Psych forums;
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Moving into a new realm
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A few days ago I found myself in a new realm; it was if I was transformed back into my childhood where I started. But its as if I saw all the bad things I went through; I saw it in a TV movie and I was safe on a couch watching that movie with a blanket over me in a safe house on a nice street. I want to say; its not the same street I originally came from but it is. Its my version and Gods view of that street I lived on and how I wanted to live on it. Its a safe version; and its me and my identity and its the version I need to be the real me; the best me or the authentic me. Its God in charge taking care of me. No one else allowed. Im safely on the other side. I mean; Im still close and there are ruff edges. Ill turn to God about it; the universe and keep working on the manifestation of the kind of life Im interested in. My life is manifesting. Im no longer interested in bad people or what they have to offer and I can turn to God universe for help to bring about the right people and the right life and get away from the wrong one. Or keep the monsters and murder'rs away.
Im now at a place where the people of the past; many that I have talked about in these blogs are past. They are a giant movie screen.
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Sexual abuse when young is still real and scary; Ill have to keep working with the universe on that and some other bullying during the years and recent years; bullying has been happening all my life. As long as my personality has been weak or not able to be present; others have come in and tried to take advantage.
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So; I was bullied when very young and no one cared and this will go until a senior in high school; it will continue at times when Im in my middle or younger 20’s and it continued after high school; it continued when I went to work that summer at a ranch after high school. Horrible disappointment ordeal. Humiliated.
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Ive never been able to defend myself; but I never thought I would be in unsafe situations with creeps of this nature. Never thought about it. Basically criminals.
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So; I have allot to work through and maybe get help from; in order to come out on the other side of all this into a decent human being or experience.
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Ive had to become completely dissociated all my life to survive. Ive missed out on being anything other then hiding in my room my whole life.
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I made the completely unfortunate mistake of making friends with the absolute wrong people when very young and never knowing it; Not knowing it until it was 2 late.
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The miracle of now is; Ive come back to place of protected safety; Im not sure what that means; how about; sobered up.
Im now fully aware of who I was dealing with from the past; just more con artists violators and criminals; thats all any of them where. Its dangerous out here; the world is full of con artists.
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So; Ive come into another realm; its a place where I can become anything I want to. Im not part of the past anymore; Is this complete; well; its a beginning; its real; but Im still overwhelmed by the people who sexually abused me when young; that is still active PTSD and Fear!
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I was being sexually abused and other things from the beginning by these monsters.
Im not fooled anymore; basically; I still see my childhood home and remember; but even that wasnt real. But Ill take parts of it because I believe the time I spent there alone was in good development; we will see.
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However, part of the problem is being fooled by that time period; it all looked so good; but I was being fooled.. I put allot of weight into those times and in reality; I was being used the whole time; atho I made a life out of it. Ill take it to God and see what the universe wants to do with it.
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I think; because I thoroughly understand what I was doing when very young; the universe might allow m...

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You know your life has become (insert your own word of choice here) when you start comparing loo roll. I have the lovely aloe vera stuff at home but at choir today had to make do with NHS cheapo. My body was not best pleased.

Choir was good, we worked hard but had a lot of fun as per usual. Music helps MH so much. I love my gospel choir, we recently recorded a CD. I also write, record and perform my own music. Got a recording coming up on Thursday, which will be fun. I find writing stuff is a really good way to get all the crap out. I leant the choir master my CD and he liked it, which means a lot. Tho his favourite song was about suicide - "I liked the melody"...

Having another one of those cant sleep nights, wonder if I am going a little hypomanic, will have to check my list of early warning signs and cut out the caffeine. All you BPs out there I strongly suggest you make a list of early warning signs if you haven't done already. It is wonderful to feel more in control of my "bipolar and baggage" with the help of meds and therapy.

So what am I doing to try to make myself sleepy? Hot milky drink? No. Actually getting into bed? No. Relaxing music and lavendar? No. Breathing exercises? No. Tidy bedroom? No! I am watching The Birdcage. So my sleep hygiene is better in theory than in practice. Oh well...

