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Body dysmorphia: Real life is what happens to us NOW. by margharris on Tue Apr 07, 2015 1:29 am
I had to go with hubby to have stitches removed from melanoma surgery. He does well as a stroke survivor to just toddle to the car and then it is a wheelchair for anything more. During the procedure, I happened to be facing him and looked down to see a very red lower leg. Yikes! new splints two weeks ago. During all the kerfuffle at home, I had let him put his own splint on or leave day splints on overnight. Price paid. All the splints off and the mobile wheelchair had its baptism.
I can't describe the mayhem. Hubby was steering dodgem style, over steering, over revving. I was over it before it began. Where was turtle speed? To make matter worse, hubby needs a cane to walk. The cane lay on his lap jutting forward like a lance fit for a horse joust. The mobile chair can spin on the spot but with the cane protruding you have got to leave the room if he enters. For the first couple of hours, I was running ahead of the chair trying to clear tables and chairs away. He was on a mission to continue life without any alteration to his schedule.
Go get dog food frozen in fridge. Oh! too high to reach.
Move dogfood to lower shelf. Maybe remember to get dogfood out in the morning myself.
Feed fish. Oh! cant reach the light. Call out.
Need to use computer. Run ahead to remove clothes drying rack.

So my son and his BDD took a backseat. He was better for it. My son was very anxious all weekend with his thoughts. No approach is sticking with him. He still wants to open debate with the thoughts. But they are not protective and not safe. I have now nicknamed them his 'call centre' thoughts. Sanjeev calling from Mumbai telling you something you must buy. I am not trying to be disrespectful but link into the idea of dismissing that he already has in his brain. I was trying to classify these intrusive thoughts into some already managed thought circuit for dismissing and not opening the dialogue for debate. It is the thought attack we are trying to stop. The content of the thoughts changes but is still irrelevant.
He calls out, "Mum " in alarm. I am now calling back from the other room. "Just Sanjeev calling. Don't pick up" Because I use this approach myself for dismissing something intrusive like call centre unwanted calls, it has more power as it is established.
It is a long way from taming this because really the important step ahead is to refocus his life. He needs a wellness plan that is more important than doing BDD.

Got a lovely post from my supporter Donna, will add some of her words below. She describes her thoughts and her mindset. It works like a filter to just give her negative thoughts. It can happen all the time.

“My entire life, and still tweaking this, I have been my worst enemy, in that I always thought people thought poorly of me, no matter what the circumstance. If someone glanced at me, my mind ran full speed at trying to figure out what they might be thinking about me.”……….. ..
“It just amazes me how much I think we all are really so much alike in this world. I think everybody sufferers this way in one form or another, at some point, or unfortunately always.”
“So yes, it's what are they thinking, and the "what ifs" we are coming up with, are of course all negative. So we are within negative energy, bringing ourselves down. etc. But for those that are extremely insecure, this manifests into sort of paranoia. So that is why when it's large groups, we are analysing not one persons perceived thoughts and opinions, judgment, but a group of many. Wanting to escape their view and when we do, when we aren't glanced at, that is a whole other scramble of negative thoughts as well. We must not be worth looking at.etc. Anything that happens, the energy of our thoughts is negative. Walking into a crowded room, or store, what have you, feels the same to person with disorder as it would as if we walked into a room and everyone in that room began yelling out terrible names at us. Yes, it is that stro...

[ Continued ]

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Feel Like I Don't Belong / Depression / Suicidal by SteelOwl on Sun May 17, 2015 12:35 am
Have you ever felt like for whatever reason you were born in the wrong time and place, heck even the wrong universe. Growing up i was really far behind in mental development and physical development ages 9-12, i still had my nose buried in fantasy books and still believed in the ages of knights and etc. while my classmates were already playing violent video games and talking about the newest gore-fest movies. They would laugh at me and make fun of me until i felt like crying but i tried my hardest not to. During this time i also was made fun of and ridiculed a lot due to my short and chubby stature [ i was about 4'6 they were about 5'0]. Because of that i spent the next 4 years essentially cutting myself off from reality and trying to destroy my emotions so i wouldn't be hurt as much when they criticized and made fun of me. I was wrong all it did was get worse i started becoming depressed and i started to starve myself so i could mold myself to the "look" that i was made fun of for not having. Now i'm 16 i rarely leave the house, get in verbal fights with my Mother who was never there for my childhood and rarely see my Father because he now works all day and all night at the post office. I'm 5'6 mostly skinny but have issues eating and am still made fun of for being short. I constantly think about killing myself and a few times i got really close to doing it, i would take my knives and put the blade close to my neck think about everything that i hated about my life but then i would chicken out and put the knife away and pretend nothing happened. I don't know what to do, should i talk to my doctors about it and how should i tell my parents... or should i just not tell them it at all?

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Thankfulness by specialK on Thu Aug 15, 2013 3:49 pm
Kinda grateful for this day of the blues. I usually am not allowed to listen to music when my husband is home. This week he is not home in the mornings-so I get morning music which I LOVE and NEED and WANT and ENJOY. It makes my body and mind relax and sync.
I am dipping into the creative side today by cooking white chicken chili and cornbread. I am hoping for once my cornbread is not criticized. I can never get it DRY enough for my PITA. Ive cut the water in half and its still too wet for him. I like it moist damn it man.
Kitchen here I come...peaceful please be an ingredient.

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Updates for October by Mordor on Thu Nov 05, 2015 8:07 am
Not really posting here anymore but I've become involved with a MAP podcast and other things within the community. A few ups this month, mainly downs.

My friend is talking to me again but he no longer wishes to work with me creatively, he simply does not feel comfortable and is abandoning our old projects. He says he will listen to me if I need someone to talk to but he does not understand my attractions but knows I'm not a predator/or at risk.


That's nice, we do talk occasionally but its a bit too late IMO. I've made some friends involved with the podcast and have been talking to them a lot for October. Halloween was very nice and we did a live stream of Amnesia and then Cards Against Humanity (custom deck). "We" as in members of the podcast. The cast itself has no illegal content and is mainly to reach out to other Minor Attracted Persons and the stream was under that banner. We even had some viewers.

I won't even attempt to plug the podcast or old stream here, I am sure that is against the rules.


My moods go up and down a lot. Trying to get back into going to the track at night, about to do that now but thought I'd post here with an update I guess. Family stuff is going pretty badly, the only real enjoyment I get anymore comes from listening to music, interacting with podcast people or playing Minecraft with them. If any of you are interested and have questions in the podcast you can send me a private message, I know the purpose of this blog is for personal updates/recovery and not a tool for plugging websites/projects.


Don't know if I'll be posting here anymore, I would say "talk to you later" but not sure if that would be completely truthful. I may again in the future but I just don't know. Thanks for reading my posts.

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i couldn't say anything.. by Marilee on Mon Jul 18, 2011 10:20 pm
I met with a friend who lives away and who I haven't seen in nearly 3 years. I felt so stupid. All I could say was "hi.." It was like we were meeting for the first time. There were so many things I could have said to her like how is the country so far, but I was unable to say anything really. I guess I was waiting for her to start a conversation. She's going back soon but I might still try to talking to her and get this fixed.

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