i'm writing this as a guy asked me to go to his place and i'll write this when i come back. i don't want to do this but i feel that doing this will somehow distance me further from it. i will probably enjoy it sexually since i already know the guy (i'm gonna meet him for the third time), but i feel it will tear me apart on the inside. i will talk to the father at my church about my behaviour tomorrow and i don't even know what i'll tell him. i really don't think he will understand anything about why i do this and will probably judge me and reccomend something useless and refuse to give me baptism since i cultivate sin as a habit. well, here i go.

i came back a few hours ago. i didn't like how he treated me. i was actually afraid he would rape me at the beginning. as on the first night i met him, but not the second, i felt used. i got no pleasure whatsoever. i could not bring myself to orgasm and i told him it was because of my medication. i was genuinely disgusted for the most part of it and i'm having one of those moments when i wish i had no sexuality. i do feel i have now pushed sex away from me for some time.

something that has been making me very upset is the fact that a friend is still upset with me from when i ditched him some time ago (i wrote about him on mt post "carnaval", feb 28, 2017). i gave him some relationship advice on how to get rid of a guy who wants a relationship with him but whom he's not interested in and apparently he believes that what i told him to do is what i did to him before, when i actually got away from him because of all my issues with sex - which i have told him about, but i guess he thinks i'm #######4 him. i just wanted him to understand that even if i did wrong to him at first, pushing him away from me afterwards was undoubtedly the best thing i could have done to spare him from all the $#%^ that hit the fan shortly after.