Bipolar and Pregnant?
on Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:13 am
The past few days haven't been going well for me at work. To add to the pressure, I thought I might be pregnant. Yeah, I had unprotected sex, but I took the morning after pill. I guess my luck is just getting worse and worse as the weeks pass.
So yeah, I took a pregnancy test and it said I was indeed pregnant. I cried, I mean what 19 year old single girl wouldn't? I refuse to completely believe it though because it was like £4.00 so it could just be wrong. I mean they're not 100% anyway.
So this afternoon I will be taking myself to the local doctors to get a proper test done. If it turns out I am pregnant, what am I going to do? I can barely take care of myself let alone a baby, but getting rid of it doesn't feel right. What if it ends up having Bipolar like me? Is it fair for me to bring a child into this world knowing the above?
Narcissists, Abuse & Adultery
on Thu Jun 06, 2013 10:09 pm
Everyone has a dream no matter how simple it is or impossible to achieve we do the best we can to achieve it in a good way of course. As a young girl my dream was to get married in church, have children, have a house, a steady income and so on and so forth. You know what I'm saying. My first husband was very dedicated and ambitious. He was an excellent provider and I always knew I could count on him. The demise of my first marriage was lacking the skill of understanding of a wife and being supportive. Although, we were blessed with 2 great sons I didn't give it my all. I was so confident in fact overly confident that since we had everything that I became so comfortable. After 15 years of marriage it ended due to lack of things in my part like communication and just being a wife. It was a devastating experience but, only when I stepped back did realize he was always reaching out to me but I was not emotionally available. Although, there was a different type of love it was more of respect I had for him. While the divorce was in process I dipped my toes in the dating scene to realize that boy oh boy it was so different way back then when men will come over to your house, court you, bring you presents and ask your parents permission. Now it became more of a meat market. For a few years I enjoyed it. After 3 years my divorce was finalized. But, the dating scene made me feel more empty that finding a man is quite difficult a good one I should say. With so many options, technology and how society views a relationship which was a hush hush before was just normal. Of course due to my religious belief I never stopped praying and hoping that someday I will be blessed with the right man more so a man of God. As I continue my search I was asked to meet a man by my room mate’s best friend who happens to be her best friend’s room mate. I was hesitant for I already have set my standards of what I wanted and who I wanted to be man of God, ethnicity wise, height, education, looks, financial status, morals, loyalty, fidelity and values you name it I had it written down. When I met this man he was 40 and the first thing he said he just got home at 5am for he was in the club with friends in their 20's. That, not to sound judgmental should be the first big red flag. He was grilling some meat and as soon as it was cooked he was serving everyone and making sure all the ladies were taken care of red flag number 2. As the afternoon dies and getting closer to the evening he wanted to talk to me more. We sat down he told me he is separated although his family is in San Diego him and his wife still share one house but separate bedroom because they have 2 daughters. Then we started praying together now that one was a big plus for me since most of the man I dated either doesn't believe in God or doesn't practice their religion at all. I really liked him. He sent me roses at work and we would talk on the phone for hours. From that day we were inseparable. Everything happened so quick we moved in together and got a place. After 4 months I noticed he placed some ads and searching on craigslist for fun. That should be red flag number 3. I never did confronted him until I found out on his face book which he posted our pictures that he has strings of women again red flag number 4. That same year he filed for divorce and the ink wasn't dry on his divorce papers he wanted us to get married before 2010 ended. I was happy don't get me wrong but quite confused as to what the rush was since our sponsors will be in Bahamas and won't be back until first week of January 2011 found out due to taxes that may have been red flag number 5 but I was aware about it but I still filed Married filing separate. The course of our marriage was very chaotic since his daughter moved in with us she still couldn't grasp the divorce that happened to her parents even if both have their own partners. For months I subjected my self with verbal abuse and demeaning things both my second husband and... [ Continued ]
slowly moving into the next phase
on Tue May 24, 2016 4:36 am
The next phase is happening for me!
Im into the next phase
I have one women that Ive patched things up with a bit! Im not interested in dating her! Id like to sleep with her! But I have to learn to be friends with her! This means no acting out; not acting needy or weird! And not over doing it; getting jealous because many other guys around her are getting attention from her! I have to let it go! And be myself! This is so ######6 hard! My goal is to come back to reality; come back!
