It started as one. Now there's seven. I never did seven before, usually it was either one two or three but seven? I don't know what triggered it, I was doing so good but then I f*cked it up. Maybe it's bc I'm lonely or that I'm stressing over what I said to potential new friends in college. What if I messed up and said something that offended them.... Just the thought makes guilt eat at me.... Makes me feel pathetic, horrible, ugly, bad.... I hate the idea of hurting someone.... So maybe it was also a punishment for myself for all the stupid things I most likely said... Idk. But i feel better now... Numb but better. At least for a while, hopefully.

A couple steps back doesnt mean you have to give up. I still get the urge sometimes. Just as you said. Sometimes people want to punish themselves. But I think a harsher punishment is staying with those feelings. Maybe Im a weirdo, though. Dont mind me