Our partner

Blog Stats
11857Total Entries
4264Total Comments
Search Blogs

  • Category
    Blogs
Feed Random Blog Entries
Fatigue. alcohol. depression by alexvalk on Sat Apr 11, 2015 4:01 am
I have depression, and I am taking Wellbutrin 300XL to treat it. Over the last two years I've been drinking quite a lot. For the last year I've been drinking alone at home every night. I can't stop thinking and can't sleep. So I use alcohol to help. Irony.

A week ago I kinda lost hope on life and with that I weirdly stopped drinking. I didn't feel the urge to drink. I haven't had a drink for seven days now and I am exhausted. More exhausted than I ever was with a hangover. Is it fatigue from depression? Or fatigue from withdrawal?

0 Comments Viewed 2744 times
My story. by TFAR on Fri Jan 04, 2013 7:29 pm
I know I started getting chubby when I was around 8-10 years old. I didn't diet, I think it just happened due to me liking food & people would always tell me to clean my plate. If someone offered me a treat or snack, I didn't consider my hunger level... I just accepted it because it was good. I don't think I had any underlying emotional issues with it, I just wasn't aware of calories and weight management.

Once my weight got heavier, parents and others started voicing it. I'd get little comments... about being 'big'. No one tried to really insult me for the purpose of making me feel bad.. they would just mention my weight. I remember my mom trying to get me to shed some lbs.. it didn't work. She would go on and off diets her self, nothing consistent.

When I was 13, I started dating a boy. Later on, he dumped me... his reasoning being "you're too fat."
Ever since then I can't remember not worrying about my weight. I started telling myself I would lose it, but I was lost at how to diet... I remember I started aiming for only healthy foods. I would eat small, I don't know how much it was at the time... but I kept notes. They would be like this: "todays food; milk, egg, crackers, hamburger w/o the bun"
I wasn't aware of calories then, I just thought that eating small and making sure none of it was 'bad' food, I was OK. I would listen to food rules I'd heard from others...like skipping the bread, saying no to sauce/fats, etc.

A year later I got an online "diet buddy", she would always mention her calorie total.. I started doing that too. Pretty quickly I found online calorie counting sites; it was so easy! They told me just count your calories and you would lose... I did that, I lost. It became so hard to stop. I felt guilty on days I couldn't count a food. I had very few days where I would eat too much, but on those days... I didn't call them 'binges' .. I just would call them "cheats", which I always got back up after... it was never something that lasted long. The next day would be normal eating and counting. I remember on my 16th birthday I tried to purge, but my gag reflex wasn't good.
Back to dieting... I got so obsessed with calories that I started over estimating any food I didn't know the calories too...it freaked me out; & to this day I get anxious when I can't measure my cereal.
Anyhow, I got to the lowest "healthy" BMI for my age, I also lost my menstrual cycle for over a year. I had lost periods earlier, but it lasted 6 months and they came back. After going over a year, family found out. The doctor said my BMI was healthy, but people around me told me I looked gross and should gain weight. I went to a therapist, they didn't do much... mainly because I didn't trust them and was forced. I was in denial of having any problems.
After eating more, gaining weight... I got them back. It didn't take long. I stopped exercising daily.
BUT, After putting on a few lbs I started feeling terrible, I would just let myself binge like crazy... I made the excuse that everyone is telling me to gain so I should do that . I told myself I could easily lose weight later, easily stop eating so much... didn't happen. Binges became so freaking hard to stop! I started looking forward to eating huge amounts... this was something I hadn't done much . I used to eat so healthy. I lost control.

I think if I was honest with my therapist and told him how my worries with food and calories were, he would have diagnosed me with EDNOS. I don't think I had full blown anything , I was just confused on how many calories I needed to maintain, obsessed with the scale a little bit more than I should. I probably just needed someone to direct me to a nutritionist. I wasn't someone who went on thinspo... I wasn't pro ana / mia.

