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i gave in again by wasp_rainbowarrior on Thu Jan 12, 2017 8:00 pm
som about an hour after i said i wouldn't give in, i'm giving in. online on a sex chat right now, feeling sad about it, nobody interesting, full of people who are even worse than me. i'm probably going to close the chat windows soon and feel that "ok, i got over it, now i'm ok", but i will continue to feel a subtle need of getting in it again - or i can't concentrate on anything else. i might repeat this a couple times today, it will probably end up with me masturbating in front of a webcam to some stranger i don't actually find attractive after talking to 10 different guys who bored the $#%^ out of me. then feeling miserable and drained afterwards, and guilty, since my week-long effort not to do it went down the drain and once again i went against my religion - which is not imposed on me, since i'm the only person in my family who professes it, but rather chosen by me in the belief that it's actually true even though i can't follow it. to sum it up - i'll feel unhappy. writing about it helps, but not that much. i just want to have it written so i can talk about it with my psychotherapist later. couldn't even sleep properly from yesterday to today - something i've never had before, so something must be changing. let's be hopeful.

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Harm ocd or something worse????? by Ocd23451 on Sat May 13, 2017 4:07 am
I've been diagnosed with ocd since I was about 5 years old. I've had almost every obsession imaginable and was on meds for a good part of my childhood. For the past 3 years, I have been dealing with what I think is harm ocd. To make a long story short, I have constant intrusive thoughts about killing people and just about any other horrible thing you could imagine. It's not the thoughts that bother me though, I can deal with those, it's the urges. At times I feel like I actually want to hurt people and I'm not sure if this is just my OCD tricking me or if this is real emotion. I guess my question is, can harm ocd make you feel like you really want to kill people or should I go to a mental hospital immediately. I honestly hate these feelings but at the same time my OCD makes them feel good. I really don't want to hurt anyone but I feel like I'm losing control. Somebody please help!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Mouse Hunt by Existentialist on Wed Jun 29, 2011 12:13 am
To take my mind off a bad day, I set about building a non-lethal mousetrap from internet instructions. Some of the ideas out there are interesting.

The one that seems to have the greates success is the garbage can method. Take an empty garbage can and an empty tube from paper rolls. Put some food at the end of the roll and balance the tube on the corner of a surface the mouse can accces so it will fall into the bin when the mouse reaches the end. The mouse falls into the bin and lands on cushion you put inside so the mouse does not get injured from the fall. I also put down water and some food scraps for the mouse, as reccomended, since they can dehydrate very quickly and die. In the morning, the mouse can be relocated and set outdoors.

I will see what happens tonight.

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Wounded is wounded by OMNICELL on Wed Aug 21, 2013 4:47 am
The wounds don't go away! neither do the stupid people I must deal with on a daily basis. Things are better when I get away from them, However, I feel scared and intimidated by them! And Im all alone. Ive always been " all alone"
I would like to walk by people without budging! Without giving in. Im to weak. At times I want God to take me away, let me die so I can go to heaven, get away from this place. I am defeated all day long, No one is on my side. Im alone all the time! and I cant seem to see the real picture.

I start making demands of the people around me! they laugh at me! they are not trained nor care nor have the conscious for such things... I am not taken seriously and thrown out!

Its impossible to be around the stupid white middle class! Because they know no more then what they know! Im spit on in this arena...
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I continually look for answers to my PTSD problems, yet, I am mortally wounded, the wounds do not go away no matter what I do or try! The symptoms have gone down, the wounds have not!

Im not sure where to go! Im treated like Im no one!

I would like to get to the point that I can trust God and wake up enough to get away from the trouble makers.

Im around dumb people, and I forget this at times! I wish God would take me out of here or show me why Im here! what this is all about!

Why am I to stay alive, for what! I have to talk to God. Ive exposed myself, my problems that I get better, However, in the long run Ive exposed myself to the wrong people, people who take advantage of others by looking for power over them. Ive exposed myself to people that bully me or see me from a white shallow middle class point of view! So they see me as a bad person! I hate these people and what they stand for, they are no better then nazis. Most of these people are spoiled types who know nothing and have no real problems.. My problem has been the needing of them! They are game player voids. They drag people along or into there game for the fun of it, and leave them! They are not to be trusted..

