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Sophie (26/08/11) *trigger* by Feathers on Fri Aug 26, 2011 1:00 am
As I wrote last night in my entry about my rape fetish... Fred is a bit too much of a pussy to be my 'abuser', so I asked about one of George's alters, Francis, who apparently does not feel anything bar a desire to hurt people. So not only will he be able to give my EXACTLY what I want without any guilt or remorse, he (hopefully) won't get all soppy and f*cking fall for me in the process. I might fall for him though. It happened with Fred. Perhaps some kind of stockholm syndrome?

On another note, Matt is coming over tomorrow after enrolling at college, so about half 12. I left the key out back for him, the idea originally being that he could wake us up by coming to snuggle with Kaz but I guess Francis heard and apparently I will be waking up to something very different than snuggling tomorrow. I'll probably be in for a world of pain.

I wish I could sleep but that probably isn't going to happen for another 7 hours or so... F*cking ridiculous. Could really do with some bloody seroquel to knock me out! F*cking ridiculous doctors.

Sophie Elizabeth Phoenix xxx

0 Comments Viewed 5473 times
Sleep. by Red.Raptor on Tue Nov 13, 2012 8:24 am
12 pm and I'm getting thoughts of self harm and suicide.

Sane me tells me to sleep it off.

Bipolar me tells me to stay up and cut.

I have nothing to be sad about.... but I feel sad, empty, numb.. just calm.

Must sleep before I do something I can't undo.

1 Comment Viewed 3412 times
Dopamine blocker + non-sedating antihistamine = works for me by MirageXD on Mon Jul 11, 2011 11:00 pm
Three years ago, I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I've been trying various meds using trial and error approach as well as pharmacology. In fact, I've been telling my doctor what to prescribe for the last two years, because he's not willing to take the time to study my illness more closely.

The first year, I've been on Olanzapine which among other things caused difficulty speaking. I later diagnosed this as cortical dysarthria, because my doctor doesn't know how to diagnose this.

After trying almost all atypical antipsychotics, I came up with the following combination which sorta works: 400mg of Sulpiride and 25mg of Quetiapine. Sulpiride is a selective dopamine antagonist, while Quetiapine works as a histamine and alpha blocker at low doses such as 25mg. Sulpiride causes mild insomnia, and that's all. Quetiapine causes difficulty speaking as well though.

Being on a low dose of Sulpiride for a few years caused some cognitive (memory) problems. I had to increase the dose to 600mg to fix them, but I still struggle with them sometimes.

My theory was that I could replace Quetiapine by an alpha blocker to prevent my other symptoms like a tremor and watery eyes. My doc didn't want to prescribe an alpha blocker, because it would be an off-label use, and he's not much into experimentation. I am. :mrgreen:

I then contacted about 60 doctors, and two of them agreed that they would prescribe it. Victory? Not really, because it didn't work. :roll:

My latest theory was that I could replace Quetiapine by an antihistamine. To my great surprise, you can get an antihistamine without prescription, and there are even second generation antihistamines which don't cause sedation. Nice! One of them also caused difficulty speaking, so that means that blocking H1 receptor causes this.

To sum it up, I'm now on 600mg of Sulpiride (dopamine blocker) and 5mg of Loratadine (antihistamine).

My remaining symptoms: slightly burning eyes, and mild cognitive problems
My side effects: nothing worth mentioning!

All in all, a great success in treating schizophrenia.

Sorry if this was too technical, but I didn't even talk about pharmacology behind this. :lol:


