Its only now i am learning to understand bpd that there so many things im noticing about myself...actually shut up trac, youve always been like this, and you know it. Anyway, blah blah....

im going to a fun day today with my little boy...should be a nice day, nice weather, lots of his friends there, so will be nice to catch up with some of the other mums....even though no matter who im talking to i always inside feel alone...pathetic!!! But the main thing im worrying about it seeing someone that i was emotionally insecurely attached to, they distanced themselves in the end and ive tried so so hard to stop all contact. i get why they did it (job) but i cant really make me belief that this is the only reason (think she dislikes me -i know this just my parania - i think and i try telling myself that it all in my head..but i cant)....

The thing is i know seeing her today is gonna bring up so many different emotions and feelings and thoughts...i know i will immediatly become this lil girl in my head again...want her to care for me etc etc....

I just dont know how to be around her, i can feel in my head all these different 'me's' that im deciding which one to be while im around her, the confident, pretend nothing wrong me, act crazy me but inside im crying because i feel so alone and abandonned...or shall i be the quite, something's wrong but im not going to tell you me....another me is telling me i should have a couple of drinks before I go so i can feel confident.

Why is it that something so normal like taking my little boy to a fun day has to be turned into some major event where it brings up so many dtuped emotions??? Dont get it!!

My name is Ivy and I have no clue how this site works yet but I really need some help figuring out exactly what I'm writing about.
The subject is basically people who create fantasy worlds as a means to escape, but then can't return to the regular world. Is there a word for this? They know the difference between the two worlds but they just can't go back.

Thank you for your help!
Anxiously yours,
Ivy

The goal is to get over the past and move forward into the present and accept it; Not expect anything from the past or the loss of the past. What does this feel like; I feel like Id be on my own to move forward to have success regardless of where I came from or what type of background I came from.
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The key is to understand that “ I love knowing Im not holding anyone responsible for the way my life unfolds”
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When I start out; who am I?; Im just me starting with no support or notice of those from the past.
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I was abandon when young; completely; someone folded up shop; got rid of me and the world I came from; and that was that; when I saw them again or had to live with them again; they acted as if I was not related to them; as if I was a stranger. A complete stranger; an unwanted stranger; because I had always been a stranger to them; I was not connected to them when young. to bad. They got rid of me because of hypergamy and monkey branching; but this was a psychopath; so; nothing good would be to come from this for me; either way; I was to be gotten rid of.
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The point is; I have to move on and build a new life; whats left of it and the remain time I have on planet earth; this is not what I expected; any of this. non of this. and it gets worse; the brothers I had; were no brothers; turned out to be against me from the beginning; no brothers; no connection; nothing; never knew this. They are my enemies; completely. They are on the opposite side of the world then me; on the other extreme. Better yet; they dont exist at all; complete strangers. I have no one from what I started with; all of it destroyed and parished and gone; as if a bomb exploded and all was evaporated. I literally came from nothing. Now; Im trying to silently get on my feet again.
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And when I was hit with this abandonment; it was thought out by the psychopaths that did it; it was times perfectly at a specific position or pendulum swing; hitting the mark at the exact moment it would do the most damage; slicing of my head; or my identity; my life completely; a solid smashing blow against an innocent unassuming child. And the psychopath is obsessed with destroying children because they are easy prey.
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I dont tell others who I really am or my real motives; I dont want them stopping me from my goals. Im in social situations where Im an underDog; people think they are above me; However, Working with the universe; This is giving me opportunities to be around people and not alone; Im being taken care of in a way; and Ill allows those around me to think this as I play a lowly social position and not let on that Im of anymore ability strength or intelligence; and I must do this right now to survive. its not bad; its a social beginning. I allow the leaders to think they are real leaders; by doing this; I get perks I need for social development. All is going fine under the universe; I must get my strength back.
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PTSD; PTSD is always a big big problem; its the biggest problem Ive got; its a challenge to see things positively when I have fear and horror running through my mind all day long; but I know those landscapes are only movies running in my head. I say I know their only movies running in my head; thats to true; They still effect me as if real or I would not be writing about them. However, Im willing and believing in the ability to plant new thoughts in my head through my imagination. Im working with this and learning how to be dedicated to this.

Figure this would be a good place to just give a general idea of who I am. I'm 21 years old, so still young. I'm a political/social activist. I spend more time on 4chan than I should. This is just going to be a bunch of random thoughts isn't it? Have homicidal ideations, but think they are just a coping mechanism, no intention to act on them. Really hoping all the information about myself I'm putting here will help with a diagnoses. Suppose I could have bipolar, been told by 2 vastly different sources that it sounds like I do, but they are not doctors. Was Diagnosed with ADHD when I was younger, maybe that's what's wrong. Did I ever see a psychiatrist about that? I fit in very well with hacker culture. I have motivation sometimes and then never follow through. I like Rock, EDM and classical movie scores. Always seem to be in a "fog", fantasies almost seem more "sharp"/"clear" than the "real world". Good life, Great parents, not many friends, but friends I do have are close. Should probably try to go to sleep, have work tomorrow, oh well sleep can wait. Could I be doing this to myself? OCD? Guess this is what you call depression. Could this be "normal"? I hat crowds, to noisy, to hard to move from place to place. Music can help. Gore doesn't bother me too much, First responder Medical career? Feel nothing after national "tragedies". Wilderness?Urban SAR sounds like fun.Want to Cry/Laugh, don't know what that feeling is makes me laugh sometime, make me want to cry others. Can't cry though, Can't cut can't hide scars, but maybe things would make sense if I did. Hate my job, but good physical activity. Not too fond of current government. Like the ideas in the constitution though. Anarchy is unsustainable, rich would trample the poor. Like being alone alot of times, quiet, can organize my thoughts. Will any of this still ring true tomorrow? Never really had a GF, probably need to work out my issues first. Must keep appointment in April. Maintain control of my actions most of the time I guess, if just going through the motions without really thinks about it counts. Could eat, too late though. Water brb. back. Like LOTR need to finish Silmarillion. LAW liquid antacid and water, tear gas treatment, 50 percent Maalox 50% water. Like to kayak, best impulse buy yet. Beautiful ecosystem nearby at wildlife refuge, so calming out there. get lonely sometimes.


That's enough for now, sorry for the wall of text, just trying to make sense of things.

I harm myself physically, as a form of self punishment. If I break my word, or hurt someone I care about etc, I will burn myself. I always put the burns in places that will have constant contact or have clothing rubbing against them, so I have the constant reminder.
To remind me to strive to be better. That my actions hurt someone I care more about, than myself. So I don't put my selfish fears before them.

G also punishes the body, but not for the same reasons. She punishes weakness. It's weak to show fear, pain or kindness to others. To allow any vulnerabilities to be seen by people.
She used to drum into me, that we didn't need anyone else. I'm now finding it extremely hard to open up to people, and to not try and push them away, after I have.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I realise how mad all that may sound. But when I'm in that headspace... I can't think rationally. It's like being possessed, but still consciously aware.