Girlfriend noticed me being upset and insisted I told her what was wrong so I did. Feels good having it off my chest but in my eyes nothing has changed if she finds other guys more attractive than me no matter how natural it is. Been quite upset recently and depressed cos of boredom but not bad really

Been some days since I updated. Things are up and down, mostly bad.
But trying hard to get myself together.
That's all I can say for now.

So inconsistent with interests, with motivation, it shakes my brain. When I try I fall the hardest. When I let it go I fall slowly, but continue falling. It was the like the dream I had, I could jump so high, I could fly for seconds, but the higher I jumped, the chance of crumbling instead of the ground splitting was greater. The second I start falling I wish I never jumped. I wish I never talked to my friends, never became friends. I wish I didn't have the pets I love that I can't even take care of. I wished I didn't listen to $#%^ therapists. I always know the best answer, what they're going to say. Is there no help for me? I feel smarter than anyone who's tried to help me. I already know what they are going to say, I could make better suggestions. Even when I make myself believe I couldn't. It makes it worse. I feel like ######6 Benjamin Button. Is that WEIRD at ALL. That the person I most relate to is BENJAMIN ######6 BUTTON. He isn't even close to being real. And he was wrinkly most of his life.
Ah well.

I am making banana cake right now at 11.40pm for my friend who is having a crappy time with builders in her new flat and rubble everywhere and no oven and no washing machine or shower.

I am asking myself why I am doing it and trying to pretend that I am doing it selflessly. Because she needs cheering up. Now I know I am a bit stupid because I just spent an hour listening to her rant about everything in her life and the other people we work with and how they are not interested in her and she has tried to take an interest in their lives etc etc etc. But actually, I know I will do these things for her but she will still be out having dinner with them next week and not me. I get dropped like the sad little worthless kid when she feels better about life.

I am trying to not let it bother me. I think that I must mean something to her because why am I the one who she always tells this stuff too, but I also cant help wondering if I am getting used and abused by this person as well.

So why am I doing it? Cos I am such an idiot thats why and I have no will power! Maybe I almost like being walked all over. Maybe I know its because she will always come back to me with these things again. There's always something. I wish I have the strength to not give a damn about her like most other people in my life. Why is she so special? I hate she makes me so cross!

But here I go to take the cake out of the oven. Maybe I should just keep it for myself!

Im now beginning child adult integration !

The child in me has been growing! Growing stronger! The child in me is the real me! A part of the innocent me! And the child's growing has become so strong; it's beginning to take over! Im fusing into self! The child is taking over my present adult personality! I can feel the vibrational signal and streams meandering like creeks and rivers up through my soul!

Im being Borg'd!; as the old Star Trek show would say!

The child in me is present and wanting to take over! This is the child of my beginning years! The real me! And IVe been working with this child as soon as the amnesia went down! And I had to do years of work to get the amnesia down; that I can patch blackout years together and reach through the mind system to the child from my childhood! A child who was trapped and stranded in this time period! But not anymore! The child is fusing through my physic veins! ITs like being taken over by the inside!

The child is living and breathing again and present and remembering again! And because he is remembering again, Im being taken over by him and becoming him again! And allot of this is social practice in the real world in the present! Mass connection with others; over n over n over!

The problem is; As the child grows and becomes me and I become him; He wants his next move! He has a whole child history! But that was 45 years ago! Not a problem! But no one remains from that time period! Im literally stuck in that time period in the sense that I want resolution!

The great news is; Im not stuck in that time period! Im not in that time period! That time period is in me! And as the child grows into the present; he brings his past, present, future, dreams, conquests, ambitions, TV shows! He brings it all with him! And relives it! Or, I would say, I have permission to comb through his mind and look up anything I want to! Any memory!

The problem; Im combing through the child's mind; now what? I find any amount of memories of situations I experienced! Yet, there is a strong vibration to continue to memory and find a close to it! Or an opening into the next level of life! But where in the present reality would I go to develop the 9 year old! Its great; the work that has been done up to this point! However!

The 9 year old in me! How does he become 10! I cant go back to a traditional grade school and go from 4th grade or 5th grade to 6th grade and experience all that Im supposed to experience! I suppose I can look at what actually occurs at those ages and find some friends and start acting those things out in real time in the present! But thats not enough! And it seems something else is missing! The surroundings! It's not the same time period! Im not sure acting out at that age is the answer! I think living now is the answer!

It scares me to live now! I don't have a house or a neighborhood or career or connections to anything in the community! I guess I will open this and pray about it! It hurts when I have walls up like this! Im not part of a community! Once I was destroyed out of the the community I was apart of as a kid! I could never join another! I had a phobia of neighborhoods and houses! Now things are slowly different!

ITs very hard! ITs very scary to pray for re entering life again! Im re entering as the same person I was! And thats incredible! Its as if I was stored within my own chamber deep inside myself! And I know others have been buried in their as well; they wont be coming out!

I believe the original me was killed and buried inside self! And never coming out! I was created later! I am the second identity!

But the child is the child identity! And there are many smaller children that make up this identity! And this child has his own life and interests!

This child is growing and getting stronger and I need a place for him within myself! Or, he...

[ Continued ]