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HowardCL
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Accepting Myself For Who and What I am!
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My Blog and Who I am [TRIGGER]

Permanent Linkby HowardCL on Sun Jan 05, 2014 6:04 pm

My name is Howard (well not really but here it is) and I am an exclusive Pedophile which if you don't know means that I am attracted exclusively to just young children. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Unlike what people think or say about pedophiles I am not socially retarded and can have normal conversations with adults and get along great with normal adult conversations and relationships. The only way that I am different from majority of society is that I prefer children over adults sexually.

I have served time for my acts against children and I served 10 years in prison for multiple crimes against children, mostly young boys and a few young girls as well. I am not proud of the actions that I had done against children but they did happen and I have learned from them. I am not perfect in any sort of way and I honestly I don't feel like I am a victim either like most professionals say that child molesters are. I have accepted the fact that I am a child sex offender and that I will be hated by people in society for the rest of my life and I accept that.

My sexuality didn't change when I was in prison, I was still attracted to children when I was inside and I am still attracted to children now and maybe more than I was before I went to prison. My parents and my family all know that I am a Pedophile and some have accepted it and some havent because I have hurt some children in my family as well. I honestly feel like I was born this way and I feel guilty for the children that I have hurt sexually but I don't feel guilty about being a pedophile anymore, its just who and what I am.

I struggle every single day in society and sometimes I wish that I was back in prison. I felt like I was pretty lucky in prison because I was put in general pop for the first two years and people found out what I did and I was raped and stabbed and so many other things that is expected when you are someone that is lower than $#%^ in prison. Then the rest of my time I was put in a child sex offender unit where I got some therapy and we had group settings where people would talk about there crimes and get everything out.

The group sessions were very hard for me because when I would hear about what other men did to children I would get extremely aroused about it and found it very erotic. We weren't allowed toi have a cellmate in the unit because they didn't want us sharing our crimes with other sex offenders and masturbating about it even though I masturbated about everything that had to do with children all the time.

I would say that out of all the inmates in that unit that perhaps only 20% were true pedophiles and I was one of 6 that were perhaps exclusive pedophiles. I have never had sexual relations with other adults or my own peers except for being raped while I was in prison when I really didn't have a choice in the matter. Well anyway I will talk more about my experiences in other posts, just wanted to do a basic intro
Last edited by jilkens on Tue Jan 07, 2014 5:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: My Blog and Who I am [TRIGGER]

Permanent Linkby VoA_bliss on Tue Sep 01, 2015 5:46 am

Thank you for sharing about your experience. I am a pedophile as well and have not offended. It is a daily battle, though. It sounds like you are at peace with your pedophilia. I am as well. You don't like what you did, but understand that we are born like this and cannot change it. I have been married, but we are separated now due some to this issue.

I wish you luck in your struggles. Prison does not sound like a fun place. Some of the experiences you relayed sound like how I would react.
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Re: My Blog and Who I am [TRIGGER]

Permanent Linkby Starfire_777 on Tue Sep 15, 2015 6:01 am

Thanks for sharing your story, Howard.

Damn, prison sounds like it was a harsh place for you. Of course, I know their opinion about child sex offenders, but I'm curious now about a few things...

How were you able to get by for 2 whole years? What was the story you told them until they found out?

How did they find out the truth?
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Re: My Blog and Who I am [TRIGGER]

Permanent Linkby spott1207 on Thu Dec 03, 2015 10:57 pm

I also thank you for opening up and sharing.

I am a pedophile as well, but not exclusive. On the boards I've learned that I'm more of a hepephile, with a dash of pedophilia added in.

We have similarities and differences. I was also in prison, but very, very fortunately for me, I went on my second charge of possession (see my blog). I served 24 of a 36 mo sentence in a facility the was 'almost' exclusively sex offenders. We never spoke of anything outside of group and many were in denial, or not admitting what their crime was. The cool thing for me was, as soon as I got in I met up with very nice people. A statement one guy, who was a lifer, said "we're all here on a crime. It doesn't really matter what the crime is, just that it's a crime that everyone in here has to d their time." Finding good people made my time much better... But I've heard that stories.

Now as far as the hepe/pedophilia thing... It's never been mentioned in prison, or in my 1+ years of aftercare. I've succumb to the fact and only really admitted it here (and maybe one other guy I've met who has his own, different paraphilias. Admitting this in my current group, or even worst, to my CCO. I dunno... I'd rather tell her I'm gay...

So congratulations to you for recognizing and controlling your issues head on. Thanks for posted what you did, when you did.

Be strong,

Spott
"While the person who commits suicide dies only once, the loved ones left behind often die a thousand deaths wondering why." - Anonymous
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