I am only just really getting used to these littles. Sometimes looking after the littles seems to take over. It sometimes feels like it is making things worse rather than better.
This week me and my SO flew to Bruges. The flight attendant came round with the inflight sales magazine. I really wanted some wine gums, had been craving them so looked at the sweet page. On the bottom of the sweet page was an advert for a 'Lucky Bag'. I kept looking at it, it was triggering something but I didn't realise what. Then the internal dialogue started, it was the negotiating. There are no wine gums but there are chewy sweets. We can't have the fizzy ones because they are not good for the littles so how about we get the none fizzy ones and a piece of cake. Can I have a lucky bag? Ok if they have a lucky bag we will get that and then we can also have the fizzy sweets. If no lucky bag then the none fizzy sweets and a piece of cake. Then there was a worry that if there was no lucky bag then we would be crying. I notice my SO looking at me with some concern and I can hear a Little person trying to ask the flight lady for a Lucky Bag and handing over a purse to my SO saying 'this has got some pounds in, it doesn't matter if they don't have a lucky bag we won't cry' the little person is pointing at the picture of the lucky bag in the magazine. The flight attendant is struggling to understand, the little person pointing at a picture, 'I want the pink one'. I am feeling distressed I take my right hand and pinch my left ear lobe hard - I feel nothing. I give myself a sharp slap across my face. I am back, I explain internally that we can't be out on a plane we can play with the bag later. I ask my SO to put the pink lucky bag in her bag. I feel like I have just been transported back from another dimension, am uncertain of how long I have been away, I think it was just minutes but am unsure. Then the tears start.
Fast forward 2 days. I am in a market place, there is a Christmas song playing. Suddenly there are lots of tears, jump, on a bus there is a Christmas song playing there are lots of tears, jump, we are in the airport I speak to a man in French he is dismissive of me, we are suddenly feeling shame, we are eating lots of sweets, we need to eat sweets. We are back home in a pub. My SO says to me are you happier now you are back home? I reply not really (I had been dreading coming home) she says well today has been weird - all that crying and stuffing your face with sweets. I am aware that I am looking blank. I can't connect with this crying person. SO 'Was that you or are you just avoiding talking about it?' I still have no reply because I don't know. I can not see through the fog I can only see what is now. It does concern me that my SO is struggling with this. She wants M to disappear. She doesn't like the tears and the anxiety.
I am learning about triggers. The littles get overexcited at times and I am struggling to control this, it was the Lucky Bag on this occasion and being given permission to have something nice. M it would seem is triggered by Christmas music and also a particular tone of male voice. It was about 12 months ago that we tripped out completely for several hours after being handed a large bill for a car repair by a very dismissive man, ended up in A and E. Where has that 12 months gone. This is exhausting.
PS When we were in Bruges we bought Annie a pink elephant, the lucky bag remains unopened but we know it is there for when we need it.