i just read this article on huffpost about psychological issues with gay men and started thinking about my own past - how i was shamed by my brothers because i preferred female characters on video games, and how my mother kept telling me all the time that i should behave more manly - one of the few things i remember thinking a lot about as i was a child - how after that i felt inferior to other people because i was effeminate and became super arrogant and agressive so that no one would dare mess with me. even today i feel as if i'm stuck in a mask i've created a long time ago - that of an evil boy who didn't like anyone and was ready to be really mean at the mere sign of rejection. i did get out of school without being bullied, but at a very high cost. i still wonder whether i'd be gay if i hadn't been sexually abused, but i was never manly even before the abuse took place. my closest group of friend doesn't know i'm gay, nor does anyone from my family. i feel REALLY unhappy about the fact that i'll probably never marry a woman and start a family, but between being a sexually active gay and growing old in celibate i'd still go for the latter. i have no friends i can talk about this with because i'm not that close to any man - let alone another gay man who doesn't have his head so full of politically correctness that he would try and educate me instead of listening.

i deleted my profile in the hookup app 2 days ago and yesterday i installed a game which i was addicted to in a matter of a few hours. i already deleted it today but i still don't know what to do with my free time. i've basically done nothing all day and all i wanted to do was sleep and wake up happy. the only useful thing i'm doing is reading the book i mentioned a couple posts ago, but i still feel this huge anxiety all the time that prevents me from spending too much time in it. good news is that i don't want to have sex with strangers even though i'm depressed. i am feeling sexual desires but they are not compulsive and actually pleasurable (even though i choose not to act on them because i know what that does to me). i still haven't called the psychiatrist because of the holidays but i will definitely do it tomorrow.

I feel similarly, I think- from wondering what I would be without the small amount of abuse I underwent, to not being very politically correct about the whole thing. Not being pushy but feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to.

thank you, it's nice to know you're there. i'm going through a very dynamic phase right now - i went to the psychiatrist today and took some exams and next week i'll go again and he'll tell me the results. i have a really good feeling about the whole thing so my mood today is much better

I'm glad you're doing better

Like you, I'm not happy in my orientation, while simultaneously knowing that, if offered a magic pill to take it away, I wouldn't do it.

I believe I would definitely take the pill. I am happy with most things in my life but my sexuality. Too bad the pill doesn't exist.

For me, my convoluted bisexuality is a constant source of angst, and has been an issue since I was 13- 40 years, now. I lean heavily hetero romantic but I crave sex with a guy.

It's nothing I'd wish on my worst enemy. Even though I constantly torture myself over it, I know that I would not take a pill, not without mourning the death of myself. I hate having the same sex attraction, but at the same time feel as if being completely straight would be dull and dreary. The idea of liking only one sex is foreign to me. If I took that pill, I'd feel as if I were killing off part of what makes me, me.

So while I hate it, it's indisputably part of me.