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how sex slowly turned me into a monsterlast year i almost had a boyfriend. we had a complicated relationship and he didn't really understand or care about my issues relating to abuse and sex. i didn't really like the things he said in general and he spoke way too much. he was really narcissistic and arrogant (so am i, but 2 people like that cant get along). but he was really madly in love with me. i really miss his devotion and affection (and the great sex we had) even though i don't miss the rest of it at all. sometimes, like now, i begin thinking of him and about trying once more. but the truth is, even if i managed to convince myself that i love him, i just love the things he gave me. this is so selfish of me. even when we were together, i was with a man who loved me even though i didn't love him back, feeding on his affection. i feel really tempted on calling him again, even if that would only make him suffer in exchange for a couple moments of my pleasure. i can't let myself do this. he told me that for more than 10 years he hadn't fallen in love for anyone except for me. yet i want to take this human being and use for sex. i guess that's what they mean when they say sadism and masochism are two sides of the same thing. even though i'm often used by others, i have a talent for using them myself. my life would be so much better if i could just exclude sex from it.
you see me trying to climb on this pole, but i'm just hiding the pain that's deep in my soul.
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