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wasp_rainbowarrior
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the fire in my eyes has burned down like coals...
   Sun Dec 29, 2019 11:56 pm

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the fire in my eyes has burned down like coals...

Permanent Linkby wasp_rainbowarrior on Sun Dec 29, 2019 11:56 pm

i feel my old joie de vivre is finally coming back to exist. as a counterpoint i feel really lonely, especially for the fact that i am just one in a bed since a long time. i did sleep with someone (crazy story) but it was just one night and without any real meaningful connection between us (he was making many advances but at the same time seemed somehow uncomfortable... did i sleep with an older version of me?). however, i am learning to be organized and not to let myself despair when the world seems to demand too much from me. i've been quite low on motivation as well - although i am learning to do things even if they don't excite me at first. sometimes i feel like my better mental health allows and demands me to radicalize my sex habits even more - but instead of jumping out of the boat i try just putting my feet into the water and then i eventually remember how cold and dark it is out there. i'd rather stay on my boat than listen to the mermaids who just want me to follow their promises to the bottom of the sea. but oh, how i do miss having someone beside me under my blanket. i feel really uneasy everytime i use a dating app. maybe the only way for me is to let go of them once again until i begin feeling uneasy for NOT using them. the biggest mistake in my life was the first time i cammed with a stranger from the internet. that was the beginning of the obsession that has now been following me for 11 years. i want to be free from the desire of being desired. i want to not care about how desirable my body is. i want to be unpleasing and discomforting. i want to be able to control my urges.

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maybe this is how stable feels like

Permanent Linkby wasp_rainbowarrior on Fri Oct 18, 2019 11:31 pm

i haven't had any ups and downs as i had before. of course, i still struggle with my sexuality, but it doesn't destroy me. it's been a long time since i did something i didn't want to do during sex. i am having genuinely pleasurable experiences. i did feel compulsions and acted upon them, but that didn't destroy me like before - also because although i still don't feel in control of my urges, i do feel in control of how i act upon them. it bothers me a lot that i still can't properly resist and fight them, especially because of my religious sense that it is wrong (which is what holds me together as well), but i have just learned to accept that i am not able to be good just because i want to - especially if i have other conflicting desires.

i even managed to fall in love. i only realised it when i began to be rejected by the object of my love, so it might be just as well a reaction to being rejected. we'll have to see. but fact is, i was able to mantain a stable sexual connection with romantic linings for months without feeling disgusted by the person i was with. i still think about him often, i still dream about him sending a message excusing his cold manners and saying he wants to get back together. but i manage not to humiliate myself by going after a person who is just not that into me.

i am being able to mantain a routine and bring forth personal projects. i am exercising regularly. i don't have the feeling anymore that my body is brittle and useless. of course i have my ups and downs - i am clearly sleepy all the time and if i could i would honestly just lay in bed forever, but i am not letting that ruin my life. i did have a manic episode a couple weeks ago which culminated in a sex marathon, but that only taught me what the exact trigger to my hypomanic mood is, instead of destroying me inside. so i get to say that despite my unstability, i am stable. i feel however that this is not yet my natural state. i am not on medications, but i do have a constant, intense feeling that something wants to come out but can't. i guess i'm gonna have to wait and see. i hope i don't get lost again.

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a shameful confession

Permanent Linkby wasp_rainbowarrior on Sat Mar 30, 2019 8:17 am

it's been a long time since i don't write here. it's been a long time that i'm relatively well. today i stepped out of the boundaries of what i have fixed as acceptable for myself. i don't want this to become another cycle of addiction.

It's been around a year since I stopped taking my medication. I don't miss it. I don't think I am at all worse than when i was taking it. I haven't had any major mood swings anymore. i am living abroad since around 6 months ago and although i am happy to be here i feel very often unmotivated, tired, depressed, although not all the time. I have noticed also that this is dependant from my life choices. i have found that at my current level of mental stability i can actively work not to be sucked in by my negative feelings (meaning by "negative feelings" the ones that worsen my mental health and are not appropriate - for example, being sad when something sad actually happens i would not consider a "negative feeling" situation). I think this is the closest i have been to what a "normal" person feels like.

