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u put urself in it..... by HoneyLancaster on Wed Jul 06, 2011 5:41 am
You know that dumb-assed saying "you put yourself in it"?
Or "You must have been askin for it"or any one of those phrases that refer to all the stupid $#%^ you got your self into.

As usual wondered WTF I'm doin with a verbally abusive ###$ and always living hand 2 mouth then just as quickly the pissy feelin fades into a fog of depression and all those insidious phrases mentioned above floats into my head without me realizing it until the next time I feel pissy.

Thought about that all day. A kind lady from here here spent all night listening to me here without a single judging statement. In fact, she often complimented me on my bravery and how far I got in life much to my bafflement.

Didn't quite sink it.... still hasn't but at least it got me thinking of just how often I belittle myself and allow others to do it. In fact I defend or justify such allowances. Made me wonder just how much I believe (regardless of stupid adult logics) statements claiming I got myself into these situation.

Does that mean when I was 6 years old approaching my abuser eagerly for more that I put myself in that enviorment? If it started from age 3 and stopped at 11.... wouldn't a person be "prepared or groomed" for such behavior that it wouldn't continue into adulthood?

Especially what if that "prepared or groomed" child had kept it a secret and never got any help for it? What if she stumbled about from man to man, one user after another, somehow feeling like she's got "ABUSE ME" written on her forehead?

Yes I may have removed myself from much more abusive relationships and really bad choices.... heck even quit drinking (im an alcoholic). I may be in a steadier home with a wonderful child who has perfect A's and awesome sweet pets. Yet I wonder.

No one is telling me those statements but I hear them nonethless and I sense them. It's a whispery voice I hear in my head and until today I was not aware of it.

The kind lady's encouraging comments last night and the way I discounted or brushed them off made me stop and think. Made me wondered about my boundaries and flippant attitude to my own wants/needs.

No I don't know where I'm going with this.... just wanted to share my revelations about myself, not that I know what to do with it yet. Still, its great that someone from this site actually took the time to be up until 6 am with a perfect idiotic whiny person like me. Thanks!

3 Comments Viewed 18270 times
big Huge scary transition by OMNICELL on Thu Jan 06, 2022 3:43 am
Everything is fading.
.
The girl up the street; The one I talk about in all my blogs; the answers are coming from God/Universe.
Here is the latest answer; she was normal; I was crazy from numerous breaks from reality from all the trauma shock PTSD terror fear of being put into new unsafe situations I had no control over; I was lied to and put into situations where I froze up; no movement. And then again sexual abuse; and that created castle like walls added to the other walls... That turned me into someone that wanted to blow up the world. I then had to move again and had no hope; no parents no real place to live anymore. Nothing. No one. Nothing' \.
And in this new place; yet another place I had to live; thats when I met this girl. And I was completely mentally ill.
.
The walls I had up against my parents; all the hatred and terror and fear and anger and horror and disbelief and now complete mistrust against all things; all dreams gone; no hope. Nothing; broken...
I reacted to this girls interest in me the way I would react to my parents or anyone else that tried to get to know me or get close to me; Completely anti social.
.
I got mad at this girl for not understanding; However, how was she suppose to understand anything if i never told her anything; I was a complete stranger from another life and family system; why would she have any clue who I was.
.
I lied about who I was to start with; I was not myself.
.
Now; this girl and others; these stories of these people from the past that I wanted to be close with or thought I was close with never existed.
THese people gave me a chance and I blew it; over n over n over by my anti social behavior; these people did not understand me nor have a clue what was going on and at some point they wrote me off and walk or ran away to get away.
.
I never responded to the person; never told this person how I felt; I could not; I could not move.
I wanted help so badly; and being a teen ager at the time; All I could do was meet new people; I did not know about therapy yet or what was wrong with me. I tried reaching out. I met this girl; but she was not a therapist. I mean this literally; I literally needed a therapist; this poor girl got a psychotic who was avoidant and not present and switching in n out of numerous personalities.
.
HEres the point. Now; This has opened up to a new level. This story is a classic example of severe abuse and what it does to someone over the long term.
.
The problem with the girl up the street was me; and it was my behavior. If I had the ability to communicate with this person and act normally around her; but theres no way that could ever have happened; I was fare gone and still shutting down more n more as I continued to interact with the psychopathic mother and her new husband and family; and I was not wanted there. Not one person cared if I was dead or alive; nothing. and they never will again.
.
.
This girl up the street; is just one of many confused patrons who dealt with me and gave up when they realized my behavior was schizophrenic, erratic, and more n more withdrawn and avoidant and at some point I completely betrayed the friendship I had created with this person and the trust. I ruined or destroyed everything; I went from one type of person to another.
.
As much as I wanted to blame this girl for her later attitudes and treatment of me; In the time I first met her she did nothing want accept wanted a boyfriend and a friend and thought she had made a friend and wanted me as a boyfriend; and I completely ( whats the word Im looking for; completely nut't out on her completely like I was psychotic and erratic); once realizing I had broken the friendship because of my anger; or hostility; I believe she felt broken and thrown away and confused and friendless. However, later she wrote me of as a crazy person that was unsafe.
.
And Im writing to much about what I think...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 3224 times
Happiness. by ArcticGreen on Thu May 30, 2013 1:43 pm
Well, I'm in one of my happy episodes. I've just donated $500 to WWF. Donating to charity makes me feel really good! :D Its odd, when the seasons change I tend to be in a completely different mood? I think that's just my mood disorder NOS kicking in. My husband and I rented Django Unchained, it was awesome! :D I love Quentin Tarantino, he's damn right awesome!

