|
sex and study and sex and study and sex...i've been thinking more about the whole "i might be bipolar" thing. in the beginning of 2014 i quit psychotherapy because i thought i had found plain and complete happiness in philosophy. some months later i got unbearably hooked on cyber sex and that was really horrible for me, i felt horrible and i went back to therapy with a different therapist. i continued to feel awful until i read confessions by st augustine of hippo and felt as if i had found absolute truth and happiness and gotten over all my problems. i then began to actually have sex with strangers and that was my worst phase of the addiction, with multiple guys everyday. then i had gonorrhea and i was terrified, then for some months i had a marvelous life of multiple hours of study everyday about all fields of humanities,which was followed by another terrible cycle of addiction and that was the only time i actually considered suicide as a way to solve my problems. then again another period marvelled by the things i read and so on. i can actually trace all my mood cycles long back in time because they are always unforgettable. it makes so much sense to think i might have bipolar disorder. my mother is really worried about everything and she has no idea of the things i really live. i find it so sad that hiding so many things keeps me apart from the people i love. i had a dream today that i was a japanese girl wearing a plaster mask and i kept telling my friend "no, i'll be drunk" no matter what she asked me. then i pretended to be some kind of monster (a ghost? a zombie? a vicious creature? i dont know) and my friend was scared. i started telling her i was kidding until i realized i was right: i was a monster. and i couldn't take my mask off. sometimes i think that i am very selfish and dont have enough empathy because of all the things i'm constantly hiding and never relaxing. i'm probably being delusional about my future happiness again but this time i think there will be a major change in my life.
you see me trying to climb on this pole, but i'm just hiding the pain that's deep in my soul.
0 Comments
Viewed 1221 times
|
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot]