so, i stopped feeling sick and shaky but i'm still tired all day from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed. i could easily stay in bed all day. i am somehow managing to do the things i HAVE to, even though i'm not being exactly productive. i was feeling ok for the last days but today depression hit me. i forced myself to practice music and was able to make some progress, but i couldn't play without stopping all the time to feel awful. all my muscles feel so fatigued right now even though i didn't do any exercise. i have a neverending feeling of needing to stretch.

i've been flirting with a guy from my music school. even though i do not exactly crave sex (i don't even know when i last masturbated, and last time i tried i couldn't bring myself to orgasm) i can't resist to flirting with him. sometimes i wonder if i do that to feel desired. plus this semester i'm taking classes with a new teacher. a male teacher. i haven't left my previous teacher but now i only have 1 lesson per week with her. last time after my class with the new teacher i noticed i was feeling bad and that i didn't like being around him even though he is nice and says great things and i learn a lot from him. i'm pretty sure it's because he's a man. given that i might go live abroad in a year to study with a male teacher, i guess i should solve this. why is it that i just can't stand men in any way that is not sexual?

Do you think it's because you feel conflict about your sexuality? Or resentment?

i guess resentment. i've been like this since i was a child. i used to reject most things associated with masculinity from a very young age and be friends with pretty much just girls. and that's when i had no idea what sexual attraction even was.

As a young child, my friends were mixed pretty evenly. As a teenager, males mostly. Then as an adult, more girls than guys, and now in middle age it's back to about even, I suppose.

While I fancy I can fake it pretty well, I often feel a bit uncomfortable and out of place in the company of males, despite my own same sex sexual attractions. A sense of not fitting in, that comes and goes.

i'm always uncomfortable around men. around straight men i feel like an outsider and around gay men i feel this pressure to be something i'm not. i just hate the way the entirety of men socialize, i guess.