Being happy has its benefits, everything that would usually make me feel like $#%^ no longer does. I've been spending a lot of time talking to my psychiatrist about ways to deal with my deep feelings of emptiness. I've found things like extra long bare hugs with my husband! :D Just general intimacy, since same-sex marriage isn't legal in Hawaii I've had to move to Maryland with my husband, and it's a very accepting place to live in. In the past I'd feel very empty when I'm being discriminated against, I don't get that here its great!

Happiness is great, it feels like you're on top of the World and you can do anything! Absolutely anything! I wish everyone well who is enjoying summer! There's nothing like feeling happy and listening to your favourite music (Falling in Reverse, My Chemical Romance and Elliot Smith God rest his soul).

0 Comments Viewed 3364 times
In a silent way by Callalily on Fri Jan 31, 2014 3:40 pm
Every day I miss you. I wish I could thank you for everything you taught me. You knew how to find beauty in life, and you made life beautiful for me.

I know you are always with me.

I love you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvFH_6DNRCY

0 Comments Viewed 3616 times
daddys lil secret #2 i guess thats ME!!!! so much more to say by daddyslilsecret#2 on Wed Mar 27, 2013 4:54 pm
so by now im used to this being my life its gone on so long i know nothing else tho i still know its wrong i dont know what to do about it i got with a boy i thought loved me and we had our little girl ally at 16 by then dad had had a few scares and had backed off alot my bf was living with us and i had the new baby and then out of no where one day im sittin in my room with ally and were just sitting there playin she still was too little to move just lay there and here he comes and has me rub him yet again only this time was my breaking point my baby was right two feet away from me in the dark not having a clue what was going on other then her mommy had stoppd talkin to her and now it was dark two weeks later we moved out i never told my bf why just that we had to get out i wanted to be on our own and so we did......I WAS OUT I MADE IT OMG I WAS SO HAPPY I COULDA SCREAMED and i guess this is where i thought it was all over well well well to my surprise he still would try to come over thankfully most days my bf was there and there was nothing he could do at this point i was greatfull for neb my bf to be so protective tho i know now it was controlling but it saved me from so many more hurtfull moments im thankfull for the fact that he was that way soon enough tho he caught me home alone and threatened to turn us into job and fam in order to get his rub one last time and this was the last time for he had only tried one more time after this and i bluntly told him no my daughter was outside walking by now and he took us to the park and told her go play bc he thought for sure he was gonna talk me into it yet again he was unable to do so at this point i was 19 and way over all the #######4 and knew i was bigger then that i didnt have to do anything well he let me know real fast what i had done by saying no i no longer got to see him i no longer got presents rly for anything i no longer got the spoils of bein his secret bc i wasnt anymore in his eyes

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