for the past days, weeks, i'd say even months, i've been feeling less and less inclined towards meeting strangers for sex. since september only once have i really attempted to meet someone (which didn't work out because as i was about to leave my house i discovered i had a mysterious bleeding on my private parts - thanks, bleeding?) and really, i'm not even having to make any effort not to go out and f*** strangers. the thing is, i still feel this powerful, almost always present urge to look for guys to meet and have sex with. basically i just enter a local chat of guys who want sex and wait for someone to talk to me. i talk to them provocatively, seduce them, add them on skype for a webcam show sometimes - without any intention whatsoever of meeting them. usually i just block them afterwards or never answer again. sometimes i feel like meeting one of them - always someone that is not online or can't answer my desires because of another reason, but if the person i want to meet becomes available i stop wanting to meet them. i really miss the thrill, the excitement of when someone came talking to me and sending me nudes on sex apps. from that part i took real pleasure - even though actual sex did nothing good for me and i usually felt disgusted with myself or even suicidal afterwards. i am haunted by a desire that per definition cannot be fulfilled. i know it gets worse - i've been pretty worse - but why can't i just be a normal person, or even live in celibate like i wanted to? why does it seem like i don't know what makes me feel alive anymore, except for sex?

Don't beat yourself up too hard, sweet pea.

I think it's probably very common, that is everything leading up the sex itself, is what provides the most thrill.

No, random sex isn't an idea thing to pursue, but it's not worth being suicidal, sweets. We're only human.

Have you read Just Jeff's blog, here? He is the most determined, tenacious, recovering sex addiction survivor that I've seen on here. He challenges me to do better against acting out. And no, he's not perfect, but quit isn't in his lexicon, and that's what inspires me.

Thanks, Snaga, I'm reading just jeff's blog right now.

i have never seriously considered suicide, even though i have sometimes thought "maybe death is the only thing that will make it go away" when i first started to have sex with strangers (i started off really bad and got progressively better). not because i didn't approve of my actions or so, but really because after i orgasmed i felt really, really bad, especially if performed something sexual after orgasm (like when i reached orgasm before my partner). however, i would say i'm pretty well now compared to how i was 2 years ago (recovering from an std i caught from a guy who started completely ignoring me after i told him he had an std).

maybe i'll start a journal like jeff's, let's see

Hugs...