anyway, my addiction has not exactly stopped. I still spend WAY too much time on sex dating apps (although i seldom meet anyone) and masturbate not as a means of experiencing sexual pleasure, but of releasing sexual tension which i have learned to fear, with often little pleasure for myself - i used to feel pleasure by masturbating before, now i seldom do. so, the past month has been hard. I have been seeing a guy every 2-3 weeks not only for sex but mostly for sex since october, with one pause around november when i had a period of around 6 weeks with disgust by the idea of having sex. he moved to a different appartment a couple weeks ago and it's been hard to meet him, something always happens and he has to cancel. i'm not sure where we stand (in the sense of: does he still want to see me?, because i have no romantic attraction to him) but i think the lack of sexual encounters with him plus a lot of free time (vacations) led me to once again seek sex with strangers. since about a month ago i have seen strangers on 3 different ocasions. the first two were not ideal since they were strangers, but they were people who respected me and with whom i felt pleasure and whom i wanted to see again. the last occasion, from which i have just returned, involved me encountering a couple of men twice my age which i had been texting for some time. I don't know why i insist on men who are so much older than me. there is usually no connection and they clearly assume a position of power which leads me to do some things i don't want. for example, today was terrible and i didn't leave when it was just bad. one of them was clearly not happy with my presence and the other one made advances at me in ways i had clearly asked him not to. i did not find them very attractive and i wish i had had the will power to just leave, but i felt this power bigger than me pressuring me to stay. i did not do drungs although he was so vehement about it as to put a bottle of the substance under my nose and me having to remove my entire head sidewards not to sniff it. he wouldn't accept no for an answer. also, he hurt me while penetrating me (another thing which i di although i don't like it) and kept biting me after i told him it only caused me pain and absolutely no pleasure. what made me take the decision to leave was when he literally farted on my face, or even my mouth, and i'm pretty sure it's because of the damn drug because i have never had it happen to me before. i was profoundly disgusted by it (as most people would be able to relate), but i am not so upset about it as i am with the fact that i went there. anyway, i pretended my blood pressure dropped and left after doing a little drama. my roommate is not here so the loneliness makes me more prone to taking bad decisions. i feel now disgusted and ashamed, ;the latter because i feel humiliated whenever something bad happens to me. I am posting...

[ Continued ]

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i told my mother i was abused

Permanent Linkby wasp_rainbowarrior on Wed Aug 29, 2018 6:27 pm

2 days ago my mother asked if i was gay and i told her no. i probably am, but i don't have that totally figured out yet. but something clicked inside me and i realized that she was prepared to hear whatever i had to say. so i booked an hour with my therapist to talk about it.
yesterday i woke up for therapy and i had dreamed that a small child with very sexual behavior approached my and some friends. i realized she was possessed by a demon and began to recite hail marys in latin to cast the demon off. then an actual devil grabbed me from my back and tried to stop me. it was dressed in a big white cloth all around its body and have a face like it was made of stone. i grabbed its garment and pushed the devil to the ground so that it would fall out of its cloth and everyone would see it for the devil it was. but it disappeared and i was only left with the cloth in my hands. when i woke up i realized that the only way to exorcize the devil that haunts my inner child was by exposing it. then i went to see my therapist. she was all in favour of me telling my mother about my abuse (i've written about it on my first entries). we booked a session for today.

my mother was very shocked and angry at my cousin who abused me (he's fortunately dead nowadays). we could talk about why i hid it from everyone and how it had affected me. obviously i didn't go into any details about the horror that my sex life is (that's really only my business). we also talked about who he was (a distinctly perverse person ever since he was a child) and she could talk about her anger and about her feeling guilty for not protecting me enough, although i told her she couldn't possibly imagine he was THAT perverse, nor keep an eye on me all the time. until now i'm feeling a little dissociated and it's hard for me to process that i finally told her. she has an individual appointment with my therapist tomorrow to talk about it.

i'm hoping that now some part of my relationship with my mother, that i closed myself to due to the fact that i was hiding an enormous secret can finally come to life. i'm considering talking to my father as well. i believe he should know since my abuser belonged to his part of the family.

now i'm feeling a lot of the anger i've felt before coming back. i'm beginning to remember some small things my uncle (the father of the abuser) said to me when i was younger. for example, he used to criticize me because i had long hair and he said that was for ladies. or how his family now treats my abuser as a saint just because he died. or how my aunt, his wife, probably noticed when i came to talk to her with my pants half down after "playing" with my cousin, but didn't have the courage to make assumptions about her son. these things are coming back and infuriating me. i feel this anger might be the energy i need to tell my father. but for now all i want is to leave it be for a while. this secret has consumed so much of my energy for the past years... now i think i deserve a break.

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it's been a little more than a year

Permanent Linkby wasp_rainbowarrior on Sat Aug 18, 2018 12:52 am

since my grandmother's death. i think it's the first "normal" event of significance in my life. i was the only one to visit her grave. i went there alone, put a memorial on top of her grave and prayed. i also read a poem, the same poem i read on her funeral. this time i could finally process the fact that she is not there anymore and that her body lied under my feet. it was the conclusion of a one-year long mourning period during which the biggest part of my soul was asleep.

i feel i can finally go back to truly appreciating life. i have lost many things, but i can appreciate what i have. i'm going to leave my country in a month and it seems that my life has been purposedly much more intense as to give closure to everything that is still open. sometimes i feel like i'm preparing to a funeral, but i'm really happy about my decisions. sometimes i still feel some compulsions, but i've accepted that it will keep happening on some degree until the day i die.

i don't think i deserve all the good things that are happening to me, nor that i have caused them. it just happened that i'm well. i'm learning to appreciate it as god's work. i would exchange every sexual pleasure for living like this forever.

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