Another long blog; What Im learning; The stuff I would have learned with my father in safe spaces; I have to learn on my own; And that is the problem and the grievance and the pain, Im working with God to get used to the fact my father is not here and will not be here to help; and that almost kills me…. My hope of that. And the safe places and spaces concerning learning bout women.. Ill have to trust God; but I am moving forward with all of this. its just that Im trying to learn with out any involvement with women because Im not stupid enough to get involved where I would get hurt. Im trying to learn; practice run. Ive taken out plenty of women to coffee; but non that I liked. The women I talk about in this blog are women I was in love with or potential girlfriends I chickened out of being with.
.
I do chicken out.
One women I was interested in; I got her phone number but never sat down with her to tell her I was interested in her more then friends; so Im not perfect. I fact; that is way way over my head; I really is. I dont like to admit it but its way way way over my head I mean; Id have to have a couple of years hanging with the guys and growing a bit to get to that point. Ive got non of that; growing with anyone. I dont trust anyone; so I have to work on this stuff the best I can with Gods help; but things are starting to appear; all of the talking in the meetings and the latest writing of blogs and the commenting and posting in FB groups; its all helping; all of it; to bring me to the next level of reality; to bring me back to reality. and its working; but I have to rely on God for the next round.
Women are always brought up in my blogs and always will be; nothing hits home more than the dysfunction created by my trauma when interacting with women.
.
Im always playing safe instead to protect and end up living like a reject.
.
Im starting to get it; Im scared. I don't want to get hurt.
.
When it comes to women
Either I find the right kind of women
I talk to the women I already know
I take a chance with the women I already now by telling them the truth.
I have to get in touch with the truth so Im not afraid of telling them the truth.
I have to ask them out
I cant keep taking their inventory to make sure their safe; they always flunk; I might as well just buy a porn channel because if I expect to be right; I'll never be happy....
Happiness over being right,. But I want to be safe.
.
Work with God on how I see women; O My; This is a big can a shark shreds... shredded shark please with your coral diet...
.
Looking at my role in it. Im convinced that at some point after looking at my role in things; I'll give a women a chance and I'll open up to her and tell her whats going on and try it for 90 days.
Work with God on visualization. I have to work things out; I cut things off before I get committed to things. I have to work on this fear; I wanted women to mother me so I would not have to go through this. But God stopped all that. I think God stopped it because those women wanting to mother me would also like to mother someone better then me; if someone better than me came along to mother. A more attractive deal. So; I'll move on. And they proved me right every time; I was of interest but not that much interest that they couldn't find the same thing in someone better…. But God sent them? did they go to another man because he was better or because they had felt they lost me and gave up? How do I find out; or do I not find out and move on; or is it my problem for not responding to them immediately.
.
Either way; I have to work on all this stuff.
.
I have asked out women who I thought were safe; but they had men in their lives already and I noticed at the end of the conversations; they were stuck on themselves and treated me inferior; but I did it because God wanted me to.... He didn't use words; just a feeling that that was the right time for me...
.
I have all...
[ Continued ]