Its only now i am learning to understand bpd that there so many things im noticing about myself...actually shut up trac, youve always been like this, and you know it. Anyway, blah blah....
im going to a fun day today with my little boy...should be a nice day, nice weather, lots of his friends there, so will be nice to catch up with some of the other mums....even though no matter who im talking to i always inside feel alone...pathetic!!! But the main thing im worrying about it seeing someone that i was emotionally insecurely attached to, they distanced themselves in the end and ive tried so so hard to stop all contact. i get why they did it (job) but i cant really make me belief that this is the only reason (think she dislikes me -i know this just my parania - i think and i try telling myself that it all in my head..but i cant)....
The thing is i know seeing her today is gonna bring up so many different emotions and feelings and thoughts...i know i will immediatly become this lil girl in my head again...want her to care for me etc etc....
I just dont know how to be around her, i can feel in my head all these different 'me's' that im deciding which one to be while im around her, the confident, pretend nothing wrong me, act crazy me but inside im crying because i feel so alone and abandonned...or shall i be the quite, something's wrong but im not going to tell you me....another me is telling me i should have a couple of drinks before I go so i can feel confident.
Why is it that something so normal like taking my little boy to a fun day has to be turned into some major event where it brings up so many dtuped emotions??? Dont get it!!