Im starting to get sick to my stomach of some of the people Im around because they have no conscious! And Im finally starting to move away from them! No more interest! Nothing! They can ######6 stay away! So, there are sacrifices!
Im slowly growing back into who I once was! ITs horrible to think Im all alone! No one knows or cares! I got my interests from TV when I was young! I had no other influences! I saw things on TV when I was a boy that I wanted to be like! I did not know that I was not watched or taken care of or loved or my schooling was important! Nothing was! I was being completely used; and that person died! And now Im trying to get that person back!
None of this is easy! Its all hard, and sad! And don't ever expect anyone to really understand! You're trying to come back into the real world from La LA land!
I have the full legal right to be nuts the rest of my life! It was my choice to take the chances long ago, to get better! And I have gotten better!
Nothing is more hard hit then relations with women! Im slowly learning to let go of most! Most is about looking at their costumes of makeup and dresses! So, nothing is real! And I don't know most of them up close and I don't know that I want to!
I have one or two people; that is all that are still friends with me! Why, Im not sure! Maybe attention! I have to learn not to blow it! Keep cool!
I have allot of PTSD that gets in the way; Im trying to clear my mind of! I have several separate lives from different time periods! Each buried or destroyed! And each life comes up or comes back in the form of PTSD!
I have to keep working on my goals! The number one goal is to have a goal with no doubts! If I told you I was interested in a Toyota truck! It would be with no doubts; thats the goal! The goal is no doubt that I will have it! Completely positive, even if I don't know where the money is coming from; doesn't matter, I know it will show up because Im completely positive with no doubts! And thats where Im headed!
The hardest part is loneliness! Im not around the right people for relationships! And Im not sure where they are! I guess I should define whom Im looking for! But I don't know! I have to keep seeking and knocking and doing the work!
Who is my soulmate; what does she look like, act like! What does she do! What are her traits!
I have allot of studying to do!
I have to keep up with my stories of my future until I believe so badly that they have no choice but to be true!
by Robert S. USC FAN
on Thu Apr 04, 2013 7:57 pm
It's been a tough day since I last wrote yesterday afternoon. I’m trying so hard… I didn't quite know when to come back and write about what's been happening or how I've been feeling, so I figured I'd just do it when time permitted and/or there was something to say.
It's been tough...really tough. I wish I could genuinely smile in happiness, laugh in earnest at something...anything; I can't. I am proud of myself for maintaining my honesty with those I come in contact, but those feelings vale in comparison to the thoughts of regret, and sorrow, which inevitably lead to extreme anxiety. It seems every second of the day my head is filled with so many different thoughts of times past and present...regret, shame, and sorrow. Feelings of despair are sometimes intertwined with feelings of clarity (I love those times, I'm able to see everything from a distance, know I'm on the right path, and I'm not feeling anxious or filled with despair); it's weird, and I wish I could explain, but some of you reading this (I anticipate) know these feelings too well.
