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wasp_rainbowarrior
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- December 2019
the fire in my eyes has burned down like coals...
   Sun Dec 29, 2019 11:56 pm

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i gave in again

Permanent Linkby wasp_rainbowarrior on Thu Jan 12, 2017 8:00 pm

som about an hour after i said i wouldn't give in, i'm giving in. online on a sex chat right now, feeling sad about it, nobody interesting, full of people who are even worse than me. i'm probably going to close the chat windows soon and feel that "ok, i got over it, now i'm ok", but i will continue to feel a subtle need of getting in it again - or i can't concentrate on anything else. i might repeat this a couple times today, it will probably end up with me masturbating in front of a webcam to some stranger i don't actually find attractive after talking to 10 different guys who bored the $#%^ out of me. then feeling miserable and drained afterwards, and guilty, since my week-long effort not to do it went down the drain and once again i went against my religion - which is not imposed on me, since i'm the only person in my family who professes it, but rather chosen by me in the belief that it's actually true even though i can't follow it. to sum it up - i'll feel unhappy. writing about it helps, but not that much. i just want to have it written so i can talk about it with my psychotherapist later. couldn't even sleep properly from yesterday to today - something i've never had before, so something must be changing. let's be hopeful.

you see me trying to climb on this pole, but i'm just hiding the pain that's deep in my soul.
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Re: i gave in again

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Fri Jan 13, 2017 4:42 am

I feel very similar to this, sometimes. Hugs!
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