Well I hope you are either all tucked up in bed asleep or having a good day

Cracked

I looked at naked men and I almost got an... (God do I hate to say this) election and then I'll look at women and almost get one. Ahh what am I. Snaga might be right about sexuality being fairly consistent throughout your life. My best guess is that I was bisexual for all of puberty and I just didn't realize it. My OCD was I was 14 could of actually been they gay side of me showing. Because one of the differences between me and other ocd sufferers was the fact that I could find myself attractive (if I found pictures of myself)and it wouldn't make me anxious. (What am I going to do. ###$ myself lol) I just want to pretend that none of this is real and that it's in my head. But my body and eyes don't lie do they? Lol. I guess I should start ignoring those gay subreddits now. I don't want to face the fact that this is it for the rest of my life

Sorry about posting a lot I'm just anxious frustrated and a whole bunch of other stuff.

I don't know why I am so emotionless. My boyfriend says I'm not like normal girls and I have no enthusiasm. He also says I don't like happiness in others and I don't want happiness for myself I know this is somewhat true, but its ruining or relationship.I get jealous of other people's happiness, but I don't know how to feel happy myself. I dwell on the past a lot. I don't know why. I feel empty most of the time. I do get happy, but it only lasts for an hour or 2 at the most. If I'm not feeling empty I feel mad, sad, or jealous. I can't really make or keep friends either because they say I'm too depressing or I just ignore them. I feel so detached and like I can't relate to anyone. I just need help figuring out whats wrong with me mentally so I can be normal.

Haters Gonna Hate. Some people will have their own negative opinions of you whether you show yourself consistently groovy or not and that's their bag, baby. If you're a 'Non' or a 'Normie', you can be responsible for your own esteem and how you treat other people because awareness of all your own behaviors is available to you - especially if you're committed to 'finding' yourself. Jesus had done many miraculous and loving acts but behind His back (but not outside of His awareness) there was a plot going on to have Him arrested and killed, He wasn't paranoid because He wasn't wrong.

What Jesus did on the Wednesday is only speculation as it's not specifically mentioned in the Bible but the evening before, He & the Disciples had gone to eat at a friend's house and a woman (believed to be Mary whose brother Lazarus had been raised from the dead by Jesus previously) had poured her savings of perfumed oil all over Him to bless Him and let Him know how valuable He was to her. Judas Iscariot and others had been 'holier than thou' and whinged that she should have sold the expensive perfume and given the proceeds to the poor - Judas was known for being money obsessed and there were rumors of him stealing from the kitty - but Jesus dignified her gift instead. Judas had always been pushing for a physical uprising against the Roman occupation and was very 'instant gratification' about Jesus' Kingdom after hearing Jesus say He was going to die soon. Judas wanted to secure his future stability with money and not faith in God having a perfect plan in place. This incident where Mary got huge credit for 'wastefulness' was the push that tipped him over the edge of loyalty into selfishness and when the High Priest, Caiaphas, (another envious hater) presented an opportunity to destroy Jesus and His spiritual revolution, Judas went to a secret meeting and asked for 30 silver coins to betray Jesus with a kiss.

The account is in Matthew chapter 26, verses 1 to 16:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2026:1-16&version=AMP

From this time on, Judas was on the lookout for an opportunity to turn Jesus in to the authorities. I got asked on the Forum if I could bear other people thinking my N partner was amazing when I knew what he was really like and there was a time when I was furiously frustrated by the injustice of my situation. I did want to go around telling everyone I knew (and anyone else) that he was a monster. But to what end? I would get my rush of gleeful yaya's for a week or two, my partner would be destroyed in his career and personal life, I'd have my time in the witness box and a jury to find me innocent of the abuse I'd suffered - but what would that do for my soul, the way I feel about myself, my reputation? I'd be a toxic Hater myself, lose-lose. Eeuuurrrgggghhh...*shudder*.

Jesus was prepared to 'die to Self' for the good of many and so I should 'die to Self' too, I didn't want to be like Judas Iscariot, ultimately hanging myself on my own rope of fear and bitterness in despair. Instead, I got out my precious gifts and sacrificed my savings of time, experience (money sometimes) and devotion to bless when all seemed bleak and uncertain. I can't express strongly enough how glad I am that I did and the benefits of it. So my advice today is to check yourself first, are you becoming a 'holier than thou' Hater, lashing out from disappointment, vengeance and desperate for vindication of your side of things? What motivates you to behave the way you do towards people with NPD? Once, did you love someone with NPD but that love and your expectations/dreams got crushed and chipped away until there was despair and anger left in their place? Do you want other people to join the club of the abused and attack on all fronts to push the Narcissists further inside themselves and everybody losing teeth 'n' eyes? Or will you do your own perfume-pouring sacrifice under the scornful gaze of the Haters, to make...

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