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Im not a traditional soldier from the vA. I do not have other soldiers to run with or talk to! So, I don't fit in with them! and its made clear that I don't. They are great people, the vets, some of the best people Ive ever met ( the combat soldiers) The problem is; Im not one of them! Im this strange loner person out on the far edges of society that, although I had a chance when I was young, it was destroyed and taken from me! I was destroyed and sent into poverty! I never had away out!

Ive needed relief so, Ive told everyone about my problems, Ive got the secrets out, However, Now, I have lots of enemies that have fuel to use against me! to put me down when they see me!

Part of me wants to run away! run! the other part wants to kill or go to war!

I would walk away from the scum Ive surrounded myself with or around, but I end up alone, and people have made it clear they want nothing to do with me regardless.

I would like so much to leave and never come back, but where do I go! Who do I talk to, Im like a ghost.

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The people that originally wanted to help me thought I was one of them because I looked like one of them! Now they know Im from poverty and regret getting involved. They look at me like Im a seedy weirdo.

Strangely I have no one on my-side, Im alone and its been this way all my life.

Even at 50 I attract exceptionally beautiful women half my age! Ive never been able to get close to them! The last couple of years it was possible, but I ran away! most women who tried to get close to me shun me at this point as a weirdo because of my aloof behavior!
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Ive tried to get help at church! Its all white middle class, there is no help for the poor! its all the biggest lie!

My biggest problem is: where...

[ Continued ]

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52 Self Perception and the perception of others by OMNICELL on Mon Apr 16, 2012 3:22 am
Self perception:

I can look a specific way or ignite a sense of enrichment. Is it me or a perception!. On one hand I look rich while Im poor. On the other hand I can look poor as I am culturally wealthy. Who am I. I pose that question to the onlooker. I pose that question to myself.

I hate predictability. I look or dress a certain fashionable, I am judged that I aught to be the image that I dress.

I act the sophisticate, therefore, I must have monetary wealth or come from wealth. Who am I. I pose that question to the onlooker; to myself.

I cant wake up. My mind is to weak. Ive been here before, many years ago. My mind has been damaged. It doesn't matter what I look like, How wealthy my imagination. It makes no difference who I know, or what potential I have. I have a limited capacity to be present. Within the presentness, I have a limited capacity to engage. I look like I can engage, I attract like I can engage. I cannot engage.
From a distance, everything looks possible. Closer forward, things are not what they appear.

Wishful thinking:
At any given moment, things can go my way. Im having a better day, I look better, More resolute, a sound mind. However, the emotional dissociative barometer reads by the hour, not by the life time. Anything can and will change in short moments. One morning Im feeling sophisticated, looking sophisticated. The next morning I feel like a teenager, I dress and act like a teenager. I have no stability of identity; I switch to often for countability. My mind cannot be counted on. My principals can achieve whiskful solidarity, my mind cannot.

Misperceptions:

I refuse to tell anyone anything about myself. I have associated with people at a distance. I continue to associate with people at a distance. Until someone is smart enough to ask the right questions I will not participate. Unless someone asked any questions, I will retaliate. I will not sell myself to the lowest bidder. I might to the highest. They better have a higher IQ then the average seedPole. Hmmm.

Im attempting to build a life for the third time.
Ive been here before, Ive been to this part of the world, mind inside mind. It feels like walking on a tightrope. I must not fall of off this tight rope. I cannot handle the stress of being thrown to the wolves to be eaten alive.
If I didn't live in America I would be dead, my mind would not survive it. I could never handle the outside world. Im not suggesting all is lost or all is bad, I am learning a new way to live. I doubt I will ever be able to completely function on my own. Alas, My brain will collapse within itself from the pressure. That is the way of things. It is damage. I look forward to getting away from, or staying away from those that refuse to understand this condition.

I will continue to venture out and get well. As well as I can. I owe no one an explanation for this. for my condition. No one!.

Goals:
Learning to connect..
Art continues to grow
New mountain bikes
Telescope stuff would be nice
music equipment
For the future 50%/50% ratio for toys vs relationships. I should have a personal law that implies; for every new toy I must have one real relationship to counter the balance. Isolation vs relationships. I need both.

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