One more thing; All through my teen years while losing weight - I told myself very harsh and critical self talk. I was very negative and mean to myself. I told myself...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 858 times
Recovery from a specific incident by OMNICELL on Sun Jun 04, 2017 9:53 am
Im looking at a specific incident when young; certainly I had hundreds of incidents occur in my abused life when young; mainly relational aggression! This specific situation occurs at the age of 16 I think! Im heading up to a girls house; my mother is giving me a ride; my mother is a psychopath! Her way of control when I was young; trap me in a car! I had no relationship with her when young! I knew what she was and this jackal was not safe! I was an expert or veteran dealing with her by the age of 3 1/2; my first memories of her as a psychopath; I was in a car with her trapped by her when young! Later in life I would see the full inflection of destruction she would impale on others lives!
.
When I was 16 I lived in a new city! I had no choice but to move in with my mother again! I had no place to go! I was 14 and being sexually abused and harassed at the last place I was at! my mother and father divorced when I was in the 5th grade! I shake when I use the descriptive words; mother/father. I had no real mother or father! these were monsters disguising themselves as human beings!
.
At this new location; this new city, I met a girl when 14, I knew her for a few years; she lived up the street! she meant a great deal to me; I was reaching out away from my mother trying to establish new relationships ! She was a safe place for me to go! I was having a hard time telling her how I felt about her! I wanted her but could not follow through! I was stuck emotionally and in my maturity! She did not help by not understanding! I guess she didn't have to; I did!
.
She meant much more to me then I meant to her; I needed this relationship, I needed it to work; I needed the independence away from my mother and the ability to start a new life; a life started by my own actions based on my own experiences. I needed her and I needed her house as a place to escape to!
.
one day I was driving with my mother; what you would call a mother; I made the mistake of telling my mother something personal; I told her about the girl up the street, I told her I wanted to go up the street to visit her; my mother began to tear me down psychologically. My mother was a monster with no conscious; a brutal anti human machine that would destroy many lives! my life had already been destroyed by this vermin.
.
One day I made the mistake of telling this monster something personal; never do this! I was cut to ribbons; sub ribbons! I was told that the girl up the street had no interest in me; that I meant nothing to her, and many other things; the way it was said was in a psychopathic nature; I wont try to explore this with the reader, its to complicated; the nature of talking to an anti social sycophant of no conscious and a bent toward sadistic cruelty toward people under age; it will twist you into a pretzel and leave you feeling controlled and psychologically raped.
.
I cannot describe this; the effect it had on me; it was a deeper message that nothing had changed; that I was not safe, nor living in this new town was safe for me; that I was not wanted and nothing had changed! I was so freaked out by the deeper nature of this incident, I left town. I had nowhere to go! I had no family, I had been dumped buy the time I was 9 years old.
.
I lost the girl; I no longer felt like my relationship with her was mine; it was now owned by my mother! so, I had no choice but to leave the area! Please let the reader know; These situations had history behind it; it was a loaded situation of extreme importance of a much larger picture stemming from one original problem. I lost the boundaries to feel; I did not have a personal self; my mother had gotten into my personal life many times and destroyed it; pulled it out from under itself and tore me to pieces; now, it was happening again. I was under the illusion that possibly when I moved to this new town, things would be different; unfortunately this was...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 8721 times
Heels Are Loud on a Hard Surface by AnnMarie on Sun May 21, 2017 8:17 am
Well, the really big news is that I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT) a few days ago. I’m on my way. I didn’t know this before it became a personal matter, but the benefits of HRT are more than developing a bosom: it redistributes fat, giving a softer, rounder appearance; and there can be psychological benefits as well. Often, the physical changes take considerable time – years, in fact. The advice I’ve read is to not undergo facial feminization surgery (FFS) for at least a year after starting HRT, to give your body a chance to make its changes to your face first; otherwise, the end result may not be what you expected.

I notice that my last blog post spoke of my wearing lipstick to the mall for the first time. Was it really that recently? I wear it whenever I go shopping, now. I’ve also picked up a pair of women’s jeans that fit, and I’m wearing them when I go out. The boots I mentioned in my last post – with a one-inch heel – arrived a few days ago, and they fit; I wore them shopping for the first time today.

I’ve been trying to create an ensemble with a Western motif for my next visit to the gender therapist. I am handicapped some by my weight, my genotype and my ignorance of the local shopping milieu. I saw an advertisement recently in which a woman was wearing a white peasant-style top with embroidery, and I loved the look; I’ve spent a lot of time the last few days looking for something similar locally, without success. In consequence, I broadened my scope and settled for looking for an attractive top in my size that I could wear with jeans.

There’s a local department store that is a ladies’ favorite, so I went there yesterday. I was wearing lipstick, of course; and the first item I tried on was too small. I’m not very experienced as yet dealing with women’s clothing, and while taking off the top I managed to get lipstick on the collar. I guess I could have pretended I hadn’t and just put the top back, but that’s not the way I’m put together. So, I found the salesgirl and told her I’d gotten lipstick on the collar. It turned out not to be a problem; but actually telling someone I was wearing lipstick was the real event. Happily, she didn’t react to it at all. That was nice. I ended up buying another that I thought was wearable, but I can’t wait until I’ve lost more weight and have a much wider selection open to me. At the moment, I’m having to make do.

