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train of thought *TRIGGER WARNING*

Permanent Linkby star dust on Sat Dec 13, 2014 3:52 pm

I was watching Kurt Cobain and was thinking about how he killed himself and decided to google his death date. I know, silly thing to do. Anyway, I saw that he left a suicide note so I decided to look at it, probably shouldn't have done, but I was curious.
And I related to it so much. But now I feel suicidal. I'm not going to kill myself.
But I'm having thoughts like, maybe the reason why I can't just get on and function in life is because I was already supposed to kill myself and I'm just resisting what is meant to be for me.

It's a highly triggering note. I don't recommend you read it, especially if you are easily triggered. Although, I know saying this will make you curious too. If you do just make sure you're prepared. Just don't do it.
I just found it so relatable. How he wants to feel that passion again, but he can't. How he wants to fully appreciate what he has but no matter how hard he tries, he can't.

Yesterday I was so full of energy and motivation. I just bounced around all day and couldn't stop dancing. Or talking. I started making plans, and I believed I could achieve them. I felt possibilities all around me. Today, crash. It's always the way.
I can never sustain that high long enough to actually achieve anything. It's usually just flipped into a horrible low. So I feel like what's the point. I'm never gunna be able to do anything in life. I lack everything. I even lack a real personality, I'm just an empty person who morphs into other people.

And I hate people. I feel like the world is just full of people who are only out for themselves and will just inevitably leave me or let me down in the end.
I feel like, I've lost it. I hold on to hope that I will one day be able to achieve all that I used to think I was capable of. But I just feel maybe I am just delaying the inevitable.
I feel guilty even typing all of this out. I feel like I will never matter unless I achieve my ultimate goals and dreams. I want to be a musician and an artist and a performer and be really successful at it. Or even if I'm not entirely successful, I want to just be happy with what I create. But I also do desire great fame. I've always felt like the only way I will ever matter is if I become famous and highly successful. And I still believe it. I don't think it will ever go away.

Most people would say that's why I'm so unhappy because I have much too high expectations of myself. But it's not. I think I could be happy without fame if I could just at least be myself, and do what I feel is there in me to do. Stop the emptiness, stop the mood swings, stop going crazy every day. But that belief is ingrained in me. It's never going to go away. I just feel as if it's what I'm meant to do and if I don't then my purpose is not going to be met.
But sometimes I feel like, really I don't even desire any of that anymore. I feel like I have no desires. Totally numb and empty. I don't want to live or die. I don't want to remain here in agony, but I also don't want to do anything.

I feel I am a totally flawed person. I feel like god gave me gifts and talents. But he also gave me too much $#%^. And the $#%^ just destroys the gifts and talents. And they are wasting away and fading away and soon they will be nothing. I don't even believe that they are there anymore. I don't even know. I hardly sing, I haven't been on a stage in years, I never write music.

And then I think well maybe what I thought was my purpose isn't. But then why is it the only thing I can think of that would give me any happiness. I don't want to settle and just accept that I can't do what I really really want to do. Set 'realistic' goals. Just accept a mediocre life, a $#%^ job, get a boyfriend, marry, settle down, have kids, get a mortgage. uhhhh. If I could even do that. I couldn't even achieve that successfully. I might be able to pull it off for a short period if I really wanted to. But then the issues would catch up with me and make sure it all went to $#%^. Because the real me would just come out and screw everything up.

But even if I could, I think I would rather die. It's never interested me.
I've not long turned 24 though, so still young, although old enough that a lot of my old 'friends' have now got married or have babies. I just don't get it. I still feel far too young to get married or have babies. I still feel like a child. I don't get how they can be the same age as me and be so responsible and grown up.
Sometimes I look at people who I see as adults, and I look up to them and think how mature they are. And then I find out they are the same age as me. And that messes me up.

How can I function in the real world? How can I ever function? I am trying and trying and hoping everything will one day change but it never does. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am already dead but I just don't realise it. Sometimes I feel like years of my life have been a bad dream and I may wake up soon. And then I realise it isn't a dream.
Sometimes I feel like I wake up. And I look at everything and go 'woooaaahhh!!!!' and then I feel restless wanting to do so much and achieve so much it makes my head start to hurt trying to do it all. I pace around like a mad woman because I can't believe how I've been living. So much to do, so little time. But that doesn't last long and then the depression returns.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I am into a lot of 'positive thinking' stuff. The spiritual laws of the Universe. And the idea that your thoughts create your reality. That you can achieve absolutely anything you want. That there are mystical forces at work in the universe and if you know how and believe, then there's nothing you can't do. Reading that stuff has saved my life. If I didn't find it, I'm not sure where I would be right now. The hope it gives me.

I have been trying for years to be my own life coach, my own spiritual guru and my own psychologist. I think, I don't need therapy or to see a 'professional' mental health worker. I can figure everything out on my own. I know better than they do, I understand the world better than they do.
I don't ######6 know. Do I or don't I? If I do then why am I so ######6 miserable and dysfunctional?
Right now I feel so ######6 empty inside. So empty. I see and feel nothing but emptiness.
I can't type anymore.

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Re: train of thought *TRIGGER WARNING*

Permanent Linkby annahawk on Fri Feb 05, 2016 1:37 am

You say you don't need therapy or to see a professional mental health worker. Yet, you are miserable. You've obviously tried very hard to work out your own issues without success. That tells me it's time for professional help. I am not a psychiatrist, but when someone has a day full of energy and can't stop dancing and then they plunge into depression, it sounds like bipolar disorder. If that is the case, medicine would remove the highs and lows as well as the high expectations of yourself. Then you could accomplish what you were meant to do. Right now you're just caught in a pointless loop. I see only one way to change it. Medicine. Best of luck in your decision.
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