flashbacks..
those fun little moments in my day that sneak up on me just when everything is good and i'm happy -
i really don't have the emotional energy to keep fighting this - and i feel dumb for feeling miserable and like i have no right to be..
Today i've felt like i've been on the worst.. blah, can't even think of an analogy i'm that tired.
I've laughed, i've cried.. literally just wept like a kid - but you know, why do i even use that term? 'wept like a kid..'' - or ''cried like a baby''.. who decided that people aren't allowed to have feeling when they get to adulthood anyway?
What a mess.. not me; well, okay - yes.. i feel like a mess.. i am a mess but tomorrow morning, i'll get out of bed and start a new day - sleep would probably be a good start though.. hardly surprising that my flashbacks are hitting so hard if i'm not sleeping properly.
I feel stupid and dirty and need a bath and a good nights sleep.. twistedly funny, i couldn't have cared less about being clean as a kid,, all i wanted and could think about was how to get enough food to get through the day.. i flashed back today to the kid i once was - waiting after school until all the other kids had gone home so i could go through the wastebin hanging just outside the entrance - it was unbelievable to me that people would throw food away.. I feel sick now thinking about the stuff i ate.. and so so ashamed of it as well.. i used to pick half eaten apples out of the bin and finish them - i remember peeling a squashed sweet off the floor one day and eating it.. i'd done it tons of times before but this time it tasted awful and i had to spit several times until the nasty taste went away and it was anywhere near edible..
I got caught once - a woman down the road from my parents must have been watching out of her window as i picked an apple core off the ground and inspected it - brushing off the tiny pieces of gravel.. she opened her front door and told me i shouldn't eat it,, it was dirty and if i was hungry she had a bag of crisps she could give me.. I was too ashamed to take them and just told her that i wasn't going to eat the aplle, i was just looking at it - i know she probably didn't believe me - as i walked away, i didn't regret not taking the crisps - i wanted to be invisible and her to not have seen me, but i did want that apple core and hated having to drop it back on the ground..
I can remember so much today - i wish i couldn't..
i wish i'd been able to speak.