Whole of my life I know that I am unique. Since I was 7 years old I can feel that I am always out of place from other children. I can't feel any deep connection. I was just always quiet and shy.
My situation at home is that I have a parents whose having an incredibly expectation from me since I was always in 1st section in the class. My mother is always spoiling me(also having codependency tendency), my father will never listen to anyone aside from himself and always having a rough words(narcissistic tendency) and I have a big brother who I think having autism with narcissistic personality disorder who is a big bully in my life that always abuse me physically and verbally.

My brother abuse me a lot verbally(threatening, bullying, devaluing) almost everyday since I was 13 I already used silent treatment in our relationship till now that I was 20. Thanks a lot since he moved to other place now.

When I was 16 and I am in college I went far away from home to study in university. This is the time that I can really conclude that I have something inside of me. I became so depressed, but I don't want to commit suicide. All of the characteristics of covert narcissists I did.



___ I can become entirely absorbed in thinking about my personal affairs, my health, my cares or my relations to others.
___ My feelings are easily hurt by ridicule or the slighting remarks of others.
___ When I enter a room I often become self-conscious and feel that the eyes of others are upon me.
___ I dislike sharing the credit of an achievement with others.
___ I feel that I have enough on my hand without worrying about other people's troubles.
___ I feel that I am temperamentally different from most people.
___ I often interpret the remarks of others in a personal way.
___ I easily become wrapped up in my own interests and forget the existence of others.
___ I dislike being with a group unless I know that I am appreciated by at least one of those present.
___ I am secretly "put out" or annoyed when other people come to me with their troubles, asking me for their time and sympathy.
___ I am jealous of good-looking people.
___ I tend to feel humiliated when criticized.
___ I wonder why other people aren't more appreciative of my good qualities.
___ I tend to see other people as being either great or terrible.
___ I sometimes have fantasies about being violent without knowing why.
___ I am especially sensitive to success and failure.
___ I have problems that nobody else seems to understand.
___ I try to avoid rejection at all costs.
___ My secret thoughts, feelings, and actions would horrify some of my friends.
___ I tend to become involved in relationships in which I alternately adore and despise the other person.
___ Even when I am in a group of friends, I often feel very alone and uneasy.
___ I resent others who have what I lack.
___ Defeat or disappointment usually shame or anger me, but I try not to show it.

Link to the above information: http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/23-signs-youe28099re-secretly-a-narcissist-masquerading-as-a-sensitive-introvert/

I will admit. It's like reading my self. . .


last two months ago. While watching youtube I suddenly came up with "How to know a secret narcissists". First I was just having fun but when I literally looked at it. That's me. So I researched it and found the questions above.

Talking of being gifted. I'm not just telling this since I am a narcissists 'cause I literally have evidences that I am a gifted. I take an online IQ test and I range in a gifted person. I also members musical bands, marching band, Rondalla(string instrument players) and I always excel and excellent in this area. I also always competing in chess competition and got 2nd place in national level. And a very good math thinker. I am not telling lies but it's up to you if you will. Since I am an ultimate pathological lair I might lying.

But this is where I am confused since gifted and covert narcissists...

[ Continued ]

Took it around 3pm.

Felt okay, although panic set in and fear started to break me down a bit

4th panic attack of the day half hour after taking my first pill

A little after 6 pm I ordered dinner for BF and I and for some reason I felt like I ordered what we normally ordered and I was wrong, when my BF got home I was already feeling loopy and really couldn't understand why we had different items from the Chinese restaurant we always go to (we are regulars our order always pops up when our phone number is entered into their system)

But I guess I changed it....

Hunan Chicken 2 orders and Sweet and Sour Soup

Defiantly not our usual. I could tell my BF was upset and all I could say was "sorry" I felt so bad and he commented that "That's" why he doesn't take medication to heal he just lets things pass.

My BF a total hard ass , I love him so much but he refuses to help me... Help console me and help me heal. My BF says he can't help me bc he was trained to not be weak to be tough. It's what the military teaches you and after 3 tours to Afghanistan , I've learned to just hide my pain

After we ate we watched a little bit of T.V and he fell asleep and I took a shower.

I stood in front of the mirror and just stared at myself for awhile... I started to cry... I then walked into the shower and just let the water take over...like it was hugging me (weird I know)

I just cried and couldn't understand why. Half hr in the shower and I didn't get to wash my hair I just stood there crying.

I got out and now here I am, writing my first blog


I'm tired but then I'm not. See how tonight goes...

Well, here we are, five days after my last blog post. Where do I begin?

