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sensuality and sensibilityyesterday late night i sneaked out to have sex with a guy. not totally stranger, since i'd talked to him for a long time before, but stranger enough. let him do things to me that i knew i hated. i believe i'm dangerously dissociating from my bodily experiences. my mental state remained unaltered before, during and after the sex and always focusing on things that are not there - songs i like, music i've played and reminiscences of past experiences. did not feel pleasure even though i reached orgasm. while i was on top of him after sex i was totally indifferent to his presence and thinking without emotional disturbance "what a shame, maybe i could have spent 2017 entirely without sex". even now i feel nothing towards that experience. indeed, i don't recall feeling any emotions for the past days. i think my feelings shut down after my intense suffering that i blogged about last week. that is why i felt like i was ok even if continuing with sexual behavior usually compulsive. it was compulsive, but didn't feel like it.
you see me trying to climb on this pole, but i'm just hiding the pain that's deep in my soul.
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