:40 am

more and more i notice that what triggers me into checking out my hookup app messages and looking for porn online is this huge, desperating feeling that i don't know what else to do. today i had that feeling and even though i was not aroused i started looking for porn online. my hookup app is ALWAYS open and i'm checking it constantly, or i feel sucked into this meaningless void as if nothing else can give my life any meaning. i am usually fine when i'm with other doing things, but once i'm alone that feeling striked and it's almost like i HAVE to masturbate or hook up, as if nothing else were handed out to me as an option. i know that in reality i have a lot os options - hell, i've not been doing anything that i wanted to/ should and that makes me very upset, as if life is slipping through my fingers. i will talk to my therapist tomorrow about a psychiatrist i can go to. i've always looked down on medication as if it was an "easy solution" - what a dumbass i am, right? the fact is that now medication is the only thing in which i see a possibility of cure for me.

you see me trying to climb on this pole, but i'm just hiding the pain that's deep in my soul.
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