Then, while shopping at Walmart, I found another wearable top; I couldn’t believe it. It’s even a bit androgynous in appearance, although it doesn’t feel androgynous when you put it on. I love the feeling that some women’s tops have. Someday, I’ll be buying lingerie.

I’m planning to attend my first support group meeting for transwomen soon; the local LGBT center has one every month. Hopefully, I’ll get some questions answered there, including where to find a new primary-care physician who is trans-friendly. I don’t think my current one is, and I’m not looking forward to cluing him in to my new prescriptions.

Lastly, I went shopping “en femme” early this morning, for the first time. Of course, I went to Walmart; the company has a policy of being “trans-friendly,” and there aren’t many people there at 2:00 in the morning. I wore the new androgynous top, jeans, new boots and a bra. I didn’t wear my wig, so my genotype was obvious. I did have the studs in my ears, however, which helped my presentation somewhat. I was nervous, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from crossing this threshold. I’ve found that crossing thresholds makes it easier to cross them the next time.

I’m pretty sure I got laughed at by two women who saw me; but everyone else just ignored me – everyone, that is, except the Walmart employee at the self-checkout. He actually started the conversation. To tell the truth, I think he was doing it for himself, to prove something; but I was grateful to be treated like a normal person by someone else.

I didn’t run into anyone at my apartment complex,...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 1633 times
help by rehtnap on Tue Jul 07, 2015 10:16 pm
i so wish i could go back and change all my attitudes when i engaged with mental health. i know i play games with people and myself. its like im seeking attention but its more complicated than that. some of it is evil,some of it is another person. i manipulate and play mind games which involve hurt just o see if i can. and now i dont even know if all this is true. i feel i have a person in me that can come out and see it as just a game and its time to be normal again but the normal turns bad. im so confused by it all now im scared. is it all just one fantasy. the suicide feelings arnt. the last 2 i made contact with my crisis team which ment i wanted intervention or was it just to get attention. if this is all just attention seeking its horrible but i still belive its 2 people in me and one is still fighting to survive.but i think the one fighting to survive is the bad one. maybe its all rubbish and im just a jerk. the suicide feelings are real because i want to end all the unknowing. my crisis team have talked so much about where i am and where i need to be but its the place i crashed from. i feel like i could just snap out of it and be a normal person but what does that mean.as a normal person i was bad. its all so confusing. maybe im just frightened of life, i certainly cant cope with a lot of things. to change thoughts from day to day but end up still suicidal on an evening is not right. if im hounest im suicidal during the day but yet i can sit in a conversation with a crisis worker and hide it. i put on a different side to me. ill agree with whats said. seem cooperative hope full then after i get out i think what a load of rubbish. its the bad person taking over. con everyone,lie,cheat,manipulate be evil. why do i know im like this all i can think of is the good person in me knows and is trying to stop it. its loosing. i have stronger and stronger feelings of another person coming out. ive started manipulating and playing games again.i had stopped that,i had become a different person but its dissapeaering. i cant work it out.if i know how i am why dont i change it.why do i know how i am.what the hell is wrong with me. is this all just a big game im playing if so what does that make me. the recent suicide attempts were very close to succeding and i think i want the next to. i dont want to find out who or what i am i couldnt even believe it would be right or id manipulate my way round it. im scared of myself. i dont want to live in a world im inventing. im scared it is an evil side of me that presents as normal but has a real evil side. im not right. but yet i can trip into a person that says i am. my actions for suicide have been to stop whats happening as i dont want it to return to how i was. i think ive seen the nice caring person in me and its slipping away. i regret a lot of things ive done right now but i feel the feelings of all that going and not giving a dam again. i cant let that happen. im just not stable its like being in a dream world i can control. to take my own life is hard but i so want this to end. i cant concentrate on altering it,and if i do i dont know if i will be in a real world. it wont ever go away it will always be some sort of lie or fantasy,im warped
i wish i could be locked away and doped till i die but thats not an option so i have to choose the next best thing. im just not right whatever it is.ive spent a year hopping in and out of mental health care some with mood change and some i dont know why. i got paranoid i hated my consultant i just change personality. ive sat with my case worker and just played a good patient,gone out and laughed at what id done. why if its just to seek attention then i hate it but that may be some but my moods do change and i go strange for a time. i have tried to understand it which i never did before but it frightens me what i think i know now about myself. i really belive there are 2 people in me and at the moment the nice one is trying to find reality but...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 1437 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot]