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wasp_rainbowarrior
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the fire in my eyes has burned down like coals...
   Sun Dec 29, 2019 11:56 pm

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occasionally furious for a ridiculous reason

Permanent Linkby wasp_rainbowarrior on Sun Jan 29, 2017 7:31 am

it happened 7 hours ago, yet i was so furious that i cannot breath deeply until now, even after calming down - even though just thinking about it makes me furious again. i warn the reader that it is not a reason to get mad about and i will probably sound like a spoiled prick. my phone stopped working about a week ago and today i went to buy a new one. after i paid for it, i found out they had given me a model in a ridiculous colour without even asking me which colour i wanted - a colour different from the one i had pointed to. ok, it happens, so i asked to change the colour. they said it was too late because the store was closing and i had to go back the other day - even though apparently it was not too late for them to lecture me for 10 minutes about how i should hire this insurance for my phone that cost almost a quarter of the phone itself without even being allowed to read what the insurance contract says beforehand - ridiculous. on top of it, i had my mother acting like a bitch because i was mad and afterwards lecturing me on how i should not be mad, with this talk about "i thought you were controlled, now i don't anymore" - oh, mother, if you only knew. i really had to control myself not to rageously yell at everyone in public. i was so mad my mother said she is going there tomorrow to exchange the phone without me. the reason i am mostly mad about is because i think they will try not to allow the exchange and my mother will probably not be able to handle the situation because she has no guts. they tried to make me sign a paper that said "i am aware that this store allows no exchanges", but i managed not to sign it without them realising it. i spent three days researching on which phone has the best cost-benefit because i have very little money to spend (aparently did not get the job i was hoping to get, by the way) and therefore can't afford not to like my phone. now i might end up stuck with something i didn't ask for but payed for.

but i don't know why that makes me so mad. i've been through much worse situations that didn't affect me that much. i do hate stores and corporations in general, exactly because they are always trying to trick people to make more money, but still. my family has me for a very calm and well balanced person. they never thought it was weird that i was a quiet child who didn't cry and didn't do anything it was not allowed to. my family has basically no idea of anything that happen in my personal life, or of certain traits of my personality (none of my friends would ever label me as calm) or of the event which hold the greatest importance on my unhappiness. they have no idea that my great unhappiness exists. i have literally trusted strangers more than i trust my family. i hate living like this. part of the love i can't feel for anyone is definitely related to the fact that i hide huge, deeply true parts of myself from almost everyone i know. more and more i realize how i don't have a relationship with my father. he literally doesn't give my anything i like since many years ago - he has no idea of what i like or dislike. he never asked about it and neither about almost anything else. i am more close to my stepmother than to him. only recently i started noticing how cruel and merciless he has been to my sister and me and how he hasn't done anything to fix himself saying he doesn't have the time - even though he spends a ridiculous amont of time trying to be good for people outside the family. i never asked anything from him because i though he was poor - what a surprise for me when i found out that he earns twice as much as my mother. he gives my sister everything she wants, yet gives me nothing despite the fact that unlike my sister i actually need most things i struggle to buy for my own. my sister has the phone i wanted to buy, but can't afford - and i don't mean anything expensive. he used to give her his old phones - even though the one i had was much, much worse. he puts the entire responsibility of the relationship on my shoulders ever since i was a child - i remember he sent me a text about parental alienation when i was like 7 implying that i was pushing him away from me. when i go to his place (which i do only to see my sister and grandmother) he stays pretty much all the time working in his room. i can't remember the last time i talked to him. the best part is that for everyone outside the family he seems like a totally different person. even for me it seemed so until 2 years ago or so. i guess i just wasn't seeing myself as the outsider i really am. and right now i don't care about my phone even a third from what i cared when i started writing this.

you see me trying to climb on this pole, but i'm just hiding the pain that's deep in my soul.
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