i did not give in to my impulse of installing hook-up apps on my phone and it eventually went away, thank god - that would be REALLY destructive for me since i carry my phone with me all the time. a couple weeks ago i was watching a gay-themed humour video and they played the sound of an app i used to be a heavy user of - the psychological effect a simple beep had on me was devastating, i immediately felt euphoric, out of control and scared at the same time.

but a couple things these last days contributed to increasing my urges - shirtless guys on the street, checking old things on my message history (lots of old sex partners there) and this one video of a guy dancing. a couple hours ago i gave in and went into a sex chat room. impersonal as always - seduced some guys i had no intention of meeting, eventually found one who wanted cam sex and that was my excuse to start masturbating, eventually i realized his presence made me feel less pleasure, so i closed the chat window and finished with a relatively good orgasm - that didn't really make me feel any better than before (i actually wasn't feeling bad before entering the "sex dream" state of consciousness). i have honestly considered physical castration, but i suppose that would not be approved by the catholic church. anyway, at least i found out that there are guys who are castrated and fine out there - although for reasons very different than mine, usually to more fully enjoy their kinks. exactly now thinking about their kinks made me aroused. and i am so tired i'm practically sleeping in front of the screen. i just wanted my life to be like la la land, but outside the music nothing's beautiful in it.