Me, dick. I forgot to pay for one ######6 £1 candle and get treated like a criminal. Most action he's seen his entire career, got to make it count I guess. Dickhead. Caused me to dissociatiate.

No connection; it continues; Im looking for utopia; maybe its in money; having money and good friends; but even the rich complain about being alone.
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Im not doing what I want to do or like to do; if I had it my way; Id be gone from this planet and the corruption and the 2 faced horrible horrifying people; its unbelievable to me.
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Ive been mentally ill and made mistakes; but I tried to go back the best I could and fix it; I tried to be friends with people who didn't want me. I never knew their was anything wrong with me; their was nothing wrong with me in the idea of being friends with me; nothing. Still nothing wrong with me as for being friends with me.
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Ive attracted no one; but Ive been stuck with a whole lot of lower level gutter people that show up around me.
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What am I suppose to be doing with my life; I don't know; Im working on it because; what else am I suppose to do.
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I come from a TV set of pictures and vids and movies; and based what I wanted for my life on those things, but when the movies were over and I was forced into the real world; I could not cope; I was not trained for the real world.
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Ive been around trashy people all of my life.
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Im not sure what else to do with my life but to fallow the stars; Ive tried to fit in in numerous situations; and got nowhere being myself; I finally stopped trying; and did not know what to do.
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Ive had no girlfriend; still don't have any.
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Where are the type of women I want to date; thats the question; I've worked with the universe; but nothing.
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I don't know how to handle interactions with people when my life has been so stripped of everything; who will understand this....
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Its all very tiring.
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Im not sure anymore; I don't fit into society at any level accept maybe the rich; if I had money.
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Im getting ready to go on a campout; I can already see that going back to those specific meetings was a mistake but I learned a few things; socially; nothing; At this camp out; Ill probably just walk around alone as I did before; not really getting into any good conversations.
Im going out of desperation and loneliness; for no other reason.
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I have no ideas here; I would like to meet a wonderful women that I can talk to; but nothing; I would have to move up the ladder to a better position in life and be with someone that understands me; its possible; I attract women; but not anyone I can date; its ridiculous.
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Im trying to understand what this is all for; why am I here; what am I suppose to do with my life. Ive been working on it for a long time; and very little is to be shown of the work Ive done..
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So; I dont know what to think; I continually get the message that I should not be at most of the social situations Im at; the people and places and things. I have no personal life or people in a personal life. nothing; No one cares; Im not sure what to do except move on; thats what i want to do; but where do I go.
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I find it strange that I have the ability to keep going forward; but their seems to be no reason; Im not connected to anyone.
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Im suppose to learn to have faith in the universe; the universe has got my back; but where is all the stuff Ive attempted to manifest?
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Im suppose to have trust.
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I guess I could manifest honest friends; what would that look like? Thats a whole others situation.
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Money is a huge problem that keeps me away from people.
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Possibly, I could keep working with the universe concerning money; I seem to have hope and things to work on; but, Im working on some day getting a life while my life slips away; Im working on some day getting a life while its slipping away right now and Im suppose to trust the universe.
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Connection seems to be the problem; nothing makes any sense.

[18] In the early dawn the next morning, as He was coming back to the city, He was hungry. [19] And as He saw one single leafy fig tree above the roadside, He went to it but He found nothing but leaves on it (seeing that in the fig tree the fruit appears at the same time as the leaves). And He said to it, Never again shall fruit grow on you! And the fig tree withered up at once. [20] When the disciples saw it, they marveled greatly and asked, How is it that the fig tree has withered away all at once? [21] And Jesus answered them, Truly I say to you, if you have faith (a firm relying trust) and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, Be taken up and cast into the sea, it will be done. [22] And whatever you ask for in prayer, having faith and (really) believing, you will receive.
[23a] And when He entered the sacred enclosure of the temple, the chief priests and elders of the people came up to Him as He was teaching..... [27b] And He said to them..... [28] "What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He came to the first and said, "Son, go and work today in the vineyard." [29] And he answered, "I will not"; but afterward he changed his mind and went. [30] Then the man came to the second and said the same [thing]. And he replied, "I will [go], sir"; but he did not go. [31] Which of the two did the will of the father? They replied, "The first one." Jesus said to them, "Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the harlots will get into the kingdom of heaven before you. [32] For John came to you walking in the way of an upright man in right standing with God, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the harlots did believe him; and you, even when you saw that, did not afterward change your minds and believe him (adhere to, trust in, and rely on what he told you)." MATTHEW 21:18-23a & 27b-32
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+21&version=AMP;KJV

The morning after the table-tipping incident, Jesus encountered a deceiver. The fig tree, all full of leaves promised much but delivered little in the way of nourishment, it wasn't doing either what it was supposed to do or doing what it looked like at that moment. When I met my N partner, he looked and acted a certain way and was as timely coming into my view as that solitary fig tree was for Jesus. I had no cause to doubt that the outward presentation he showed to the world may not be the full picture and it wasn't until I got up close & personal that I discovered a lot of his 'fruit' didn't exist, he was showy leaves and deception. Disappointed? Devastated! I certainly shot him a lot of 'withering' glances and hoped he'd get a blast from the Almighty for sure... But just like the fig tree encounter, Jesus had more to reveal through the situation than it first appeared.

I had thought I was finally getting a nourishing partner for myself after being widowed, this was a promising semblance of 'just what I needed at just the right time' - the reward at the end of a long walk with my late husband & his 'issues'. But that was me making it all about what I wanted, God had other plans for what He wanted for me and my narcissistic 'fig tree'. What I learned was that there are periods when your life isn't about your needs primarily but about somebody else who has need of you.

Jesus told the chief priests and elders that God did not look at the outward appearance of people, not at what they have behaved like repeatedly nor what labels they have been given and all the bias that goes along with those labels. The tax collectors & harlots in those days would have been severely looked down upon and ostracised by polite society because they were morally bankrupt and all manner of 'sin full'. They were marginalized as the 'bad people' and today there is still rather a lot of that going on with NPD. ...

[ Continued ]

Is this my life?

If you get immunity to covid 19 does that protect you from more dangerous forms of sars more research needs to be done with regards to immunity we don't know enough.