0 Comments Viewed 5943 times
my day by sicksage on Fri Oct 23, 2015 2:31 pm
I used to be a hopeful, pretty girl, but today I woke up screaming into my pillow until my vocal chords hurt. I'm 23 , a liberal arts senior (bad choice) and with a shaved head that's been dyed over 40 times since 18, lack of motivation to work out, and a vertical scar on my right wrist that looks like a hideous caterpillar, I cant believe people used to pay me for modeling. I'm exhausted.
I am poor, gay, and both of my crazy drug addled parents died when I was a kid. I was raised by my aunt.
They were alcoholic meth heads. We couldn't keep the electricity on or feed me until one day the meth shed showed up behind our trailer and I ended up with a small brown mare named Ruthy.
I still love horses but its a hard reality to grow up and realize that your only good childhood memories were a result of what destroyed your life before you were born.
To this day I have nightmares of methed out zombies.
My anxiety is unrelenting.
I have been stolen from, taken advantage of,raped in my adult life, and neglected in my childhood.
Yesterday I found out I had to pay two hundred to get my car replaced and I started screaming about how I cant afford to be alive and punching the walls til my hand hurts.
This, at the time, was the better alternative to slicing my skin open, which I struggle with almost everyday. After my suicide attempt (2nd since 16) the urge has gotten stringer.
I feel bad for those that love me when my intense impulsive nature gets near them.
My confidence and charisma is gone. I have been so down, expressionless, in so much pain.
They put me on cymbalta for depression/anxiety after the metal facility. I wasn't totally honest about my intense behavior or rage so I could convince them to let me out in time to start my college senior year.
I lay awake at night fantasizing the hellish scene of destroying my girlfriends rapists.
She knows she wasn't the first or last. I want to meet them. I want to spend days getting into their minds and unleashing all pain I can until their slow agonizing deaths. It is lucky she does not know their names, for my urge to hunt them like dogs is too strong.
I would never do this though, because she needs me.
This is scaring her though.
The world is $#%^. I would kill myself for sure asap if I dint have a handful of people I wish I could protect.
I need to be helped, because my loved ones are the only ones that will suffer from my rage.

0 Comments Viewed 1722 times
I'm not here for your entertainment by skeleton-countess on Thu Dec 12, 2013 8:13 am

Hello, world. Or should I say, cruel world. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind lately, and if you have the time and respect to listen, I’d like us to sit down and have a little talk.

The thing is, you may never understand me, you may never like me, and you may never, ever accept me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m here, and if I can help it, I won't be going away any time soon.

And while I’m here I’d like you to know that I’m here for myself, and not to be your plaything. I’m not here to be the villain in your movies, the sicko to play to your fetishes, or to be the one character type that you know will never fail to get a rise out of your audience. I’m not even a character type. I’m an individual, and I always thought I had the right to be treated like one.

See, maybe you didn’t know this, but I was born a person with feelings, love, empathy, and a conscience. I’d say I’m just like you, but I don’t really think I want to compare myself to someone who takes an entire diverse group of real people and tries to cram them into a stereotype of cruelty and violence. No, I’ll pass on the hatred.

"But Countess!" I can already hear you say, "These are just works of fiction! Why are you getting so psychotic over something that’s not even real?" I know this is what you’ll say, because you consistently refuse to appreciate that stereotyping of an oppressed group, especially in the media, even if it’s in a work of fiction, is HARMFUL. I repeat, it is harmful to all of us that have to suffer day after day of being inaccurately represented. Every time you take my identity and twist it and use it for your entertainment, you take away my freedom to express myself to the people I care about (and to the world) who I truly am without fear of being hated. You, as a ‘normal’, get to watch anything you want to without fear of your group being profiled and defined by the bad actions of only one individual. You can read any book, watch any movie or crime show that portrays a necrophile character, however they happen to be portrayed...and then you get to turn off the TV and that is where the experience ends for you. If only I could be so lucky. What is for you only an idea that you will rarely come into contact with and rarely have to put thought to (because most of us are too damn afraid to tell you who we are), is for me an inescapable part of my life.

I am sick and tired of having to explain to you that stereotypes, to me, hurt after a while of having them grated against my ears. I really shouldn’t have to do this time and time again, but I know I will never get anywhere as long as you continue to sit up on your pedestal and tell me that your “expression” and your entertainment is more important than my identity and my dignity.

I’m sick of you appropriating a huge aspect of my identity just because you want to sit back for an hour and a half for a fun scare. I’m not here on the earth for your entertainment or to be a novelty for you to use in your weird escapist fantasies. I’m tired of you pretending you know what my life and feelings are like when you don’t, and I’m also tired of you thinking that being different makes me an acceptable tool to use for whatever weird crime you want to write about today. I’m sick of constantly being looked at as a psychotic, depraved murderer with no empathy and no regard for anyone’s life. And if you still don’t get it, no matter how many times I try to tell you that you need to open your eyes and stop selfishly treating a group of people as your property for your entertainment, then I am a thousand times the empathetic human being that you’ll ever be. Sorry, but I’m not sorry.

Thank you for listening. I am indeed not here for your entertainment, and hopefully I’ll only have to explain this a few thousand more times before I run out of breath. A few thousand? I only wish it were that easy.


4 Comments Viewed 39467 times

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