I’ve decided I don’t like my foundation. When I get paid later this week, I’m going to get some liquid foundation in a lighter color.

I’ve found the clothes I’m planning to wear to my next meeting with the gender therapist; I’m waiting until I get paid to go get them. I’ve lost 20 pounds since I started dieting four weeks ago. I may lose around eight more by the time I go to see her, but I’m thinking it won’t make that much of a difference in my skirt size.

I ordered my first bra! From my research, it seemed that I needed something a little harder to find than usually. Once I got the specifications down, I found the bra. I’m getting a 44C, which may be a bit of a stretch at my current weight; but I’ll find a way to squeeze into it. And I bought a set of inserts.

I also ordered a wig. Oh, it looks scrumptious in the pictures! And it’s blonde – I almost can’t believe it myself. I need a floppy hat and sunglasses to complete the ensemble, but I’m afraid they aren’t in the cards. My head is a little large for a ladies’ hat – they make them, but they’re pricey – and if I wear sunglasses I won’t be able to see (I am terribly near-sighted). It wouldn’t do to go crashing into my neighbors in the middle of the day the first time I leave my apartment in women’s wear.

Speaking of feet, I’m going to try to buy a pair of ballet flats, or something like. I may get socks, or I may buy a pair of tights. Leaning toward the tights. My legs are awful at the moment, and I would looove feeling tights next to my skin.

I’m using Revlon Red nail polish. I tried to find Revlon lipstick or lipgloss in the same color; and I finally did: in ENGLAND, also through Amazon. It wasn’t too expensive, but I don’t know if it will arrive in time for my appointment.

And guess what?

I just scheduled my first appointment with a hormone specialist to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT). It’s a month away, but soon I’ll have taken my first big step on the road to bliss. And breasts. And a more feminine presentation; estrogen does additional marvelous things.

I’m trying to find a good, honest laser hair removal technician in my area. So far, not much success. I want to stop shaving, permanently; and I don’t want to have to compensate with makeup for beard shadow.

Well, other than continuing to wear women’s underwear (panties, camis) and painting my lips with gloss when I go walking, I guess I’m still pretty much in stealth mode. I’m not out to any more people, though it’s never far from my mind. I believe I’m feminizing in my speech and manner, though it’s happening slowly and somewhat of its own accord. I prefer that, actually; but it’s so darned slow (girly sigh). I must be patient.

How people got big stones around sometimes seems a mystery. From alien assistance all the way to forcing slaves to role trunks around has been suggested. We need to gather the evidence and see if we can't hunt down the ghost of the evolution of the wheel. I wonder is it so liner or were some kind of caterpillar tracks or mobile tracks ever used and when did someone first think to attach the logs in a way that they continuously went round fixed. Using tracks and a lot of patience the stones for the pyramids could be placed taking the stones along savanna and might have been symbolic of the affluence of the gold routes at the time.

I tell you what I really need, a good rant. I'm quite thankful that I came onto the website and remembered about the little blog thingy.

I haven't eaten anything since Sunday evening. It's now Saturday evening, so that's about 6 days. I felt particularly disgusting and decided for a day that I wasn't going to eat. That was on Monday. Then I thought, y'anno what? I'm losing weight, I feel good, I haven't fainted, and the voices I hear aren't bugging me incessantly. So I thought, I'll go another day. Then it happened again.. my hunger disappeared, my appetite is gone, the thought of food is sending me into the depths of anxiety and now I just can't eat. I'm totally incapable of it. I know it's all psychological. Although you'd think the physical signs such as weakness, dizziness, nearly fainting and nausea would get me to eat something. No. It sucks.

My foster parents can't help me, they can't force feed me (even though they probably want to) and they know that they can't really help right now. Not in the state of mind I'm in right now. It's all escalated since the investigation with my dad started. Now it's just getting beyond a joke. Problem is, no one can get any help for me until Monday. Unless of course I decide to faint on the kitchen floor and wake up in hospital. Surprisingly, that's not appealing to me and I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible.

I've become addicted to weight loss again. I've become addicted to living without full-blown anxiety from being shouted at by voices no one else can hear. I know that logically I am underweight; but I don't feel it. I never have felt underweight. I wish my point of view was the same as everyone else's but it isn't. I don't see my dietician until the 6th. I'm praying and praying that I'll eat something before then or I'm going to be in a sorry state. I don't know why I pray as, tbf, I think God is a figment of imagination created for people who have nothing else left. I mean no offence to anyone who does believe in God. That's just my very strong view. Strangely enough that doesn't stop me respecting other people's views. Strange.

Anyway. Ciao all.

Trix.
xoxo.