so, first of all, an update: i think i'll be very soon getting my first real job as a language teacher, i'm back at teaching music and will be back to therapy maybe next week. good. i'm not being very productive nor happy, but i'm getting things done.

a couple days ago a guy from as online sex chat sent me a message on skype at like 5 am asking if i was there because he wanted to talk about something. i wasn't, but i saw it a couple days later and answered him, he answered me and now i just talked to him about what we wanted to tell me. he said that he was just looking for someone to talk to because he had a fight with his parents and couldn't sleep. what the heck makes a person seek emotional comfort on some stranger they never met in person with whom the only established relationship they have revolves around sex?

i've done it myself in the past, and i say that probably means extreme loneliness. on the one side, i really felt sorry for him and just wanted him to come over so i can give him a hug and talk to him. on the other side, i'm 100% sure that if he did we would end up having sex. it's been long since i realised that any emotional involvement i have with men turns into sex. i don't have any emotional involvement with any of my male friends. maybe my addiction comes from a failed attempt at connecting emotionally with other men, which fails because i was abused. it is actually painful that my sexuality always bursts in before my emotions whenever i try to interact with a man - and at the same time, guys i have sex with very frequently tell me they felt something special and really liked me and want to keep in touch (i rarely do, to be honest). i've told so many guys from hook up apps that they have symptoms of sex addiction. why do i give men this impression that they can open up? and why is it so different from the image my true acquaintances have from me - that from a cold-hearted person willing to be rude and tell the harsh truth if necessary? they wouldn't believe me if i told them about the things men say about me, just just men don't believe on the things they say about me.

i am neither, actually. i just struggle to be happy between these masks. i'm like amanda seyfried on fathers and daughters.

I'm not totally sure I understand. Getting emotions for a man leads to sex, too soon? Or is it that, that is the only way you feel that you can show affection for a guy?

Good deal on the news about the job! And don't say you're not being productive... baby steps sweetie, baby steps. Sounds as if you have reason to feel good about the direction you're headed in.

whenever i'm emotionally close to a man i instantly get an erection, even if i don't feel sexually aroused. after having sex with a guy who almost became my boyfriend (i broke up with him because having sex with him was making me start to hate him) i always kept my erection because of the emotional situation, and he always interpreted it as me wanting more sex (i didn't and i hated it that he thought so). i don't know if talking about erections would be too graphic, which is why i didn't write it explicitly. anyway, it usually ruins whatever emotional proximity i can have with guys, since it brings sex up every time and no one will understand that's not my real desire.

and well, the reason i say i'm not being productive is becuase at my best i'm hyper productive. i get to wake up, practice my instrument, study 2 different books of difficult philosophy themes, listen and dance to some music and watch a nice movie. right now i don't do anything other than what i must (like getting a job). it's hard to accept that i can't be as productive as my best all the time. i've always had huge expectations on myself ever since being a child...

I think it's safe to talk about boners in the blogs . As long as it's suitable for open forum. Technically we're to be 'family friendly' but that's painted with a wide brush.

That is.... Well, fascinating. I've never been that capable of an easy erection at mere physical attraction without manual simulation, much less emotional attachment alone. So it seems, you have to get across the idea that just because you look sexually aroused when you're with a guy you're attracted to, that doesn't mean you want to do it all the time. And hopefully be with a guy that understands that and accepts it.

As far as productive... Most of us aren't hyper productive. I'm a classic underachiever. Don't be so hard on yourself, sweets. We do not have to be doing something productive every waking moment.

i'm about to write about how unproductive i'm being. my problems is not just that i'm not getting things done, but that i'm wasting my time on things that are neither useful nor give me any pleasure.

and well, about boners, yeah, pretty odd situation. i don't really want to find anyone that understands it, though. i being alone seems actually the best possibility for me. i wanted to have someone from the type people call a best friend, but that's it. it's been a couple years since i don't have friends that close (since 2013 ou 2014 or something like that). even though i do have many close friends. now that i'm thinking about it, my addiction might be related to that. i'll think about it.