Lately I’ve been working on being more open about my problems.

I mention how I feel bad, not being able to make small talk. That I understand how it looks to people on the outside, that I’m just stuck-up, mean, or stupid. But I’m not; I simply can’t think of anything to say, and everything I do say I don’t find very interesting.

I don’t know why I’m trying to explain myself. It never helps.

They look very uncomfortable. Their eyes widen in fear. Their mouths curl in disgust.

They play their old tunes, “Just relax and be yourself.” They laugh. “I can’t.” I reply, “Myself is quiet and doesn’t know how to talk. How can I meet new people and have them like me if I just stare at my hands?” “…….” Awkward shuffle away from me.

This new guy at work told me I’m like his daughter, never says a word. I told him I do feel bad and I admire people who can talk. “Yeah, it really sucks being with people who never say a word. Makes everything awkward. It’s like you can’t wait to get away from them.” That’s what he told me.

So when someone tells me how much everyone cares about me and would be hurt if I wasn’t around at least I have one person that was willing to be honest.

And yet you converse so well, here... not the same thing I know- I find this a lot easier and I suspect most people do- but still... if only there were a way of taking this and applying it to the verbal word.....