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wasp_rainbowarrior
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- December 2019
the fire in my eyes has burned down like coals...
   Sun Dec 29, 2019 11:56 pm

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i don't know the subject this time

Permanent Linkby wasp_rainbowarrior on Fri Feb 17, 2017 5:39 pm

sometimes i worry i might lose contact with reality. my biggest fear is going insane. these last days i've been feeling more and more that i'm not living in the real world. i'm using hookup apps too much even though i'm not that interested and today while i was driving i had this sensation i wasn't really there. i put on some music and started singing to bring my attention to something in the immediate reality, but then i stopped singing and dangerously crossed a red light without knowing. i'm not feeling any pleasure in singing anymore. nothing gives me pleasure anymore. sex catches my interest but it doesn't last. i'm responding to guys i don't feel attracted to and will probably end up having sex with one of them. i've been having some very degrading fantasies with no desire to actually make them true. i can't really describe the way i feel due to the fact that it all seems very unreal. after i crossed the red light i began worrying about how it would be if i went insane, the things people would say about me and the fact that people would probably say my abuse wasn't real because i'm crazy. i'm starting to think i really need psychiatric medicine. my therapist said she would text me some contacts from psychiatrists but she hasn't. i'll ask her again. i find it absolutely disturbing how my "sexual me" keeps functioning even though all the other parts of me stop. it's like it works on it's own. i don't know what this blog entry is about. the anxiety of waiting for something that gives my life sense is that for which i spend every breathing minute.

you see me trying to climb on this pole, but i'm just hiding the pain that's deep in my soul.
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Re: i don't know the subject this time

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Sat Feb 18, 2017 2:28 am

Hugs!

I know, in my worse moments, I feel as if my hold on reality slips. And it sounds almost as if you're disassociating a bit. Been there done that, also.

I don't know how it works for you, but it doesn't surprise me that interest in sex would be the thing that endures- sex, especially I think sex behaviors that we feel we shouldn't be doing- makes me forget myself a short while.

Hang in there-i for one, don't expect you to go insane-but I'm very familiar with the sensation of losing control over oneself.

Stay safe, sweets.
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Re: i don't know the subject this time

Permanent Linkby wasp_rainbowarrior on Sat Feb 18, 2017 3:07 pm

i haven't felt that bad since yesterday but i haven't felt anything else either. whenever i stop and pay attention to how i'm feeling i get this tight chest feeling and my heart beats faster, like some form of anxiety. i haven't felt any joy or happiness for the past days and have been keeping myself distracted from that feeling. i don't understand why i dissociate since my happiest moments are those at which i feel the closer to reality. i'm trying not to get carried away...
you see me trying to climb on this pole, but i'm just hiding the pain that's deep in my soul.
wasp_rainbowarrior
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