I've taken the week off from work, I don't know why, and if I wrote why I did it'd be a lie...I just did. I find being alone with my thoughts is horrible (makes me regret taking the time off and going back to work), and as horrible as it may be, I've found that I'm taking care of things that my lying/lies would keep me from doing (procrastination). My Son is on spring break from school, so being around him, just talking to him is quite nice, and lessens the feelings of despair I seem to be struggling with. He doesn't know what's going on with pop, but I suspect he knows there's something there since I've been quite reserved, mellow, and talkative (more so than usual) with him quiet as of late; he’s 15 years old, so I suspect he knows something’s not right.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about what I’m going through…those that know and love me would likely think I was lying, and I can’t fault them for that; I would too. I have three brothers and a sister, all of whom I have wonderful relationships with; we are a very tight-knit family. I have always been the reclusive, “anti-social”, quiet, reserved brother. It wasn’t always that way, but as I got older, I thought it best to stay away…it was the shame and embarrassment I perceived from them, from my entire family, that kept me from get-togethers, and family outings. After a while, they just stopped asking, and I would look for ways to wallow in self-pity, blame them, and justify their lack of love (shamefulness and embarrassment of me)…it was/is nonsense, but I believed it, perceived it to be true; it was my truth, my lie that I made to be true to justify my actions. It was/is a way for me to justify my actions, feel sorry for myself and keep up the ruse of being happy without them…a lie, to myself and them. I tried and thought it would stop 9 months ago…I thought bringing someone around that I love would force me to tell the truth to myself, my family, and her; that it would win over (and force) my thoughts and feelings of insecurity enough to finally be truthful…I was wrong, I failed, I lied, and am here now; at my wits end and in the depths of despair. I’m trying so hard…
I’ve reached out to one brother, who has given me the incredible strength of encouragement through his words two weeks ago, but he has a family and I don’t want to pester him with my day-to-day trials. I call him more than I ever have, just to say hello…I call all my siblings more than I ever have, hoping to find the strength to say something…I hate going through this alone, I wish there was someone to talk too. I cannot talk daily to my best friend about this because I’ve hurt that person more than anyone with the lies, the insecurity, the lies, the feeling of not being worthy of someone’s love, the lies…the lies. Although she’s stood by and agreed to continue being a friend, it’s not the same, it’s a cordialness that comes with rightful and justified anger for what I... [ Continued ]
Wow. Clearer Mind Makes The Past Even Scarier
on Wed Mar 28, 2012 6:18 am
I re-read my last blog entry and had to add a couple of comments to correct my recollections. I went off of my memory and discovered my 'memory' was crap. Now I'm thinking more clearly but when I try to remember any of my gambling jags (I don't know what else to call them, they were like strokes for me) I realize I can't. I remember them happening, but there are no details. None. Just the beginning part and the end part. I don't remember how far back I've had this problem, I don't remember how often or for how long any of the jags happened. None of it. I can just say 'at least 5 years' or 'over $5,000.00' or similar stuff. But details? Ha ha.
How did I NOT know I had a problem for so long? How could I continue to have these black outs (that's basically what they were) and think everything was okay? Especially when I put myself so deeply in debt? Actually 'in debt' doesn't describe it well. I was borrowing money to pay back other borrowed money to pay back other borrowed... etc. etc. Two overdrafts, a line of credit, two credit cards and of course, pay day loans.
Yet I really didn't think it was more than a 'gambling problem'. Something I needed to get a handle on. I used to tell myself I needed to quit until I was in the black again and then I could gamble safely. I actually believed that. As if my problem was debt, not gambling.
I've always used a written budget that allowed me to see my income and outgo, but whenever I had a jag, I refused to look at the budget. Out of sight, out of mind. And STILL I saw no problem. I'd get paid again, make minimum payments, juggle everything financially, pay my pay day loan, then RE-LOAN and THEN look at my screwed up budget. I'd fix it (barely) and then, since all my minimum payments were made, I'd use what was left on every balance to gamble again. I did that for years. I made good money and lived like a pauper - even going without food - just so I could gamble.
Honestly, the only problem I thought I had was getting enough money to gamble. THAT was the only reason I didn't screw up my credit too bad or default on any loans... I couldn't burn bridges I knew I'd need to cross again.
Every instance erased any previous ones. I was always living in the moment but not in a good way. And then at night I would force myself to go to bed and my mind would reel with what I'd done again. As well as what I would need to do to keep from going under. God it was nightmarish. Not sure how I EVER got to sleep.
I'm doing really well at staying quit (knock wood) but now I'm seeing more clearly and reflecting back and feeling shock at the truth of it. I see it better (but I'll bet it'll get even clearer in time) and I can't believe I survived it. I just can't.
Right now, I feel like the luckiest bastard on the face of the earth.
I don't have anyone to make restitution to but myself and my finances and none of them are behind or about to go critical.
I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I'm feeling scared for the past. Like watching a movie where someone's going to fall off a cliff. I know I'M in no danger right now, but my heart's still beating out of my chest just remembering. And I was walking towards that cliff with my eyes closed.
I just don't ever want to be that close to the cliff's edge ever again.
I'm going to use that fear to inspire me. To encourage myself to continue my recovery. I got lucky, but what I do with that luck is up to me. I'm just glad I'm finally opening my eyes and taking a look. Was it really only 23 days ago? God almighty.
Today I will not gamble. Never again.