yesterday late night i sneaked out to have sex with a guy. not totally stranger, since i'd talked to him for a long time before, but stranger enough. let him do things to me that i knew i hated. i believe i'm dangerously dissociating from my bodily experiences. my mental state remained unaltered before, during and after the sex and always focusing on things that are not there - songs i like, music i've played and reminiscences of past experiences. did not feel pleasure even though i reached orgasm. while i was on top of him after sex i was totally indifferent to his presence and thinking without emotional disturbance "what a shame, maybe i could have spent 2017 entirely without sex". even now i feel nothing towards that experience. indeed, i don't recall feeling any emotions for the past days. i think my feelings shut down after my intense suffering that i blogged about last week. that is why i felt like i was ok even if continuing with sexual behavior usually compulsive. it was compulsive, but didn't feel like it.

(((hugs)))